JUSTIN BIEBER
Yeah, I’m going to get Bieber’s back here. Now, before everybody storms my proverbial castle with pitchforks and torches, let me preface this by saying that his music is, to put it delicately, ass-tastic. I haven’t heard much, but what I have heard is failure of the highest, squeakiest order.
That said, can we all collectively stop pistol-whipping this fuckin’ kid already?
I don’t know what it is, but there’s something about Justin Bieber’s existence that evokes this nearly religious, foaming-at-the-mouth hatred from people that blows my mind. Not since Hitler or Carlos Mencia has a name been so volatile. I have heard no less than 10 of my friends-good, sane, rational people-issue death threats to the little Canuck bastard.
Let me rephrase that to put the horror of that concept front and center: Last week, a grown-ass man told me he wanted to staple a 16-year old’s dick to a rocket and launch it into the sun, like some sort of horrific Wile E. Coyote-inspired snuff film.
What the fuck, man?
I want to understand the vitriol, I really do. I’ve tried to hate him. And I don’t particularly like him. But I can’t see what makes him so god-damn special. Yeah, sure, he puts out formulaic, by-the-numbers, radio friendly horse shit. So do, you know, EVERYBODY ELSE ON THE RADIO. Has he really done more damage to the idea of good music than LMFAO? Than Katy Perry? Than the fucking Foo Fighters? Why is nobody threatening to burn down Usher’s house? He sucks too, you guys!
Here’s the thing. My opinion toward shitty music is the same thing I tell ignorant douche-hoses who piss and moan about gay marriage: If it pisses you off, just don’t participate.
Nobody is forcing Bieber on anybody. Sure, they’re trying, but the internet really undercuts that mission. We live in a wonderful, infinitely customizable society, wherein we have God-like control of what we choose to ingest. Every song ever written in the history of forever is available to you. Go listen to the Mountain Goats or whatever makes you feel superior to the “mainstream” this week and give the whining a rest. Yeah, maybe you’ll get stuck in line at Wal-Mart and catch an earful of Bieber once in a while, but grow up and tune that shit out.
I think the rage is deeper than simply hating his music, though. I think it’s based in envy.
There is some sickness rampant in the human genetic makeup that makes us loveloveLOVE watching child stars be disgraced. Be honest, we all get a little giddy at the idea of a Jonas brother getting hooked on meth or Hannah Cyrus Montana Banana What The Fuck Ever making a sex tape with a horse. Why do we long for the blood of child celebrities? My best guess is, “Hey, I wasn’t a millionaire by 15, so fuck them.”
That scares the shit out of me in a big bad way. We burn those who achieve at a greater speed than us. Nobody wants to be shamed, least of all by some little lesbian-looking goon warbling about, I don’t know, girls and puppies or whatever teenagers give a damn about. Here’s what’s fucked about that: This is the era of reality TV. Various Kardashians and Jersey Shore swamp-monsters have created a culture of celebrity without content. Fame for fame’s sake. There’s an understanding that, as long as you’re vapid enough to amuse the E! network viewership and simultaneously get ironic/judgmental attention from everybody else, you can be this week’s King/Queen of Pop Culture.
Say what you will about whether or not Bieber deserves the attention he’s received, but at least he got noticed doing something. Maybe his “art” has no merit to you or I, but the fact that he at least produces something, that he adds to the zeitgeist in some way, is worth at least acknowledging, if not respecting. He was just a kid posting videos on Youtube, and it paid off for him in a big way. And we all wish we could get paid to do what we love. He fucking does, even if what he loves is stupid and gay, so good for him.
tl;dr: I’m pretty much the “Leave Brittney Alone” guy now, but for Justin fucking Bieber. I’m going to go kill myself now.