HOSTAGES

*1/2 (out of ****)

My goodness, what a shit show. Hostages is pretty much everything that’s awful about my job, all rolled up into a turd sandwich. Dylan McDermot (who has a lifetime membership to just always get a new TV show why? The Practice? We talking about Practice?) is a hostage negotiator who always knows where the camera is, so he can always look the coolest. Sure, he’s got a hard job and a dying wife, but he’s cool, so who gives a shit? Toni Collette is a surgeon tasked with performing surgery on the president. Not just any president, but the PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA! I call him Potus, because I watch Veep. If you don’t watch Veep, don’t worry about it. You wouldn’t understand. Anyway, I don’t why this one show features these two characters that have nothing to do with each other. It’s not like their paths are gonna…

OH MY GOD THEIR PATHS CROSSED. OH MY GOD THE HOSTAGE NEGOTIATOR IS A HOSTAGE TAKER. OH MY GOD HE IS TAKING TONI COLLETTE AND FAMILY HOSTAGE. OH MY GOD SHE HAS TO MURDER THE PRESIDENT INSTEAD OF SAVING HIM.

If these seem like some of the things you say out loud while watching TV, then Hostages is the show for you. McDermot brings the cheesiness he learned from American Horror Story, a show that fits the style much better, and even on that it took a while to get used to. Here, it makes the tone even harder to understand – if we thought the people who would make a show like this even capable of putting their tongue in their cheek. It’s also the kind of show that has a doctor tell a visiting McDermot that his wife always feels better when he comes and visits her, as if the “wife” part of that line of dialogue was necessary. He smiles and nods at the doctor, but he should give her a weird look and wonder why it was so important to mention the fact that the patient is his wife. Something like this isn’t a federal offense, especially in a pilot; they all do it. But that’s the kind of thing this show does a lot, and will continue to do a lot. It speaks to either a lack of talent on the part of the writers, or a lack of trust for the audience, but either way, this is not going to end up well. It looks like it’s closer to a 15 episode miniseries, as opposed to a regular serialized show, and they’ll probably have to figure out what to do with the premise next season if it’s a big hit. I’m not anticipating that they will have to worry about it.