Up!

Before I get all hot and bothered, I would first like to acknowledge the fact that I was almost in love with this movie. Pixar was able to pack an intensely beautiful LIFE between two people into a neat little package of storytelling that had me bawling like a child who can’t find their mother. I could feel the love radiating from the screen and it made me want what they had soo bad. I really wish I would have walked out of the theater at the moment she died. But no. I thought I would get multiple mind orgasms from Up!, But boy, was I wrong!
Firstly, the talking dogs were fluff entertainment. I get it, dogs don’t hold their attention span very long; and in direct correlation, children don’t hold their own either. What I don’t understand is why Pixar had to dumb down the characters of their movies. There were no stupid characters in any of the previous films! Even Dory in Finding Nemo had such redeeming qualities you couldn’t get mad at her crazy antics. It was low brow comedy to have the most fearful dog have a super high womanly voice! And, really  “SQUIRREL”?!  I’ve never grimaced so much in a movie when children laughed hysterically over a stupid joke! It makes me fearful for our future and what comedy will be for them!
Secondly, characters are supposed to age! If Carl Fredrickson is an old man now, his idol from when he was a child should be dead or cryogenically frozen. Let’s be real, Carl is well into his 60’s! Charles Muntz was an explorer IN CARLS CHILDHOOD. HELLO PIXAR- MAJOR FLAW IN THE PLOT LINE! Charles should be well into his 80’s! There is absolutely no way he should be capable of flying hot air balloons, fighting, and owning multiple dogs!  SPEAKING OF MULTIPLE DOGS- FUCK DOGS THAT CAN FLY MINI AIRPLANES! What. The. Fuck. Pixar?! Paws can’t operate steering AND shooting! Opposable thumbs are super necessary!
Thirdly, Carl seemed like a completely sensible man. So sensible that the whole premise of blowing up balloons and sailing away to Paradise Falls is completely uncharacteristic of him. Sure, death motivates people to do crazy things… but dude. His house was on a plot of land that big companies were trying to buy out! He had enough money saved for TWO people to fly to Paradise Falls!! THERE IS NO REASON TO UPROOT HIS HOUSE TO GET THERE! If he simply sold his house, packed only the minimal needs, and flew to Paradise Falls [hell he could have done it first class] it would have been SOO MUCH EASIER. Sure, he was a balloon man, but come on- that amount of balloons would be impossible for one person to fill without a quarter of them going limp!
Every time someone says they love Up!, I just grumble that I FUCKING HATE THAT MOVIE. Pixar should have done an Incredibles sequel and made the world a better place!-MV

There’s so much music coming out that I have enough trouble keeping up with what’s going on just right now. It’s even harder to go back and listen to the music of the past, so normally I can’t really comment on it. Fortunately the Rolling Stones are still playing the same goddamn songs they were playing in 1962 so I actually can comment on them. They suck. They really fucking suck. I wouldn’t have enjoyed them back then and I certainly don’t enjoy them now that they’re being sung by old piles of rags. Mick Jagger once said “I’d rather be dead than singing “Satisfaction” when I’m forty-five.” I agree Mick Jagger. I would rather you have died as well. The only explanation for how creepy and disgusting those guys are is that somewhere in a dusty attic there are perfectly preserved portraits of all The Rolling Stones members in some sort of fucked up reverse Dorian Grey twist. That they’re all still around and doing world-wide tours while half The Beatles have died is the most sure sign of proof that either there is no God or he’s alive and hates good music. Musical taste is completely personal and subjective, except that its not all. The Rolling Stones are scientifically terrible and if you like them, so are you. I would like to stress that spouting out the few Stones songs that you think do have merit is retarded. They’ve been making music twice as long as I’ve been alive, so they’d goddamn better have a few good songs by random chance alone. Buddy Holly only released three albums before he died and they’re way better than any of the shit the Stones churn out. Then he had the good grace to go and die on an airplane while he was still beloved. Take a hint, Jagger. Its not too late.-DT