Reality Bites: Jersey Shore

Of all the reality show formulas I hate the people-living-in-a-house genre second most, after the legal prostitution masquerading as dating shows of course. Big Brother bores me to tears and Real World hasn’t been relevant or real since say 1995. But my secret shame, my guiltiest of guilty pleasures is watching the antics of what appears to be a gang of coked-up, mentally challenged oompa loompas on spring break. I’m talking of course about Jersey Shore.  Maybe it’s because I’m Italian or maybe it’s because I spent my childhood summers down the shore so the stench of spray tan, hairspray and steroid-sweat makes me feel oddly comforted. Whatever the reason, since season one I have been an avid (albeit secret) fan.

I could go for hours explaining the intricacies of who’s slept with who, who’s been arrested and who needs to be bitch slapped  for the past three seasons but fuck it lets get to the new stuff. This year they’ve left the shore and are headed to Italy, the motherland of the Guido! I am beyond excited to see how Italy reacts to the bastardization of their culture by the dumbest group of cum buckets the world has ever seen. For those of you who can’t tell the cast apart because you’re a bunch of racists who think all drunk gorillas look alike I have put together this handy dandy reference guide:

Snookie — the short, dumb, alcoholic, slutty one with a penchant for flashing her cooch.

Pauly D — the loud, dumb, alcoholic, slutty one who’s blow-dried and shellacked coif stands so tall it can pick up alien transmissions

JWoww — the bitchy, alcoholic, violent one who feels it is her duty to the world to display her big fake titties at every opportunity

The Situation — the self-absorbed, dumb, alcoholic, slutty one who isn’t happy unless he’s flashing his abs or starting shit

Sammi — the clingy, whiny, dumb, alcoholic, bitchy one who’s sole purpose in life is to make sure no one has any fun

Ronnie — the roided-out, dumb, alcoholic, violent one with a tendency to erupt into fights and dance like an idiot

Deena — the desperate, dumb, alcoholic, slutty one who won’t be happy until she sleeps with every guy in the house

Vinny — the sweet, dumb, alcoholic, slutty one…he’s actually a pretty good guy.

So season four starts with everyone at their individual homes, each packing enough clothes to outfit the entire Ed Hardy nation and plotting to get supremely wasted and sleep with every available Italian who wanders in their path. Except JWoww and Snookie who placate their jealous boyfriends and promise of course they’re going to remain good and faithful this year — doubtful but I guess there’s a first time for everything.  Sammi is shown surrounded by female relatives listening in rapt attention as she adamantly denies the possibility of another will-they-won’t-they season of cat fights and makeup sex with Ronnie. I don’t believe a word of it and at this point I’ve decided she must be contractually obligated to start shit over nothing with him every thirty seconds or get kicked off due to her inability to display anything remotely resembling human communication. Seriously grizzly bears show more intelligence and understanding when coming to blows over a tasty carcass than these two arguing over whether or not they briefly made eye contact with someone of the opposite sex at a bar.

 

After an excruciatingly long preparation and travel montage where not one person drinks till they puke but Deena does manage to teeter off her ridiculously high heels and face plant in the middle of the airport thong up, they finally assemble in the beautiful but soon-to-be trashed villa. I don’t know if it’s actually a villa but that’s what all Italian houses/apartments/hobo shacks are called right? To start the season off right they all do a shot of genuine Italian limoncello, which at least two roommates proclaim to loooove for its authenticity but judging by the grimaces on every single face it’s just another glaring indication of how far from Italian Guido actually is. Then there is some boring stuff where Snooki has to drive and gets them lost so they miss the gym portion of their G.T.L. for the day. Honestly I’m a little disappointed with the big season opener, I know they’re just winding up but is it too much to ask for just a little taste of sloppy drunken hot-tub hijinks?

The big drama of the episode occurs when The Situation decides he is suddenly interested in Snooki now that she is in a happy relationship after three seasons of fighting off her inebriated advances. In classic Jersey Shore style he confides in Ronni that they slept together recently-but don’t tell anyone! And by don’t tell anyone he of course means please run and tell everyone as soon as possible so the whispered conferences and backbiting can begin.  Because if you didn’t want anyone to know you would keep your mouth shut-that’s how that works! While this week’s episode lacked the special brand of trashy brawls we’ve come to expect the montage of upcoming episodes featuring shattered plates whipping through an epic fight and Snooki going to Italian jail made me squeal then instantly feel dirty.  I’ve come to the realization watching Jersey Shore isn’t much different than sitting around doing whip-its for an hour laughing manically for thirty seconds at a time while you can literally feel your brain rotting away…but you didn’t really need those brain cells anyway did you? – AS