THE POP FILTER TOP TEN…PLUS!!!

TOP TEN TV FAMILIES WE WANT TO BE A PART OF

15. THE VENTURES

I defy you to find a family that would be cooler to belong to than the Ventures. First of all they live in an awesome mad-scientist style lab. You would never be bored; there are always jet packs to play with and machines that bring your fantasies to life.  Second, they have a freaking helper-robot slave! That’s so rad and worth hours of entertainment right there , at least until machines turn on humans but in that event Venture bodyguard Brock Samson is the most badass dude ever and would totally save you  while smoking a cigarette and looking cooler than Chuck Norris. If you grow up in the Venture household instead of school you get to pal around with Dr. Venture’s crazy friends. Playing with light sabers with Billy Quizboy and joining the underground revolution bent on taking down the Disney-like Brisby Empire is so much better! And when the time comes for teenage rebellion nothing says Fuck You Dad like donning a winged unitard and pledging allegiance to his nemesis The Monarch. Best of all  no matter how often retarded Hank and Dean wander into the middle of a laser fight with fatal consequences, daddy Venture has an army of memory-imbedded clones in his back pocket ready to step in and keep the family line going. Any family that guarantees immortality is one I want to be a part of! – AS

14. THE CONNERS

 

The Conners were capable of all of that schmaltzy, lovey-dovey bullshit that all of the other families on this list did all of the time. They just didn’t rely on it. The typical tone of the household was a war-zone, where you had to fight for food, space, and dignity. This seems much more realistic than the sticky-sweet fairy tales that filled the “plots” of “Full House” every week. Nobody had it worse than the Conners, at least no white family, but they handled all of the bad with the same sarcastic, borderline-cruel sense of humor they would when and if something good were to actually happen. All of this, and they were actually their-world-funny, which means that if you lived in the world of the show, they would actually make you laugh, as opposed to the writers relying on two dimensional caricatures of stupid people to make their laugh tracks forcefully erupt. All of them except for that fucking hosebag Becky. Man, that chick sucked. The only upside to her being in my family is that I would finally not want to bang my sister. – RH

13. THE BOTWINS

I know what some of you are thinking…who would EVER want to be a part of the cursed Botwin family?  I think if I could be Andy Botwin, life could be pretty good.  For one, Nancy Botwin is totally in love with me, even if it is in a closet sort of way that is occasionally cock-blocking.  Also, need I mention the RIDICULOUS amounts of pot?  Even the life-or-death situations involve some very friendly Mexican-gangster-types.  The best part about being Andy is that I could disappear at any time and no one would be disappointed…just go find a free-spirited floozy, a scheme to make money and go on the road, and suddenly Im away from the dickhead kids and Nancy’s cursed vagina.  Did I mention how much pot I could smoke?  I can’t remember… – LF

12. THE SIMPSONS

Living at 742 Evergreen Terrace would be like living on one of those contrived “celebreality” shows, but with one distinct difference. Those shows are peopled entirely by aging stars who crave paparazzi attention like McBane craves vengeance and adamantly refuse to let anyone forget what no-longer-relevant moment in time made them celebrities in the first place. The Simpsons, however, seem to struggle recalling the madcap adventures they had the week before. Apparently, judging by the lack of paparazzi camped out on their front lawn, so does everyone else in Springfield, A State.
Homer was a professional mascot for a Major League Baseball team, a professional boxer, a Grammy winner, the personal assistant to Alec Baldwin and Kim Basinger, and the grandiose manager of Country Music star Lurleen Lumpkin. In his spare time, he single-handedly saved Springfield from a Chernobyl-style nuclear meltdown and invented tomacco, a genetic hybrid between a tomato and tobacco.  Bart appeared on Krusty the Klown, briefly owned an elephant, ran a burlesque house, and was the poster child for the “Do What You Feel” festival that subsequently caused the town to almost stop functioning completely. Lisa met Paul and Linda McCartney in a secret oasis on the roof of the Kwik-E-Mart and landed a pitch meeting with the major players of the Malibu Stacy Division of PetroChem Petrochemical Corporation at 8 years old. Together, these elementary school children have also foiled the murderous plans of maniacal genius Sideshow Bob every god damned time. Marge ran a mob-funded pretzel business, has artwork hanging in the Springfield Art Museum, and was on the wrong side of a cross-country police chase.  And Maggie has probably the most amazing feats of all — she shot Mr. Burns and can change her own diapers.
Alone, any one of these accomplishments would be considered impressive at least. Collect them all together in one household and this family should have the paparazzi corp camped out on their front lawn. Yet, somehow, this family still manages to live under the radar — and, apparently, only just above the poverty line. If one were to take up residence with this family, one would conceivably be able to take part in these capers while also escaping any sort of backlash or lasting consequences. – KS

11. THE WILKERSONS

So I guess Malcolm’s family name is Wilkerson? I don’t know, but Wikipedia says so. According to them it’s only mentioned in the show twice, and one time was unaired. IDK, read the damn article yourself. We’re here to talk about me and my desire to have Hal Mr.-Malcolm’s-Dad be my daddy.
Yes, I made that sound weird on purpose, because I’m being honest here. I’ve got weird feelings for Hal. There’s something about his weathered, gangly, clean-cut looks combined with random and extensive technical skills, flair for tight-jeaned performance arts, and barely controlled self-destructive impulses that makes me want to get really weird with him.
And I just don’t want to be Lois (the mom) in this family, even though she and Hal have vigorous sex many times a day. She, as the wife, has to try to control and impede all the things that I like about Hal. Plus she has to try to raise their similarly brilliant and destructive children into people who are neither incarcerated nor clinically diagnosed as sociopaths. That’s not really my thing. I’d rather get swept up in the kid’s crazy misadventures than try to effing catch them at it. They’re sneaky little bastards.
Don’t get me wrong, I don’t want to be a home wrecker either. I’d just like to be like an adopted daughter, or a niece or cousin who lives with them for a while, maybe a sister-in-law who is around a lot. That way I could be a part of the absolute insanity of that household, perhaps pick up some of the crazy skills everyone seems to have, never be bored ever, and indulge in some forbidden sexual tension with Hal without ever crossing the line. That’s not weird. Shut up, no it’s not. – KH

10. THE REYNOLDS

Frank, Dennis, and Deandra Reynolds are quite honestly the most fucked family on television. The amount of bullshit that they put each other through is astounding, but we see them kickin it at Paddy’s Pub every week without fail! Ever heard character alignments in D&D? If not, go fucking educate yourself and google that shit right now! I’m sure you found a few meme’s of your favorite shows/took the test to find out what you are. This is relevant because The Reynolds Family is filled with only Chaotic Evil; they also surround themselves with friends that are the same. This makes them the most terrifying family to go near. Who wouldn’t want to play pranks and fuck over people who love you constantly without feeling bad about it? Think about all the laughter you will have at others expenses and the amount of joy you will get from the pain they feel. You’ll be rich from stealing and happy from ignorance. Best family values EVER. – MV

9. THE DUNPHYS

Few TV families acknowledge when events around them are completely absurd, and it’s almost as rare that the members of the family obviously care about each other despite their very evident flaws. The Dunphy/Pritchett clan embrace the wacky scenarios they wind up in by laughing and reacting at how strange it is, while mocking each other along the way. And isn’t mockery the key to a solid family? Every member has a unique relationship and chemistry with the rest of the family, through the light ribbing to more malicious jokes the love comes through. I don’t think I’d want to necessarily replace one of the family members, though if I did it would probably be Phil based solely on the consistency I trip on stairs and don’t ever fix anything. No matter your personal style, there are three smoking hot ladies for a bang-a-thon. So really I want to be a cousin or adopted relation, so I can just jump from Claire to Gloria to Haley. Family is important. -MG

8. THE VEALS

Arrested Development was, according to popular opinion, one of the best TV shows of all time. Also, according to science. I think it wouldn’t be outlandish to state that a lot of people would want to be a part of the Bluth family. They’re funny, incest is allowed and they live in California. Well you people are wrong and stupid. As wrong and stupid as incest. I don’t know if you’ve been following my crazy aunt’s Facebook posts recently but we just narrowly avoided a rapture. Sure, it was pushed back to October but even if that doesn’t pop off we’ve still got 2012 right around the corner. My point is that the end of the world is definitely a real thing that is happening soon. That’s why the family I want to be a part of is the Veal’s. You know what I was doing May 21st? Celebrating Cinco de Mayo. I sure wasn’t ready to be raptured, but I’ve learned from my mistakes. So Make fun of them all you want but the Veals are going to heaven and so am I and neither are you. It’s time to get pre-engaged to God, America. There’s nothing we love more than a last minute come from behind victory and I’ll be damned if God isn’t a true-blooded American because he loves it when people don’t get religious until right at the end and they’re scared. So start selling all your shit and burn those Peter and the Wolf records, folks. Tonight…we’re all having the Veal. – DT

7. THE SOPRANOS

I grew up as a gangly, pale ginger covered in zits. Bullies would come up to me, ask me my last name, and when they didn’t recognize it, they would kick the living shit out of me. Just imagine if, when asked, I could give them the last name ‘Soprano.’ Sure, they would question my red hair and tiny penis, but would probably leave me alone for fear of later being asked by my dad to go on a boat trip. Large family that will always take care of me? Check. Super supportive, good mom? Check. A little brother who can’t act at all? Check. Older sister I want to bang? Check. Kickass built-in career path? Check. I would just have to deal with an overbearing father who would occasionally call me gay and question my red hair and tiny penis. Didn’t I grow up with that anyway? CHECK! – RH

6. THE TANNERS

I do not want to, nor do I need to, nor do I have any creepy obsession with being a member of the Tanner family. Why is this, you ask? This is because I am a member of the Tanner family. I grew up with DJ, Steph and Michelle. They are my older, co-middle and younger sisters respectively. My dad is Danny Tanner, sports caster for some station who later became a talk show host. While he loved my sisters and me as much as he could, when my mom passes away he realized that he was going to need help. Enter: Uncle Jesse. My uncle was a rebel with a heart of gold and fully without a cause. He later married my dad’s TV co-host, Rebecca, who bore him beautiful twin boys. And even though they didn’t have a lot of money and lived in our attic, they had a whole load of love. When I think about it, I grew up in a pretty full house. And then there was Joey. Joey straight-up raped me. — JRN

5. THE MARSH FAMILY

Those who know me know that I love mining my family tree for comedic fodder.  The problem I consistently run into is that my immediate family just isn’t that funny or stupid.  This would be immediately rectified if Randy Marsh was my dad.  Whether he’s baseball fighting or competing to take the biggest dump in history, Randy is undoubtedly the funniest father figure on television.  If he was my dad I’d not only have consistent material for comedy routines, but I’d have a human litmus test for all sorts of lame fads (WoW, cooking shows, etc.).  With Sharon Marsh as my mom I’d also rest assured that I’d be protected from any and all consequences from murders that I, or my evil extra-dimensional fish, happened to commit (see Season 2’s Spookyfish).  Unfortunately I happened to choose this topic the day before the most recent episode, in which the Marshes got divorced.  Assuming I had a choice, I’d choose to live with dear old dad as life in a bachelor pad with Randy seems like the most entertaining thing a guy could wish for. – ASW

4. THE HUXTABLES

What I would give, in order to be able to be a member of the Huxtable family.  Aside from the obvious downside of having a Dad wearing ridiculous sweaters, the whole experience would be incredible.  I have to admit that the older sisters would get old pretty quickly, but they’ve got hot friends and they’re always getting in trouble, so its easy to look like an angel by comparison.  The best parts? Life lessons at every turn, a likely endless supply of Jello Pudding Pops in the fridge, wealthy hardworking parents, and finally, I would be a black.  I’ve always wanted to be able to dance…maybe even jump too! Heck, even if I was a white neighborhood kid that got absorbed into the amazingly inclusive Huxtable clan, I would certainly pickup on some of their mojo. – LF

3. THE BANKS’

I want to be Will Smith in Fresh Prince of Bel Air so bad! Getting whisked out of middle-class Philly mediocrity to live in glamorous Bel Air with the wealthy Banks family is like the American Dream. They have all the fun times of the Huxtable-style family talent shows with seemingly endless money! Enough to keep a slave at least, because let’s face facts there is some black on black slavery going on with the butler Geoffrey. He cooks every meal, serves as a 24 hour designated driver and is practically honor bound to cover for the kid’s shenanigans. I feel like he is just one step away from being forced to serve jail time on behalf of a Banks. Obviously they have the resources to buy careers for their kids — Hillary gets to be a talk show host, Ashley has her stint as famous singer and you know it’s only a matter of time before Carlton goes on tour as a dancer with Tom Jones.  But the best part about being a Banks is the magical ability to change your physical appearance. You could grow four years over a summer like Nicky or completely alter your looks, voice and personality like Vivian. Think of the criminal possibilities! And on the off chance you get caught Judge Philip Banks could always keep your ass out of jail. – AS

2. THE MATTHEWS’

I oftentimes wonder, “Do I love ‘Boy Meets World’ too much?”. I ask myself this question and know that it is simply impossible to love ‘Boy Meets World’ TOO much. You can love it enough or you can love it too little but too much does not exist in the pantheon of loving BMW. I know that there were those that were interested in the Corey-Shawn dynamic, or the Corey-Topanga, or the Eric-Jack, or the Angela-Shawn or even the Eric-Mr. Feeny dynamic. However, the glue that always held this show together was the fact that Mr. and Mrs. (Alan and Amy, respectively) Matthews raised not only Corey properly, but helped to make Shawn the upstanding citizen that he became, did the best they could with Eric and accepted Topanga as a daughter well before she married their middle child. The only frightening thing about the Matthews’ family is that their daughter went from 5 to 12 in a season and also from adorable little sis to terrible raging cunt. Even with that voodoo magic, however, I would give my lefty testy to be a member of the Matthews’ family. And it would be totally worth it because even though I would no longer be perfect, I would be a Matthews. And that is the sweetest prize of all. — JRN

1. THE BLUTHS

I don’t want to sound shallow, but I started the sentence that way so even if you read no further, you already know that I am shallow. Deep people don’t say things like “I don’t want to sound shallow.” They say things like “Never confuse movement with action” or “Isn’t the moon terrible?” I also don’t want to sound egotistical, self-centered, delusional, greedy, or dumb as a pair of tits. So now I’m gonna go ahead and do all of those things while explaining to you why I want to be a part of the Bluth family.

First of all, they are rich as fuck, which is the most important thing (due to my shallowness and greed). Even though the family essentially loses their fortune in the first episode, I don’t really understand the repercussions of that (due to my dumb-as-tits). Most of the Bluths don’t understand this either, so I will fit right in.

We have other things in common, too. Like me, they are all various combinations of shallow, egotistical, self-centered, delusional, greedy, and full-on-tittydumb. In fact, their flaws are so debilitating that they make me look not so bad, which I like (due to my egotism, self-centeredness, and delusions). If any of them ever tried to act superior to me, I could act superior right back. If they acted superior after that, so would I. By the end of it, we would both feel incredible about ourselves. Family satisfaction achieved. – KH