SUCK MY DISC

 

BUCK

(NEW TO BLU-RAY)

*** (out of ****)

Buck is a documentary about a real life horse whisperer. The book The Horse Whisperer is based partly on him, and he was on-hand during the filming of the movie, just in case any of the horses needed some whisperin’ done. The movie is pretty good. You already know that, because you saw my star rating. We’ll get into more detail about why it was good, but we’ll do that later. For now, there’s something about this whole thing that’s bugging me.

Buck is getting this write-up because it debuts on Blu Ray today. I, however, watched it a few weeks ago on Netflix Watch Instantly. Although this is not the most common order of things, it’s not crazy, and we need to adapt to the fact that the ways and orders we get our entertainment is not the same as it used to be. This ain’t your daddy’s home video release date schedule. So it’s weird, but not what’s bothering me. Let’s say I watched Buck a few weeks ago on Netflix, something I have already said. And let’s say I liked it, something else I’ve already said. Then I go to my favorite website, yourpopfilter.com, and, thanks to a hilariously titled article called “Suck My Disc”, I see that it is coming out today on Blu Ray (I feel like this is the second time I’m writing this review). I liked the movie, so I jump out of my jerk-off throne and run to my car, trying to get to anywhere fine DVDs are sold and purchase my copy. And then I think “Wait. Why would I do that? It’s just a fucking documentary.”

I am not one of those documentary-haters that are sweeping the nation. Far from it, in fact. I think that a documentary is just a lesser version of my two favorite things combined: movies and reality TV. I wouldn’t hate shitty steak on top of a shitty pizza, would I? Of course not. But, when I go to wherever I buy/illegally download DVDs, Buck is not even going to cross my mind, because who the fuck buys documentaries?

 

Buck had to release a Blu Ray. It’s what you do if you’re a movie. You don’t have a choice. But did anyone at Buck, Inc. ever stop for a second and think “Maybe we shouldn’t release this, because literally no one will buy it.” Probably not, because the executives at Buck, Inc. are pretty full of themselves.

At press time, I was not able to get through all of the special features on the Buck Blu Ray, which include an audio commentary, deleted scenes, and a trailer, roughly the same special features that came out on a DVD released in 1995. There aren’t even subtitles, so apparently the fine people at Buck, Inc. think deaf people can go fuck themselves. It wouldn’t appear that Buck and his crew thought that this Blu Ray must be released so these special features could make it to the public. It’s equally as hard to believe that even the most ardent fan of the movie would see this list of special features and never stop, Terminator style, until the movie was in their hands. This means that Buck, Inc. is hoping that the movie itself stands alone. And maybe it does. Let’s see!

 

Buck is the story of Buck Branneman, an honest-to-God modern day cowboy. What does your average cowboy do you ask? Who fucking knows? I know what Buck does, though. Buck tells asshole horses to sit the fuck down and shut the fuck up. He’s pretty good at it, and all he uses is a little flag on a stick, and his sweet, sweet voice. Buck travels the west, essentially holding these rodeos/seminars, teaching people how to whisper to their horses, just like he does. Sometimes, you can even bring your horse, and Buck will whisper that shit for you. Good old Buck.

Through interviews with Buck, and his friends and family, we get to know the horse behind the whisper. He’s gregarious but tough, fun but focused. He’s proud of what he does. It’s important to him, and he still can’t believe that this is what he does for a living, which most of us can’t really believe either. Let’s run through the documentary checklist:

 

-See him at work? Check

-Get to know him? Check

-Have him meet his match, in a brain dead asshole of a horse who Buck determines as untrainable? Check

-Find out that he barely made it out of a crazy abusive childhood? Check.

 

What?

 

That’s right, because no protagonist, of a true story or not, would be complete without a childhood that was all sorts of fucked up. Man, if you thought Buck’s dad sucked when his mom was alive, just wait until you see what happens when Buck’s mom dies, and dad replaces all of those love-making sessions with the mom with love making sessions with Buck, only the penis in this case is Buck’s dad’s hands, and the vagina is Buck’s face. And Buck’s dad made love to Buck all night, every night. You see, Buck’s dad was a stage dad, a sort of Average Joe Jackson, who put Buck and his brothers on TV in glittery cowboy costumes and made them do rope tricks, to the delight of idiots of the 1950’s everywhere. When Buck and his brothers messed up those tricks, or did them perfectly, or didn’t do any tricks at all because they weren’t on TV that day, Buck’s dad would kick the shit out of them. Eventually Buck made it out of there, and was found by a real cowboy, who taught Buck how to be a real cowboy. Yay.

What Buck can do is impressive, but a documentary like this relies heavily on its star. Buck seems like he would get old if you had to hang out with him all of the time, but you don’t. You have to hang out with him for selected moments over the span of a year or so. And that’s the perfect amount of time. So now, you haven’t even seen Buck yet, but you know all of that information. You going to go out and buy it? That’s what I thought.

 

REASONS FOR BUYING A MOVIE

 

1. You’re a crazy person, who buys movies blind.

 

I will never understand you, blind buyer, unless you’re a millionaire, and throw movies away as soon as you watch them. You have balls to be so cavalier about your purchases, but even you wouldn’t blind buy a documentary.

2. It’s a favorite (which doesn’t necessarily mean good) movie

 

The fact that the only way you can get a boner these days is if you’re watching French New Wave doesn’t mean that you’re so artsy-fartsy you don’t also own Billy Madison, and watch it a lot. Don’t worry, I’m not judging you. It’s comfort food. You know every line. You skip around when you put it on and watch the scene that you’re in the mood for. Totally understand. What kind of person would do that with a movie like Buck? “Oh, man. I had a rough day. I’m going to throw in this documentary and watch the scene where Buck looks proudly at his daughter and says that Bucky line in that Bucky way.” I don’t think so.

 

3. It’s a great movie, and every time you watch it you learn something new.

 

You bought 2001 two years ago, and it’s still in the cellophane because who ever wants to watch 2001 again? You do, it’s just that the mood hasn’t struck yet. But it will. You’ll put it on in the background while you’re writing a paper, and all of a sudden you realize you’ve written ten words over the last two hours, because you’ve been sucked in to the movie, watching it from an angle you never have before. Money well spent. When it comes to documentaries, this is the hardest this is the hardest reason of all to weigh. I believe documentaries are art, and that they can be judged up against fictional films, an opinion that not many people share. There’s an art to finding/getting/sometimes even staging the footage that you need. There’s an art to the editing. It’s still the director’s job to tell a story, even if that story is true. But after the first viewing, what else is left? I’m not asking this rhetorically, or even in a leading manner. This is something that I’ve been thinking about all week. I’m not a documentary connoisseur by any stretch of the imagination, but I’ve seen many of the major ones over the last decade, especially as they started to become more and more buzzed about as a genre. I find Al Gore endlessly entertaining and could listen to him all day. Same with Robert McNamara. You might not like it when he uses the word “documentary”, but that doesn’t change the fact that Michael Moore is an incredibly engaging filmmaker. I was thoroughly enveloped in the lives of Arnold Friedman , William Gates, and Arthur Agee, and couldn’t wait to see what happened to them. Thanks to their documentaries, Wil Short and Harry Altman appeared to be so weird and fresh they might as well have been fictional; the fact that they weren’t made me root for them that much harder. But I’ve seen their stories. I know them now. And I would love to get updates on all of them, but I don’t feel the need to revisit them, the way I do a Michael Corleone, or even a Happy Gilmore.

4. You take it upon yourself to loan the movie to everyone you know, spreading the wealth and knowledge, and thereby somehow getting some of the credit for it being so good.

 

I did this a decade ago with Wet Hot American Summer, and for that reason, it will always be my movie more than anyone elses. You really want to do that with Buck, godspeed.

 

There’s a documentary that I have seen multiple times, on purpose, and will probably watch again soon, called Man on Wire. This is the exception to the rule I’m trying to prove, but I bring it up because I want to see if it can actually help prove it. Does Man on Wire tread the line between documentary and traditional narrative film so closely (almost like on a tightrope) that it then becomes rewatchable? Is that the reason it’s rewatchable? Or is it simply the best of the best –  it’s rewatchable because it’s brilliant, and the other docs I’ve seen fall just short. I’m going to figure this out, but if you already have, let me know.

 

 

ALSO RELEASED:

APOLLO 18

FINAL DESTINATION 5

 

ALSO NEW TO BLU RAY:

NINE MONTHS

The movie that you bought your Blu Ray player for is finally here: NINE MONTHS!!! A movie that I totally forgot existed until I started writing this, Nine Months is the perfect example of one of those movies you saw in the theater on a Saturday afternoon, and laughed a little bit becasuse all of the middle aged ladies sitting around you were also laughing. It’s that kind of comedy, the kind that isn’t harmful or insulting, but is only funny if you are surrounded by equally braindead people not willing to work for their laughs. This also means that when you pop it in your player, after you waited in line all night to secure the first copy from Suncoast, you may not find it as funny as you once remembered. Keep the shrinkwrap on and give it to your aunt for Hannakuh.

 

NEW TO TVD:

ARCHER: THE COMPLETE SEASON TWO

I stayed away from Archer when it first premiered; it looked like TBS was trying to create its own Adult Swim, and I don’t really want anymore Adult Swim from Cartoon Network, much less TBS. And I wasn’t totally off. The first handful of episodes of Archer were decent, but unnecessary. I was getting what Archer was giving me from other, better sources. Since then, however, Archer has become less of a wacky spy parody, and more…well, Archer. The “first half of the first season will be crap” theory has to be used for basic cable cartoon shows as well as network comedies, and Archer  is no exception. Towards the end of the first season it started to become a layered, complex satire with its own universe, and with the second season, out on Blu Ray today, it became great. Don’t skip the first season, but if it doesn’t totally hook you right away, make sure you at least get to the start of season 2.

SHAMELESS: THE COMPLETE FIRST SEASON

I skipped Shameless when it premiered on Showtime last year. I’m not exactly sure why. A pay-cable dramedy about a dysdrunktional family sounds right up my alley. Maybe I just felt burnt out by Showtime’s schtick. An episode of Weeds is painful to get through at this point, but the fact that I watched every one from this last season, and will watch everyone from next season, made me hesitant to jump into another show. This one didn’t get Homeland level praise, but it also didn’t recieve The Big C level apathy, so now that I can blow through it in one hungover-fueled afternoon, I’ll give it a whirl. Stay tuned for a follow-up review, which I know you’re impatiently on the edge of your seat waiting for.