Celebrity Rubbernecking

Epic Win

We’ve all seen the DirecTV commercials with this guy. He’s the Russian who lives a life of splendor and opulence. Though, if you’re anything like me, you’ve been too busy staring at the Petite Lap Giraffe and wondering where and how to acquire one for yourself to even allow this dude’s face to settle permanently in your memory. Apparently, though, we’ve all chosen poorly and he’s precisely the type of guy you really need to keep an eye on. According to recent reports, Epic Win himself was spending some quality time on the roof of an LA hotel with a guy named Laurence Grossnickle when, for some reason I can’t seem to locate in the afore mentioned reports, DirecTV guy just started beating poor Laurence senseless. His lawsuit claims he’s suffered “facial disfigurement.” Really, though, I think this whole thing had to be just a big misunderstanding. I’m sure Epic Win was just trying to prove the effectiveness of having someone else work out for you.

 

Rob Kardashian

There are a couple of reasons why you may not have heard of Rob Kardashian. Maybe you don’t watch Keeping Up With The Kardashians. Or maybe you do and you just haven’t been able to figure out who that cave troll is in the background, behind all the pretty people. Either way, I’m fairly certain he doesn’t do anything but appear on a reality show that’s really about his 5 sisters. That is … until now. The guy you’ve never heard of until just a few moments ago has signed on to be a contestant on Dancing With The Stars. Now, I think we’ve all come to accept the fact that this show, based on the overwhelming majority of former contestants, should really be called Dancing With The Former Stars (with the exception of Cloris Leachman, whose star will never —  EVER — fade, god damn it!). However, I wasn’t aware that anyone who shares a family tree with any old celebretard was suddenly eligible. Rob’s IMDb page lists nothing but reality shows on E! that contain the names of his sisters in the titles. To be fair, it also states he graduated from the business school at USC in 2009. That is a worthy accomplishment. It’s also something that probably hundreds of other students accomplished at the same time. Did hundreds of people play Frau Blucher and terrify horses around the globe? No, they didn’t. Because that’s the kind of rare, magical performance that actually makes someone a star. FOR LIFE AND BEYOND.

 

Leighton Meester

 

If you don’t watch programs on the CW that are based on series of young adult novels or flicks that are blatant Single White Female bite-offs, you may not have heard of Leighton Meester. She plays the resident bitch on Gossip Girl, the teen-centric show about the kids of mansion people in Manhattan and the outrageous, felonious acts they are able to buy their way out of every week. In reality, Leighton is suing her mother for being an exploitative, soul-sucking, money-grubbing degenerate. Apparently, Leighton was sending her mother, Constance, $7,500 a month that was intended to pay the mounting medical bills incurred by her sickly younger brother. Constance accepted the money, but felt her son would be treated more effectively through botox treatments and new weaves for herself. Constance is also countersuing Leighton for a crapton of money. Her legal basis for this is that, since she gave birth to Leighton while in prison for drug trafficking and put her clearly already lucrative and successful life on hold to further Leighton’s career with acting classes and private schools, Leighton owes her over $200,000. With all this fighting going on amongst such an ideal American family, I can’t help but wonder who is thinking about this feeble and sickly little brother?! IS ANYONE GIVING HIM HIS MEDS?!

 

 

Alexander Skarsgard

 

 

 

 

This Norse God incarnate split from long-time girlfriend and living proof that celebrities don’t eat, Kate Bosworth. I don’t know what happened and, frankly, it would be inconceivable for me to care any less than I currently do. Kate Bosworth hasn’t been relevant in more than a few years (her bastardization of Lois Lane only pounded another spike into her career’s coffin) and, even when she was relevant, her movies were forgettable at best.

Ultimately, I just can’t pass up any excuse to post a picture of Alexander Skarsgard. The fact that people like this actually exist on the planet makes me think my flawed, mere mortal self should be claiming sanctuary in Notre Dame Cathedral, sparing the world from ever having to set eyes upon my repugnance ever again. And yet, I just can’t seem to look away from his brilliant, super-human beauty. The fact that he overcame impossible odds to win the genetic equivalent of the Powerball Jackpot becomes even clearer when you consider the fact that his father is barnacle-covered Bootstrap Bill. Alexander Skarsgard should, by all rights, not look the way he does. His sheer existence mocks God, which just makes him all the more appealing.