Bottom Feeders: Gettin’ Gigli With It.

Anyone can pick on the weak guy.  That’s why there are bullies.  They want to kick the little scrawny kid while he’s down because it makes them feel good.  It’s a lot harder to stand up for those who can’t defend themselves, so you shouldn’t try to.  I sure as hell won’t.  Welcome to Bottom Feeders – the twice monthly column where I tell you that the worst movies ever are in fact terrible.  If you’ve never seen Battlefield Earth then don’t bother – I’ll suffer through it for you and then cop out with a bunch of easy scientology jokes.

It’s like CliffsNotes for bad movies!  So here’s how it works: 1) I watch a terrible movie, usually while also playing a video game or watching another movie.  2) As many as two hours before my article is due I write about said movie, forgetting several important details.  3) I compare it to the worst movie I’ve ever seen, “Did You Hear About the Morgans?” 4) You read it.  I’m really counting on you for step four here, so let’s get kicking.

For my first victim I chose “Gigli.”  Released in 2003 with a ton hype it lasted only three weeks in theaters.  Although in similar situations I mutter something under my breathe about it being my first time, director Martin Brest did the honorable thing and made it his last, never directing again.  A lot of people blamed J.Lo and B.Fleck for this one and that’s understandable.  It’s not a shining moment for either of them and their Jersey accents are really…just terrible.  However, In my opinion the only thing these two did wrong was fuck each other and let other people know about it.  This prompted some faceless executive to dip his fingers into that sweet Beniffer Pie and rewrite what was supposed to a black comedy with no romantic subplot into a giant ball of shit with no plot whatsoever.

I also lay the blame squarely on the shoulders of whoever was in charge of editing this thing.  If he’d tried and done a bad job I would understand but as far as I can tell he did no job at all.  The movie has about 15 different monologues in it and I assure you that none of them are watchable. They wanted shitty monologues so bad they threw Christopher Walken and Al Pacino in there just to give a few more.  Both actors stumble on screen, deliver a long, nonsensical speech, and then pretty much disappear.

So here’s the moment of truth: Is Gigli worse than Did You Hear About the Morgans?  No.  It’s not the worst movie ever.  It’s probably not even bottom ten, but it is pretty bad.  It includes a scene in which Jennifer Lopez asks Ben to go down on her by telling him “It’s turkey time” and then saying “gobble gobble.”  Going down on women is disgusting enough in the first place, J.Lo!  Don’t make me think of awkward Thanksgiving dinners while you’re at it!

As terrible as it is, with some judicious editing this movie could have been no worse than any other romantic comedy.  Since they’re all pretty terrible that would have been a pretty big step up for this one.  I think the only reason people hate this movie so badly is that they were actually excited about it.  Expectations have a lot to do with how much we actually enjoy things and for some reason a romantic comedy with two dating co-stars that had been rewritten at the last minute sounded like a movie that might be good to people back then.  2003 was obviously a much different time.  I think 9/11 might not have happened yet and people were much more innocent.  We know better now, and I’m sure shitty romantic comedies are a thing of the past.

 

What you should watch instead: Splash.  Romantic comedies are bullshit unless they have Tom Hanks and mermaids.  Then they’re fucking magical.