Freaks and Drinks

Beers and Weirs

            Throwing a kegger in high school while your parents are away is as American as apple pie, Coca-Cola and crystal meth. And that is precisely the premise for the second episode of season one of Freaks and Geeks, aptly titled Beers and Weirs. I have made it my one woman mission to get you, the popfilter aficionado, drunk while watching this show. So last time we were introduced to Lindsay and Sam Weir in the pilot we learned that Lindsay has started to pal around with the local freaks and is doing all she can to fit in with them. When her friends learn that her parents* are going out of town they jump on the opportunity to pressure the nerdy girl into throwing a party. Where the episode really derives its heart and soul is the lengths Sam and his friends are willing to go to protect Lindsay from the dangers of teen alcohol consumption. A danger that has been made all too real to them through the laughably amateur presentation on teen drinking by the school’s young thespian club and Mr. Rosso (coincidentally preformed on the day of the party…story structure! ) It’s a great episode for Sam who has this role reversal thrust upon him.

He is supposed to be the younger brother, but he assumes this protective role over his big sister who is supposed to be the one who is left in charge by the parentals**. Sam and his buddies concoct a plan that has them buying a keg of non-alcoholic beer from Adam Sandler’s best friend and switching it out with the keg that contains the real beer. But before you assume that this results in the lamest party ever, you should know that there was an experiment done a few years ago that involved twenty college kids at a party. The administrators of the test broke up the students into two groups of ten, and gave everyone in Group A alcohol, and told everyone in Group B they were also receiving alcohol, but they were actually getting an alcohol-free placebo. The students were all told that they were participating in a study that was about the effects of alcohol over the course of an evening. The researchers discovered something that every girl who has had a girlfriend who gets waaaay too drunk at parties so after a while you just give her soda water and she still manages to get exponentially wasted (big ups to you, Lauren!) already knows very well.

Let’s get students drunk…for science!

They found that there was virtually no difference in the behaviors of groups A and B. It seems as though you can get drunk by just believing that you are consuming alcohol. The human is a weird animal, am I right? Dramatic irony is my third favorite kind of irony. It’s hilarious to watch these characters getting smashed on nonalcoholic beer. It’s also so sweet to see Neil act as the knight in shining sweater vest (wait a second, he was wearing a blue button down shirt at the beginning of the party!) as he comforts a pseudo-drunk Lindsay and helps her regain control of the party. He’s the kind of guy girls who chase guys like Daniel claim to want, but when they confess their love it leaves her sobbing in a pillow. I cannot think of a better episode of anything to center a drinking game around. I feel like Paul Feig wrote this episode just for me and my little article. Really, Paul, I’m flattered. Here are your rules, freaks!

Rules:

• Drink when anyone says, “keg,” “kegger,” “keg-party,” or “party.”
• Drink when Millie freezes awkwardly mid-stride on stage during the thespians’s club presentation on drunk driving because Mr. Rosso screams, “Now freeze!”
• Drink when the Weir Family is eating together.
• Drink when Millie is disappointed in Lindsay.
• Drink when you spot a young Lizzy Caplan.
• Drink when Bill Haverchuck drinks, as he is the only person drinking actual alcohol.
• Drink whenever Kim Kelly is a bitch to Lindsay.
• Drink whenever Sam and Cindy are together.

*Just a complete tangent apropos of nothing, but you people of the world NEED to stop saying the phrase “parental units” when you mean parents. It reeks of pompous asshattery.

**See how fucking annoying that is??

-Stephanie Rose