And the Award Goes To….
Well, my friends, the time has come once again for us to glue ourselves to the couch and buckle up for another whirlwind roller coaster of prime-time shows where rich people we don’t know tell us what programs, films, music videos, and albums are worthwhile and which ones we can all safely ignore.
I’m speaking, of course, about the annual award shows and the “the industry’s†insistence on their importance. Every year there seem to be more award shows than the last, despite that I’m pretty sure there are now more awards shows than the number of identified stars in the known universe. There’s so many shows that if you work in Hollywood, sooner or later you’re bound to win something – just like the chubby short kid on the local Little League team who can’t throw or catch but still gets an award for “participating†because, as we all know, even mediocrity must in some way be recognized, lest someone somewhere feel bad about their talent (or lack thereof).
In fact, the award shows themselves have become a topic of critique, with media, late-night talk show hosts and celebrities all being sure to weigh in on which host did a good job, who got snubbed, which award show ran way too long, and who had the most hideous outfit on the red carpet.
Ricky Gervais learned the hard way that if you're a comedian, you can never make a joke at an awards show. Because everyone is a humorless cunt.
In the spirit of spewing forth moderately-informed and clearly biased opinions, I have decided to create my own awards, which I am handing out as I see fit to the various award shows themselves. That’s right – I’m giving the award shows a little taste of their own medicine because I’m such a fucking rebel. As always, there can only be one winner, and the real honor is just being nominated. Here we go!
Category: Most Pretentiously-Named Awards Show
Nominees: Screen Actors Guild Awards, Independent Spirit Awards, The Academy Awards
Winner: The Independent Spirit Awards.
We're independent and special! Just like everyone else.
There’s something charmingly ironic about an award show calling themselves “Independent†anything, especially when they are doing exactly what many other shows before them have done long before them. It also doesn’t help that the award show name itself has a certain hippie quality, designed to make its winners feel like they are, in fact, special. They aren’t. So congratulations.
Category: Most Irrelevant Awards Show
Nominees: Critics Choice Awards, Director Guild Awards, Producers Guild of America Awards
Winner: Producers Guild of America Awards
Who cares what producers think? To my shock and horror, lots of people.
To be honest, I never even heard of this award show, which made it the front-runner long before any votes were officially cast in this category. So it should be no surprise to see that this show won in this category. For one thing, few things strike me as more boring than a bunch of producers all getting dressed up to tell the world what they think is important. Never mind the fact that the majority of audiences don’t really know or care what a producer does. Also contributing to its irrelevance is the fact that I have never once heard anyone in Hollywood be introduced as a “Producers Guild of America award-winner.†God willing, I never will.
Category: Most Self-Congratulatory Awards Show
Nominees: The Academy Awards, Screen Actor’s Guild Awards, Writer’s Guild Awards
Winner: Screen Actor’s Guild Awards
The original name ("The Circle Jerk Awards") didn't test well with focus groups, so they went with something less obvious.
There’s a certain amount of arrogance involved in creating an awards show that’s put on by the actors, for the actors. It’s almost like they all got together and said “Hey, nobody’s blown smoke up our collective asses for a few weeks now, let’s give ourselves some awards to protect our fragile egos.†Also, SAG membership is seen as a somewhat elitist quality to have in Hollywood, as you can only become a member after having actually made some money as an actor, and I don’t think porn counts (I checked). So congratulations, SAGs. You’re truly in a class by yourself.
Category: The “Hey, We Matter Too!†Award
Nominees: The Tony Awards, Country Music Awards, Sundance Film Festival
Winner: The Tony Awards
In a close race, the Tony Awards barely beat out the CMAs for the ultimate "What about us?" bragging rights.
Another very close call because it is almost impossible to decide whether Broadway shows or country music is more universally hated and/or ignored. But I have to go with the Tony Awards, mostly because I haven’t been to a play or opera in at least ten years, and I can safely predict that I won’t attend one any time soon. Does that mean that my own personal bias is affecting the winner of this award? Duh. While country music is also outside my regular music consumption, I am at least aware of the genre and occasionally someone like Lady Gaga will write a song with some obvious country influences, just without all the pro-America ra-ra drum beating that makes people who drive trucks feel good about themselves.
As always, I’m sure the announcement of the winners (and losers) have already stirred a lot of heated debates among YPF readers and contributors alike. You’re welcome.
-Bill Henry