SUCK MY DISC

DVDs and Blu-Rays for the week of August 2nd, 2011

 

SOMETHING BORROWED

1.5 STARS

 

I would have loved to talk to y’all today about Cary Fukanaga’s “Jane Eyre”, released today to DVD and blu-ray, which was by no means a perfect movie, but interesting enough, and certainly a little bit to sink your teeth into. But unfortunately, it was reviewed on last week’s Pop Filter podcast,which if you’re not listening to already, you definitely should be. It’s the best podcast this site has to offer.

 

 

So instead, I’m reviewing the movie that astonishingly made the most at the box office out of all of this week’s offerings. It is called “Something Borrowed”, and although it seemingly came and went in theaters, remaining under the radar, it still managed to make forty million dollars. Maybe staying under the radar helped it out. Had it of started off as a bigger hit in the beginning of its run, it would have been revealed to be utter, utter garbage, and petered out quicker. I’d like to think that. But I just can’t. I have no reason to. You people love crap.

 

 

Now forty million dollars isn’t going to set any records or anything, but it’s more than thirty dollars, the amount this movie deserved to make. And now I have to fucking review it. SHIT! Here we go:

Rachel and Darcy are best friends. Rachel is a shy puss. Darcy is a fucking monster. Chicks who hate the word cunt will change their minds after meeting Darcy. Darcy is engaged to Dex, who it turns out, is in love with Rachel. And Rachel loves Dex. The movie is terrible and unfunny and senseless and awful. One and a half stars.

 

 

There’s nothing else to say. Any further criticism or analysis would be a waste of all of our time. So let’s focus on something a little more interesting, if just barely. Did you know that just over a decade ago, Kate Hudson was nominated for an Oscar? That’s right. Kate Hudson, who, if you haven’t guessed yet, plays the titular cunt in this movie, which I’m renaming “Kate Hudson is a Cunt”.

 

 

There is a theory in Hollywood called the Good Will Theory, which for the most part focuses on actors and directors. To get some good will, you just need to make or star in a movie that fulfills two of the following three requirements: 1) Make a shit ton of money 2) Audiences love it 3) Critics Love It. “Almost Famous” conquered number two and three. Audiences unabashedly think that it’s great, and even the most stubborn critics are forced to admit, among their list of the problems they think it has, that it has an inarguable charm that pushes it to at least good, if not great. Kate Hudson, although just a supporting actress in the film, earned more Good Will than anyone else involved. Why? First of all, no one knew who the fuck Kate Hudson was before this movie. People love starmaking performances. Second of all, her weird eyes and ears and face had just started getting funky, so she was still kind of hot. How were we to know that she was soon about to receive cauliflower ear to every part of her face? And thirdly, she was, believe it or not, pretty good. An argument could be made that this movie fucked her; she played a Manic Pixie Girl, and was type cast immediately. I wholeheartedly disagree. She was perfectly cast, because she was given a role that suits her talents exactly. She was destined to be typecast. Hudson was never going to be an Actress; for her it was Star or bust. And this one little movie about a fake band Stillwater gave her a record amount of Good Will, and I cannot believe we are still paying for it.

 

I’m sorry, guys. As dedicated as I am to you, I do not have the time, nor the mental capacity to sit down with Kate Hudson’s entire filmography. So I’m going to cheat a little bit, thanks to Rotten Tomatoes.

 

STARRING ROLES, POST “ALMOST FAMOUS”

 

2003 – “HOW TO LOSE A GUY IN TEN DAYS” – 42%

2003 – “ALEX AND EMMA” – 11%

2003 – “LE DIVORCE” – 37%

2004 – “RAISING HELEN” – 23%

2005 – “THE SKELETON KEY” – 37%

2006 – “YOU ME AND DUPREE” – 21%

2008 – “FOOL’S GOLD” – 11%

2008 – “MY BEST FRIEND’S GIRL” – 14%

2009 – “BRIDE WARS” – 11%

2011 – “KATE HUDSON IS A CUNT” – 15%

 

A couple of notes from this astonishing list of total fucking garbage.

 

-No one is more surprised than me at the number of these movies that I have seen: 2. I have actually sat through “How to Lose a Guy in Ten Days” and “Raising Helen.” Fuck my ass.

 

-”Almost Famous” came out in 2000. Her first starring role was in 2003. She acted in the meantime, but nothing that she had to carry on her shoulders. Three years? Did we almost make it out of this without her becoming a star? Close one. Thanks, Hollywood, for making sure that a three year gap was fine, and we could still use us some more Kate Hudson.

 

-The highest rated movie on this list is “Lose a Guy”, which is still under 50%. If that’s not insane enough, it’s crazy at how many movies are notoriously bad. We’re talking legendary. “Bride Wars” and “You Me and Dupree” are in the Hall of Fame, and I’m sure cases could be made about every single one of these. (You listening, Bottomfeeder?)

 

-The percentages do get lower and lower as time goes on, and I don’t think this is an accident. Good Will doesn’t just get you jobs, or make more people go to your movies. I genuinely think that, high on Good Will, people like YOU more. So they will be more forgiving to your awfulness. I doubt “Lose a Guy” is that much better than “Cunt”, but back then, people liked Kate Hudson. So they liked “Lose a Guy”, at least liked way more than they ever should have.

 

But Good Will isn’t totally supposed to work like that. Eventually it runs out, to the point you can’t get work. I have to believe that Kate Hudson’s time is done. Will she ever work again? Probably. Should she? Believe it or not, yes. I no longer think she should be able to skate on her name. But there are things she can do to revive her Good Will. She has to prove she can act. She has to take supporting roles. She doesn’t have to get gritty, but maybe something that doesn’t shower her in Louis Vuitton bedazzled cell phones, or whatever the fuck they make. She needs another “Almost Famous”. And the last thing she needs is another “Kate Hudson is a Cunt.” I’m sure it’s possible for an actress to play a total cunt for laughs. It comes off weird in this movie for a couple reasons. She is one of the two leads, and it isn’t really played for laughs. We are, by the actions of everyone around her, that she is acting in a totally acceptable way. Julia Roberts in her prime couldn’t have gotten away with this. Kate Hudson should have burned the fucking script as soon as she read it. You can make it back, Kate. Or don’t. Literally no one gives a shit.

 

-Ryan Haley