HELLO LADIES

**1/2 (out of ****)

We need a name for these guys. You know the guys. That bumbling asshole whose incredible ego is only eclipsed by his complete lack of self-awareness. Over the last decade or so we’ve been inundated by them, so I think it’s time we give them a name. How about Schmuckwards, or people who are such giant schmucks that they make everything awkward? Or what about Schmuckers, because with a name like Schmuckers, it has to be good? The greatest Schmuckers of all time haven’t been anointed that just because they were the funniest, but they knew that, at some point, they were going to have to humanize their Schmucker a little bit in order to make the character watchable, much less relatable. It’s a bummer, because it’s usually the least funny part of the show, but it needs to be done. We’ve seen many different ways to humanize a Schmucker, from making them come to terms with the changing times (Ron Burgundy), to clinging on to their artistic integrity (Andy Millman), to desperately needing a family to love (Michael Scott), to actually being a pretty good salesman in his own right (Scott, David Brent). There are less memorable ones who don’t nail this move, and then there are the downright forgettable Schmuckers, who seem to not even care about any of this. So far, after one episode, Stephen is in that last category.

Stephen Merchant plays Stephen, the tallest Schmucker of all time. Stephen gangles his way through Los Angeles, not understanding why the women he hits on don’t love him as much as he loves himself. It’s baffling to him, except for one final moment at the end of each night, when there is no one around to impress, or make feel stupid, where he sits alone and reflects on all of the reasons why that is. Or not. I have no idea. He sits there quietly. But that’s what we’re supposed to think.

There has to be some level of hope for Stephen. We need to think that eventually the Club Girls will pull their heads out of their asses and realize X or Y about Stephen. It’s absurdly unrealistic, even if there were an easy to identify X and Y, but there just isn’t. He wants to come off as misunderstood, but he’s just unlikable. The only people that could like him aren’t people worth liking, which just forces him to hate them more. It’s a cycle that’s impossible to break unless you have a teensy bit of humility and self-awareness, which are impossible to have when you’re a Schmucker.

Have we learned enough from Merchant’s body of work to give this a little more time? Probably, but that means we’re going to have to lean heavier on the comedy than I’d like to, and the laughs just aren’t here either. My finger wants to point at the supporting cast, none of which really shine. But it’s hard to say if it’s the performances that are weak, or if Merchant’s character is just too big of an asshole to build a rapport with this soon. Either way, Merchant has another episode or two to right this Schmuckers train, or Hello Ladies isn’t going to last long.

-Ryan Haley