THE POP FILTER TOP TEN

TOP TEN ROBERT DENIRO MOVIES THAT NEED TO BE IGNORED

 

10. TAXI DRIVER

Here at Yourpopilter.com, we’re pop culture critics, not historians.  The difference is that critics consider an items importance while measuring its intrinsic value, whereas historians account for its value while evaluating its importance.  Basically, an automotive historian looks at the Ford Model T and goes on a big spiel about assembly lines and mass production – a critic should look at the Ford Model T and say “I get it, but…really?  A hand crank?”  Well Taxi Driver is one giant Ford Model T of a movie.  I get that it’s important and I get all the reasons why, but every new or innovative feature has been copied and perfected by a million other movies.  On top of that, Taxi Driver’s innovations weren’t that impressive in the first place.  So instead of being the Model T, it’s more like…some car that came way later.  First ever car with rear seat cup holders?  Cool.  Let’s hold it up on a pedestal for forever. -DT

 

9. SHARK TALE

Where do I even start with Sharks Tale?! First of all- it was marketed to be something completely different than what it was! Obviously this was Dreamworks response to Finding Nemo- but honestly- I could hardly follow the story. Most likely and probably because I don’t have ADD! We really need Dreamworks to STOP being all about their voice actors and really focus on their story line! This movie was an abomination; a mockery towards animation! Did you try and listen to Will Smith?! Mafia style story lines don’t make sense with Will Smith as their main character, even if it is animated. Robert DeNiro is obviously a very tough man with an even more stern voice, but really? Robert is one bad ass motherfucker- why would he want to lend his voice to a fish movie?! He totally sold out for Sharks Tale and it makes me sad all over. -MV

 

8. SHOWTIME

First of all, do you see DeNiro’s face in this poster? That’s the same face that  I made when I heard about this piece of shit. Next, do you see Eddie Murphy’s face? That the face I made when I looked myself in the mirror after having watched this steaming pool of cinematic vomit. Lastly, do you see that tagline? Taglines like “Light, Camera, Aggravation” only come around once, maybe twice in a lifetime. So if you like those funny faces and think that tagline is clever, you might be the stupidest person I have ever anonymously written to on the internet. If you can take one look at that poster and realize what terrible garbage this movie is, you are at least of average intelligence. Congrats. – JRN

7. GODSEND

Did they title this movie on opposite day?  Somehow Rebecca Romijn-Stamos and Greg Kinnear were also fooled into doing this piece of cinema, which came out the same year as the bastion of quality, Meet The Fockers.  Bad year, but thankfully it is over. Regardless, stay away from this movie, which poorly depicts reacreating a dead child using his DNA and sees him occasionally be possessed. It is like a poorly designed intellectual horror movie, also known as complete trash. -LF

 

6. THE SCORE

I have absolutley no recollection of what The Score is about, but since it only has two stars in my Netflix ranking database, I can only assume it was stupid, and Robert DeNiro was stupid in it. Let me see if I can remember: We start with Edward Norton, who’s all like “The Score!” To which Robert DeNiro, who is his window washer, replies “The Score?” Just then, Angela Bassett runs in to the room and is all like “I’m Angela Bassett, and The Score.” At this point, Robert DeNiro is supposed to be confused, but doesn’t really sell it. So Marlon Brando comes out of the bathroom and is all like “The Score.” Everyone in the room agrees. Great movie. -RH

 

5. MEET THE PARENTS

The concept was simple and had the opportunity to be intersting- a male nurse goes home to meet his girlfriends parents for the first time. There is always comedic value in that. No matter who you are, it is a  terrifying experience and no one wants to do it- but everyone will be tuning in to watch how horrifically awkward it will be! Oh Robert Deniro- why were you such a crazy motherfucker in this movie?! Ben Stiller was constantly getting slammed in the dick with bad misfortune, and you got to play an even bigger asshole to him.  The main reason why this movie isn’t worth a single time of times is because the content is not memorable what-so-ever. I had to IMDB the movie to remind myself of who was even IN the film! Ben Stillers fiancé wasn’t even cute! It baffles my mind that there were sequels made to this movie.- -MV

 

4. LITTLE FOCKERS

I’m not against sequels.  In fact, I’m totally for them as long as they’re done well.  The problem is that most of them just aren’t.  That’s because of the way Hollywood tends to go about it.  It’s like they baked a batch of cookies.  All the cookies sold so they go back and look at the batter.  There’s not as much left, but if they scrape it off the sides and maybe mix in a little water they can get another batch out of it.  Then those cookies sell, and they repeat until all they’re selling is cookie flavored water.  That’s what Little Fockers is – movie flavored water.  Meet the Parents wasn’t exactly clamoring for sequels in the first place.  I actually think it’s a perfectly acceptable movie but it’s not like it left a lot of strings untied.  If you think people are clamoring for more, just give them more Ben Stiller.  Put him in a different role with a different cast and keep it fresh.  Realistically, how many times can De Niro not trust him at first but then trust him at the end?  The answer isn’t three, buddy. -DT

 

3. ANALYZE THAT

After the success of the odd-couple Analyze This with Billy Crystal, someone decided that if they could just get Bob and Billy back in front of the camera, they would make money, whether or not they actually wrote a script worth making.  Turns out they were wrong.  The movie cost $60M and only generated $55M at the box office. I mean, people love gangster movies, but this one clearly was capitalizing on the popularity of The Sopranos, but trying to add jokes and remove any semblance of reality or grittiness.  It is campy, with West Side Story showtunes to boot.  Awful. -LF

 

2. THE ADVENTURES OF ROCKY AND BULLWINKLE

It’s hard to know exactly why DeNiro would appear in this movie, but it’s even harder to know why he, towards the end of this movie (I saw this shit in theaters, asshole) he does an impression of people doing an impression of him in Taxi Driver. It’s David Brent-level awkward to sit in a theater – yes, theater – and watch this once great actor stand there and futz around like a jellyfish that just grew legs. Was the impression written into the script? If so, was the amazing, pop culture skewering satire what convinced him to sign on? Or did he improvise it, because he, up to this point, was known as a comedic genius whose decisions and instincts on the set should always be trusted? Either way, it takes a lot to be responsible for the low point in a movie called The Adventures of Rocky and Bullwinkle. On a side note, how is Brendan Fraser not in this movie. – RH

 

1. MEET THE FOCKERS

Well, you knew it would come to this. As this list would have you believe, Robert DeNiro has made some terrible fucking garbage in his day. This movie, however, takes the urinal cake. Not only is DeNiro clearly phoning it in, but this movie proves that once you get old in Hollywood, you should probably just get ready to relinquish any control you had on your career and be prepared to play young actor’s parents. DeNiro is terrible but holy shit, please stop making me watch awesome actors like Dustin Hoffman and Blythe Danner throw their careers away for a couple of ducats and zero laughs. And while DeNiro was certainly one of the first “great” actors of modern times to sell out this hard, I don’t completely blame Robert DeNiro for this unfortunate trend. I do, however,  blame Orson Welles. If he didn’t fucking love Bird’s Eyes Peas so goddamn much, we may have been able to avoid this whole selling out mess in the first place. So, on behalf of everyone that has ever had to see their idol completely sell out, fuck you Orson Welles. Fuck you. – JRN