Bottom Feeders: Halloween Special

Today is a special bonus edition of Bottom Feeders.  Because it’s Halloween I’m going to review my second ever thriller and also because it’s halloween I have posted below a video of the song ‘The Monster Mash’ set to a bunch of clips from old horror movies.

There.  That’s about all the Halloween you’re getting out of me.  I celebrated All Hallow’s Eve early this year by going to a party wearing no costume and having so much fun I had to throw some back up the next morning.  The Wicker Man has about as much to do with Halloween as that night did, but it is a terrible movie.  When it comes down to it, isn’t that sort of what Bottom Feeders is all about?

Now, just to clarify I will be reviewing Wicker Man the thriller, not Wicker Man the comedy.  The difference is that one of those is a real thing and the other is something hipsters made up in IMDB reviews.  I’m not saying bad things can’t be funny, but you still need to recognize them as bad.  This ‘best comedy ever made’ bullshit won’t fly here.  If your movie is terrible as one thing you don’t get to pretend it’s just something else, guy who made The Room.  The distinction is important because even though Wicker Man can be hilarious, it’s not ‘bagood.’  It just happens to have Nic Cage in it.  Anything Nic Cage does is awesome because he’s insane, but sticking him in a movie that’s otherwise just boring and sexist doesn’t make it bagood.  It just means Nic Cage will be insane while punching women, possibly while also dressed as a bear.

I’m completely for how hilarious that is, but in the context of the film it’s way more disturbing than that five second clip would lead you to believe.  The problem is that the whole movie is just about what a bunch of crazy bitches these beekeepers are and when Cage starts going apeshit on them it’s done with the same tone and feel of that scene in a zombie movie where they’ve finally had enough and give the zombies what they deserve by going on a rampage.  That’s why Wicker Man isn’t good.  Bagood movies are pure of heart.  When Ice T shoots that dolphin full of heroin in Johnny Mnemonic he’s not doing it to finally stick it to those dolphin bastards, he’s doing it because why the fuck not?

Not that sexism is my only problem with this movie.  It also has a rape twist.  Rape twists are those ones that are inserted into a plot so viciously and forcefully that every time it happens a hundred little Roethlisbergers get their wings.  If you’re telling me a shitty joke at least finish that joke.  The punchline to ‘So a priest walks into a bar’ isn’t ‘just kidding, he’s a rabbi.’  and the end to ‘man trying to find his daughter’ isn’t ‘it’s actually part of a complicated process where an isolated island sends women out into the world to attract men who impregnate them and then they disappear so they can lure them back years later and sent on a long, complicated goose chase to find their daughter only to be burned alive, thus ensuring bee fertility.’

There’s one little bit of Wicker Man that I do really enjoy though – Nic Cage’s magic suit.  He wears the same suit almost the entire movie, which lasts several days.  Several times he pulls his jacket off and dives into water, but re-emerges completely dry and suddenly wearing the jacket again.  Not only that, but the suit is somehow cleaner.  It gets randomly clean and dirty throughout the movie, suggesting it has some sort of magical self-cleaning ability.  I don’t know what’s causing it, but it’s way more intriguing than anything else going on.  And therein lies the problem – Wicker Man is just boring.  It’s not as hilarious as some people would lead you to believe and you can extract all the funniness just by watching youtube clips.  I’ve actually already done that for you, but as usual I’ve saved the best for last.  Happy Halloween!

What you should watch instead: Probably the original Wicker Man.

 

Am I right or am I right?  Email all opinions, in the form of a yes or no answer, to [email protected] and explain yourself before you cause pain to yourself.  Or, follow me on Twitter @Dan_Tompkins.  You can shout at me there and as a bonus, I will amuse you.