PREMIERE WEEK

The top five biggest, newest, hottest, soon-to-be-canceled, probably garbage television shows of the week!

1. THE LAST MAN ON EARTH

WHY YOU SHOULD WATCH IT: Because it’s Lord/Miller (The Lego Movie, 22 Jump Street), the official owners of the world, the kings of all media, the lords of millers. Plus, come on…Will Forte. You know he played both John McGruber and John Nebraska?

WHY YOU WON’T: So far, FOX’s “ANIMATION DOMINATION BUT IT’S HALF LIVE-ACTION” hasn’t really dominated. You know people, there was a recent time when we all accepted live-action shows and animated shows existing on the same night. But apparently after just a few years of ANIMATION DOMINATION, it’s no longer appropriate. But Will Forte!!!

HOW LONG WILL IT TAKE TO GET CANCELED: It looks like it could be good, but the thing this is going to really come down to is budget. Did the showrunners figure out a way to cheaply convey the post-apocalypse? Then it’ll be OK for awhile. Otherwise, it’ll go the way of the (Terra Nova) dinosaurs.

2. BATTLE CREEK

WHY YOU SHOULD WATCH IT: When it was first announced, we thought that this would be the only show on television with the name Vince Gilligan attached. Now that we have Better Call Saul, and it’s pretty great, then I’m not sure we need this anymore. Who am I kidding? Even CBS-watered down Vince is still Vince, right?

WHY YOU WON’T: Because it’s a drama on CBS. What are you, my great-great-great grandmother? What are you, a mummified pilgrim on a dinosaur? Giligan vs. CBS will be interesting, though. Will CBS let something interesting exist on their network, or will they just beat Gilligan’s voice to death, leaving him to die alone on…I don’t know…let’s call it Vince’s Island.

HOW LONG WILL IT TAKE TO GET CANCELED: Almost everything on CBS lasts a minimum of 12 years, so it might take awhile. Most of it depends on A) whether or not it’s good, and B) how interested is CBS on airing one quality drama.

3. SECRETS AND LIES

WHY YOU SHOULD WATCH IT: Because all signs are pointing towards 2015 being the Year of Phillipe, and you don’t want to miss the boat.

WHY YOU WON’T: Because it’s a serialized mini-series, and if you miss the first one, you want tune in for the rest. And you want watch the first one, because why would you? It’s another “dead kid” story, but this time with Ryan Phillipe.

HOW LONG WILL IT TAKE TO GET CANCELED: You’d think that, because it’s a mini-series, it will definitely be allowed to at least finish its initial run. You’d think that…

4. THE GOOD WITCH

WHY YOU SHOULD WATCH IT: Because your remote control was repoed, and it would cost you $1.4 billion to get it back.

WHY YOU WON’T: It’s a show you’ve never heard of, on a channel you don’t watch, based on a series of movies you’ve never seen. But it does have Catherine Bell, so you never know.

HOW LONG WILL IT TAKE TO GET CANCELED: However long it takes the fucking Hallmark Channel to do things.

5. SEX BOX

WHY YOU WILL WATCH IT: People have sex in a box, while other people wait until they can talk to them afterwards.

WHY YOU SHOULDN’T: People have sex in a box, while other people wait until they can talk to them afterwards.

HOW LONG WILL IT TAKE TO GET CANCELED: Probably never, the way society is today. Thanks, Obama.

 – Ryan Haley