Reality Bites: Whisker Wars

What’s more fun than watching grass grow? Watching facial hair grow of course! At least that’s what IFC hopes as its newest reality show aimed at the hipster underground attempts to make people care about drunk hairy guys.  Whisker Wars follows bearding Team USA around the country as they battle for hairy glory in preparation for the world championship in Norway. Who knew bearding was a sport…or even a word? It’s got to be the laziest sport on the planet, granted I’ve never tried but how hard can it actually be to grow a beard?  Far easier than producing an interesting show based on the concept. I will say the beards on these guys are damn impressive, some elaborately curled and shaped while others flow freely almost to the treasure trail. I can’t even imagine how many hours – nay years – of not holding a job or getting laid it must have taken to grow a face carpet of such epic proportions.

This week’s episode features the California faction led by Team USA captain Phil Olsen competing in hostile territory in Austin, Texas.  Now I’m not caught up on my Whisker Wars back story but it appears there is some political unrest between the two groups of gentlemen.  Apparently Texas feels California is in the game for all the wrong reasons and is making a commercial mockery over the noble sport of bearding. What exactly are the right reasons…the old chin injury acts up in the cold? The pickup truck looked naked without it? Before the night’s showdown captain Confederate-soldier- guy tries to make peace between his dueling tribes. In an officially awkward session of group bonding he pleads for a united front to stand strong for victory in Norway. Current World Champion Jack Passion is butt-hurt because members of the Austin club have been cyber bullying him like a group of middle school bearded ladies. First of this has to be the guy’s stage name- he’s a flaming ginger bearder named Jack Passion that doesn’t happen naturally. I’m disappointed these guys don’t emulate porn stars with themed names like Beard Reynolds and Harry Chester. Second — you cannot participate in an ironic bar event and get mad the other team is blasting you on Twitter! That’s what Twitter was invented for — third-world revolutions and shit-talking on your hipsters vs. hippies water balloon fight rivals.

Turns out the Austin boys are only punking Passion because they’re jealous of his fame in the arena. He is the only one among them with a book out — The Facial Hair Handbook. I’m insanely jealous he has found a way to make a bodily function profitable.  No real resolution is reached prior to the competition but they do try to hug it out resulting in one competitor’s flattened giant curled moustache. Least manly moustache mishap ever. The big show takes place in Austin bar The Mohawk Lounge and celebrity guest judge Billy Gibbons from ZZ top arrive in all his bearded glory.  If bearding is a sport Gibbons is their Michael Jordan…or more current good sports guy, I don’t know sports alright fill in a name. The crowd is drunk on PBR and hair-envy and packed in tight to cheer on their favorites. The beards are judged on soul, duration and historical significance in categories like Fiercest Chops, Best Groomed and Freestyle. The main event is Passion’s specialty, the Full Natural or Gnarliest Beard. Passion is passed over for the gnarliest beard in Texas and the championship chalice is instead awarded to Aarne Bielefeldt who promptly chugs a beer from the chalice and soaks his mighty beard exciting wet-hair fetishists everywhere.   Bielefeldt is an interesting departure from the typical biker, cowboy or hipster bearder. As the only European member of the American Bearding team he represents his homelands by dressing like some sort of lederhosen-clad nightmare hobo used to scare children into eating their vegetables.

Facial hair is a funny beast. It’s the only avenue a guy can use to enhance his appearance without having to call no homo.  When you think of beards and moustaches certain historical images come to mind; Abraham Lincoln’s chin curtain, the Hitlerstache, the shifty old-timey villain twirling his waxed moustache, brawny Viking giants with sea foam in their braided beards on the verge of rape and plunder. What was once a man’s pride has been out of civilized fashion for some time, making a brief and unfortunate appearance in the 70’s. We’re just now starting to see moustaches pop up on men with vests and skinny jeans and the hipster call sign moustache tattoo or bumper sticker.  It’s an interesting novelty TV show concept but I can’t see this having any possible longevity. Which is fine because now that bearding has its own reality show all the hipsters who compete will have to find a more obscure hobby to drink PBR and make ironic team names for. – AS