The Big Dirty Article

“Shutter Island: You don’t like good things”

by Tim Appelbaum

On a whole, people don’t like things that are good. You may think you enjoy good things, but you’re wrong; everything has to be great. If it’s not the best film of the year, “it sucks” and you take away from what people enjoyed. Today’s lesson will be using Shutter Island as the example. Directed by Scorsese and starring a well-rounded cast, including Leonardo DiCaprio, Mark Ruffalo, Sir Ben Kingsley, Ted Levine, Michelle Williams, and Emily Mortimer. This movie has a great story, and that’s what people fail to realize. What you are concerned about is understanding the plot and twists before they happen, rather than enjoying the story being told.

 

If you didn’t enjoy this film, I would wager money to say that your reasoning is “I knew the ending before it even began.” Good! That means it makes sense! Scorsese and the writers used foreshadowing and gave you clues, so when the twists happen, it wouldn’t be out of fucking nowhere. So, to you assholes, I say:

You’re so smart! I’m so glad you’re intelligent enough to figure out the story.

(Also, shut the hell up.)

I also figure, that because you figured it out, Shutter Island is a bad movie. It must totally suck. You paid money to watch it in the theatre and you didn’t appreciate the story at all? You waited over two hours to be surprised, and when it “didn’t happen,” you were unimpressed. This film isn’t the same as pulling a rabbit out of a hat, it’s not about a trick. A film isn’t always about shocking the audience, and unlike Shyamalan, Scorsese is known for delivering a great story, rather than a twist. You’re an idiot and you shouldn’t talk to me about things. Ever. (I would also like to say that what Shyamalan is known for and what he can deliver are two different things. So don’t email me about that.)

You are allowed to not like Shutter Island, other films, music, art, politics, whatever. You can have your own opinion. But if your basis for whether a movie is good or not, is if you were smart enough to figure it out, your wrong about everything that rational people consider subjective. I figured out how to cook eggs in the morning without lighting my dick on fire; Mario Batali doesn’t have to come cook for me in order for me to enjoy my food. It doesn’t have to be the best, revolutionary, or even memorable. You piece of shit, start liking good things for what they are: “good.” It doesn’t have to be great, just worth the experience (unlike reading this article.)

Note: I understand that this may seem hypocritical considering the amount of bashing and false praise that is on YourPopFilter, but let me remind you that, at least I, am correct in past statements. I cannot speak for the rest of the staff, but I can assume that they would assure you, they are also correct.

Here is a list of good things that many people write off as “stupid,” “boring,” or “terrible:”

MacGruber

Gin and tonic

Chronicles of Riddick

Non-fiction books

The Big Dirty Article

Billy Crystal in action roles

Making your bed daily

Dungeons and Dragons

Playing airstruments and singing at red lights

Almost every interest of the writers of YourPopFilter

Buying good beers, but hating people that are pretentious enough to talk about good beers

Facial hair, but hating people that are pretentious enough to talk about facial hair

Books, but hating people that are pretentious enough to talk about books

Shutter Island

Me

Watch Shutter Island again and enjoy the doubleplusgood acting and plusgood story. You’ve already seen it, so your idiocy won’t be distracting you this time. If you say that the CG is distracting… well, that’s a damn good reason and I’m glad you have one that I can’t argue against. As easily.

You may also notice, that I didn’t really say anything of substance about the story of Shutter Island and this article is running short in comparison to other Big Dirty Articles. I would love to talk about the film more, but this whole article is about enjoying the ride, so please, watch this film and enjoy the ride.

Warden: “If I was to sink my teeth into your eye right now, would you be able to stop me before I blinded you?”

Teddy Daniels: “Give it a try.”

Warden: “That’s the spirit!”