Bottom Feeders: CornuCoppola

Welcome to a special bonus edition of Bottom Feeders.  Today I’m going to review a movie very near and dear to my own heart, but first – why Tuesday?  Everyone knows I’m a Monday guy, so what happened?  Is Ryan, like Mike, dead dead dead?  Are they both alive and busy watching Like Mike?  Who Knows?  The fucking Shadow knows, that’s who.  Now let’s get feeding, I’m pumped.

Today I get to talk about one of my favorite things: bagood movies.  A bagood movie is one that is so bad that it, wait for it, becomes good.  They’re the movies that run so fast and so stupidly around the globe that they break the laws of time and space and pat themselves on the back with their own stupid hands.  One such movie would be Deadfall.  It’s directed by one Coppola, features another (the best one) and just for good measure tosses in some Charlie Sheen, a little bit of giant claw arm and a healthy dash of skull fucking insanity, pours all that shit straight into our eyes and then does unspeakable things to our bodies.  Like skull fucking.  Don’t worry, we like it.

Deadfall starts just like any other movie.  There’s a scene, we meet some characters, then there are more scenes, some with other characters.  It’s a film noir type deal with some conmen or whatever.  Not important.  The movie is in the womb at this point, just waiting to claw it’s way into our world and scream in our stupid faces for daring to create it.  It bursts forth the exact moment we see this:

Yes, that’s Nicolas Cage and yes, he makes this movie fucking amazing.  DO NOT TAKE MY WORD FOR THIS.  We all know he has a reputation for being less than the best actor ever, if only slightly.  Roger Ebert has this to say in his defense: “He’s a fearless actor. He doesn’t care if you think he goes over the top. If a film calls for it, he will crawl to the top hand over hand with bleeding fingernails.”  If you replace ‘actor’ with ‘animal’ and ‘a film’ with ‘nothing at all’ you’ll realize he isn’t an amazing actor, he is insane. That said, this isn’t a typical Nic Cage joint.  This is so far beyond that.  Nicolas Cage’s brother directed Deadfall and basically told him “Do whatever you want, bro.”  Thus, we are watching what Nicolas Cage would do if he could, in fact, do whatever he wanted on camera.  think about that for a second.  Then watch this (NSFW):

Ho. Lee. Shit.  Did you see that fight scene?  I honestly don’t know what to call what Nicolas Cage is doing in this movie.  It isn’t acting and here’s a quick Arabic lesson to explain why.  The Arabic word for ‘to act’ comes from the same root as the word for ‘to resemble’ and literally means to make yourself resemble something else.  Saying Nicolas Cage acts in this movie implies that there is something out there in this world that would ‘act’ that way and I don’t want to live in that world.  Whatever it is, it’s amazing.  Unfortunately for us, Nicolas Cage isn’t the main character of Deadfall and dies well before the movies ends.  Don’t worry, though.  there’s more.  Remember Charlie Sheen?  BAM!

honestly, his acting isn’t that bad, just a little hammy.  The great thing about watching this suave, billiards playing badass is that every time Charlie Sheen speaks now, you can look back and realize that this is what he thinks he looks like.  That’s fun and he has a henchman named Sausage for no reason at all.  He goes away too, because Deadfall wants to punish you.  It gives you something you love and yanks it right back – but don’t worry, there’s always more.  Deadfall is a forgiving God.  Remember that claw arm deal?

Bear in mind that up until this point, Deadfall is at least trying to pretend it could exist in our world.  This is something different and terrifying and completely alien.  It’s like when those lizard people revealed their real faces on V.  That scares the shit out of me and I didn’t watch that show, either. Look, if I haven’t convinced you to watch this movie by now I don’t know what else I can say.  You’re determined to walk through life like a fool and when judgement day comes you’re going to be the asshole explaining to the whole world that yes you’d heard about Deadfall but no you didn’t make time to see it.  You’ll feel pretty stupid then, won’t you?  If nothing I’ve said has convinced you let me try one more time.  Clear your mind.  Picture Nic Cage, doing his thing.  Now picture his brother directing him.  Now open your eyes.

THAT is his brother.  Not only did you just see that, but you were reading with your fucking eyes closed. Just for good measure, do it again but this time picture Nic Cage growing older and having a son.  Now picture that son growing up.  Open ’em

All Coppolas are insane.  All Deadfalls are awesome.  WATCH THIS MOVIE.

What you should watch instead: Are you fucking kidding me?  Watch Deadfall!  Or Johnny Mnemonic…that one’s good too.

 

Do you know a bagood movie?  Maybe just a regular bad one?  Hit me up at [email protected] and explain yourself before you cause pain to yourself.  Or, follow me on Twitter @Dan_Tompkins.  You can shout at me there and as a bonus, I will amuse you.