THE POP FILTER TOP TEN

REALISTIC SEX SCENES

10-KNOCKED UP

When Leslie Mann delivers the line of “Seriously?” while looking at Seth Rogen, the tone in her voice should really resonate with each and every one of you. Everyone has been there before [or have you buried your shame with the salt bath you gave your genitals afterwards?], that weak moment where the overwhelming patheticness of never getting laid finally lowers your standards to the point where its embarrassing. In this case, Knocked Up certainly wins a spot for one of the most realistic sex scenes in the entire world. Don’t you look at some really really hot women and see their baby’s daddy? Doesn’t it come as a huge confusion?? Well be confused no longer! This movie solved the huge conundrum for all of us! Fucking some random dude without a condom while super trashed? Classtastic, and sadly… so normal. Also, the sex scene where she is pregnant … *shudder* no one wants to think about their parents having sex while you are inside one of them. Ew. -MV

 

9-AMERICAN PIE

I know what you’re thinking; this entire movie is nothing more than ridiculously fabricated sex scenes.  Hot exchange students don’t randomly masturbate in their classmate’s bedrooms, band geeks would never use a flute as a sex toy (hello that would totally jam the keys) and at no point was that duck-faced retard Jennifer Coolidge ever considered a MILF. I actually buy that a desperate teen might attempt sticking his dick in a pie based on an unsettling rumor about a microwaved watermelon floating around my high school. But amidst the outrageous set-ups lies one gem of sexual realism — Vicky and Kevin losing their V cards in the most awkward way possible.  This is why virgins shouldn’t sleep together- it’s never sexy to discuss which position to use prior to copulation, “like normal style…uh, missionary position.” You can’t tell me you don’t recognize that discomfited look in their eyes mid-coitus when they realize sex with their high school sweetheart  isn’t quite as magical as everyone claims. And the clumsy way he flounders on top of her while they try to mash their parts together, ugh it gives me the angsty high school willies just thinking about it. – AS

 

8-WET HOT AMERICAN SUMMER

The sex scene between McKinnley and Ben is the first gay sex scene I ever watched. And I guess I’ve never seen real gay sex, so I can’t compare it specifically to two dudes doing it, but I have watched 2 to 3 people have straight sex, and I have had sex at least 19 times with other people and exactly 1,477.3 times by myself, so I have that for comparison. And to the extent that all loving sex is the same, this scene felt real. The tense steamy looks, the slow triumphant lifting off of shirts, the gentle hair pulling, the awkward soccer balls and knee-high socks, the ability to be tender and intimate even while doing it from behind. These things are real. Real gay-KA

7-CAN’T HARDLY WAIT

Look, we all know that the bathroom floor of a party is almost always going to be where you sleep with someone for the first time. The booze, the awkward fights with a long lost friend, the only abnormal part is being locked in instead of doing the locking. Other than that, I’ve lived that exact scenario too many times. I mean…I’ve heard about that exact scenario too many times. The tiles will always be cold on your back, you will always hit your head against the counter, the after math will always be incredibly awkward and the girl will always tell you it gets better with like, uh, practice and stuff. And that’s when you slip into your suave suburban gangsta speech and let her know that she’s a piece of shit for letting you touch her, so TAKE THAT!-MG

6-MACGRUBER

MacGruber doesn’t take itself seriously very often. There’s only a handful of times in the entire film that display real life. When it’s appropriate to pull off a double decker? Check. What to do with extra celery? Check. But the truest, realist moment in the entire movie is when, for the first time in cinema history, we get to see how real men have sex. Or at least how I have sex. The weird, long whinnies. The bored look on the chick’s face. The second hand on the clock not getting all the way around. I know that both Kristen Wiig and Will Forte are two great actors, if not the greatest actors of their time, if not the greatest actors of all time. But I wouldn’t be surprised at all if a cameraman snuck into their room and secretly filmed them. That’s how real this shit is. – RH

 

5-MONSTER’S BALL

Monster’s Ball’s sex scene is pretty damn excellent.  Not because it’s hot or anything but because it’s so damn realistic.  First off we get a questionable looking gent and a beautiful woman, which pretty much seems to be the norm these days at least in the sex I’ve had.  Then there’s just the complete awkwardness of the whole deal.  Halle Berry knows what she wants but Billy Bob is like “Oh fuck sex?! Um…YEAH!  Alright, how do I do this?”, which is also pretty much my experience with the deed.  When we get down to the actual sex we get a bunch of starting and stopping and he seems to finish well before she does.  Again, pretty much par for the course.  Also when it’s good they manage to get it just right, where it’s beautiful and kind of fucking ugly at the same time.  Anybody who’s done it knows the beauty and anyone who’s walked in on it knows the ugly.  Most realistic sex scene of all time?  Maybe not but fuck if it doesn’t ring true in a lot of key areas. – ASW

4-THE BROWN BUNNY

Brown Bunny is definitely going to be the subject of a Bottom Feeders at some point in the near future. It’s basically the exact opposite of a porn – a whole bunch of shitty dialogue with a tiny bit of fucking at the end. Also rape, ghosts and choking to death on vomit. But we’re not here for that, we’re here for the sex. I’m not sure why Brown Bunny isn’t in the top spot – I don’t compile these lists – but it pretty much should be because as far as I know it’s the only entry with real, un-simulated dick sucking. That’s, uh, pretty realistic. And no, it’s not worth the first hour or so of this shit box just to watch Vincent Gallo pump his smug load in Chloe Sevigny’s mouth.-DT

3-SUPERBAD

If you didn’t watch Becca and Evan’s drunken quasi-hookup and cringe just a little bit, then you have a complete lack of hookup experience or you live in a fairy tale. If you live in a fairy tale, can you tell me something? Is the internet super fast in your mythical world? What kind of computer do you use? Why are you watching Superbad, when you could be having a conversation with an animated aardvark named Pippy? I will accept your answer in the form of an email to [email protected] but if you want to appear magically in my dreams that will also do. Back to this horrendously awkward moment in cinema. Drunk teenagers are painful to watch even if you ARE one, but if you are stone cold sober sitting in a theater on a date, then there is nothing you can do but cringe inwardly and hope that your date is too busy doing the same thing to notice how uncomfortable you are. I suppose if you and your date are kinda new and things are still care-free and sex-filled, then you might be able to laugh it off and spend the rest of your night fucking like rabbits. I, for one, had to get drunk to forget how close to home the whole scene was. As you can guess, all that does is lead to more trysts that remind me of that scene. What a vicious cycle.-LF

2-FAST TIMES AT RIDGEMONT HIGH

Fast Times has always gotten major points for its realism (Screenwriter Cameron Crowe attended a highschool undercover). But it was Crowe’s time spent hiding in poolhouses that took the realism to a whole new level. Jennifer Jason Leigh plays Stacy Hamilton, who is a freshman girl, which means she’s a fucking idiot. Robert Romanus plays Mike Damone, an upperclassmen, and total sleazebag. Stacy is young, confused, and  bored. Mike Damone is lonely, desperate, and has a best friend who is in love with Stacy. It’s the perfect recipe for disastrous sex in a poolhouse. It’s not the duration of Damone’s prowess that makes the scene so heartbreaking. It’s his continued posturing. Damone’s a loser, which means he has to work overtime to prove how cool he is, and part of looking cool is getting the fuck out of that poolhouse as soon as possible, after he spends less than a minute taking Stacy’s virginity. The looks on their faces tell the rest of the story. He knows he’s being a dick by leaving, but he can’t risk staying. Stacy, however, probably was ready to lose her virginity, but doesn’t yet know that Damone’s behavior is dick whether it’s your first time or last time. It’s all so highschool. – RH

 

1-BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN

Are you looking for a real and passionate love scene? Are you looking for two people that are throwing caution to the wind and taking exactly what they want? Wasn’t it you that asked for two cowboys fucking each other near a mountain? This sex scene is everything a typical Hollywood sex scene has (ridiculously high amounts of passion, people that are hyper-attractive getting down with each other) but it still feels like it’s based in reality. When you have to wait and wait for the one you love, when you finally are able to attain that time with them, you go crazy. You kiss them like you want to eat their face, you instantly pin them down, you spit on your dick and start jamming it inside of them. And yes, he spits on his dick but did you know that before it was called spit, it was known as ‘cowboy lubricant’. Spit was the Jergens of the Oregon Trail and it was considered a courteous thing to use. What was I talking about? Oh, right. This scene has made a lot of people uncomfortable (fuck you Earnest Borgnine) but when prejudices are put aside, it’s not only a gigantic moment in mainstream cinema, it’s a beautifully shot love scene that mirrors real life. And is full of dick-spitting. – JRN