Episode V: “Tests and Breasts”

Or

“Sam in Wonderland”

 

Freaks and Drinks! The one and only article that gives you a different drinking game for all 19 episodes of superstar launching pad “Freaks and Geeks.” Presenting episode five, the one in which Lindsay cheats and Sam learns the meaning of a boner joke.

This episode explores the male/female high school experience using the lives of Sam and Lindsay Weir, a method we’ve talked about before. Lindsay faces an ethical dilemma about whether she should help Daniel cheat or let him fail only to get lost in a web of her own lies, much like this cat getting who gets its head caught inside a lady’s slipper.

Sam is participating in something that is a rite of passage for American high-school freshmen.  A class that is intended to teach students  about the horror-show that is mammalian reproduction. The class only makes its intended subject even more confusing, because it is not usually taught by a heath profession with proper credentials, it’s taught by the school’s football coach lazily reading from a textbook at his desk. I know just the actor who would be perfect for this role:

 

Thomas F. Wilson a.k.a “Biff,” plays a high this school trope: the football coach who gets stuck teaching the heath class. On the real, I think schools due this in order to legitimize a football coach’s salary when your high school has a crappy team.

Sam’s story manages not to do the thing that these kinds of stories always do. I don’t feel awkward for Sam. It’s not uncomfortable or gross, the show does a good job of staying grounded in reality. The temptation with a story like this is either to make it really raunchy or gross-out funny. The show deals Sam a lot of dignity by treating his innocent confusion with respect. His journey is grounded in innocence, and the whole thing seems reminds me of Alice from Alice in Wonderland.

Follow me on this, Sam has discovered this world that he was previously unaware of. Every where he goes and everything he sees in this world only serve to make him more confused

 

And from that point on, everything seems very foreign and strange to Sam. Even food tastes weird. He is in a world he doesn’t understand. It all started with a bad joke. Sam overhears a joke told between two football players in the cafeteria (One of my favorite lines in the episode happens here. When Sam says, “I don’t get it.” Neil responds with, “What’s to get? Jocks aren’t funny.”) This joke is where Sam falls into the rabbit hole. He becomes aware of this entire world that forces him to realize his own naivety. Here is the joke in its entirety:

There once was a lady who was tired of living with men who were either physically abusive, ran away from her, or who were horrible in bed. So she put an ad in the paper that was asking for a man who: 1) Would treat her nicely 2) Wouldn’t run away from her and 3) Would be good in bed. One day she heard the doorbell rang. She answered it, and there on the front porch was a man in a wheel chair who didn’t have any arms or legs. The man said, “I’m here about the ad you put in the paper. As you can see, I have no arms so I can’t beat you, and I have no legs so I can’t run away from you.” The woman replied, “Yes, but are you good in bed?”And the man said with a smirk on his face, “How do you think I rang the doorbell?”

But Sam doesn’t get it, which makes him feel lost and in need of help. He goes around on a mission asking anyone who might be able to give him some guidance on the issue, his friends, his teachers, his parents, even Harris who consequently gets the joke, but opts not to explain it our boys. He instead encourages them to go out into the world and out work all this shit out for themselves.

Really take a minute and look at whats going on in the scene where the boys are talking to Harris. Harris is sitting on what looks like a park bench. When you cut to the scene of the boys, the camera is looking at them from a downward angle, making it seem as if Harris is looking at our Geekaroos from atop a pedestal. For fuck’s sake, note the sitar playing during this scene.  He’s totally the wise but apathetic caterpillar.

This whole situation does end up resolving itself (the sitcom golden rule) and ends in a very touching scene between Coach Fredricks and Sam.

And also some shit with Lindsay happens. Linda Cardellini is just awesome and James Franco gives us a heart-wrenching “for your consideration” moment. (Twice!)

So, in honor of this awesome episode about ethics and sex, here are you rules:

• Social. Everyone cheers and drinks during Mr. Rosso’s strut through the halls while Bachman Tuner Overdrive’s “Taken Care of Business” plays.
• Pause at 10:33. The person who can accurately name all the objects on Lindsay’s desk gets to deal out 3 drinks.
• Any redheads drink when Mrs. Weir mentions Red Buttons.

• Anytime anyone says, “math,” “Mathlete,” “algebra,” or “quadratic equation,” everyone put your thumb on a flat surface. The last person to do this drinks.
• Anyone who wears glasses drinks when Bill Haverchuck runs awkwardly.
• Girls drink when  a young Lizzy Kaplan comes on screen.

• All the boys in the room have to dance through the entire scene of Coach Fredricks explaining the birds and bees to Sam to 70s porno music. If you do not finish, you drink.

SERIES LONG RULES:

• Drink whenever Mr. Weir tells a story that is meant to be a cautionary tale. Drink 2 if someone dies.
• Drink whenever Sam and Cindy are in the same scene together.
• Drink whenever Kim Kelly is being a bitch.

-Stephanie Rose