I JUST WANT MY PANTS BACK

MTV, Thursdays at 11:00

**1/2 (out of ****)

On paper, I Just Want My Pants Back seems confusing and shitty. Confusing, because it’s a scripted show on MTV, something I thought they long ago stopped even thinking about. Shitty, because it’s a scripted show on MTV. And most of the reasons it is shitty might be just because of that. It’s interesting to think about the show this would have been on Comedy Central or FX. But it’s not, so I won’t. I’ll just deal with what we got, which isn’t great, but probably a little better than it has any right to be.

Pants, since I am into that whole brevity thing, is about young twenty-somethings in New York. Before you get pissed off, because it seems like the last thing we need is another one of those shows, relax – and wait to find out what you should get pissed off about. The show takes a more realistic, or at least dirtier, look at what it’s like to be this age. These kids aren’t doing well. Who knows what their future holds for them, but for right now, their jobs suck, their apartments suck, and they spend all of their money on booze. This isn’t played for laughs. It’s just the world they live in, and that part is kind of refreshing, whether they meant it to be or not. The part that they clearly meant to be refreshing turns out to be, much like poo flavored Certs, the least refreshing thing ever.

All of these kids – ALL OF THEM – find themselves to be quick-witted, prescient, and hilarious. They prove this not by talking to each other, but by aggressively quipping at each other at a constant rate. One of these characters in a show, just like in a group of your real friends, can sometimes be a little too much to take. But all of these fuckheads can’t stop. Why say something a real person would say, when you can say it faster, in a cutesy way that would make Diablo Cody want to puke? It’s hard to tell if it’s more annoying because of how relentless it is, or because you can just imagine how smugly proud everyone involved with the show is with the dialogue.

Often times, shows can figure out the problems with their pilots and, over time, smooth out the rough edges. Will Pants figure this one out? Hard to say. Oh wait – no it’s not. There’s not a chance in hell. Is MTV to blame for this? Is there such a thing as MTV-style dialogue, much like the infamous MTV-style editing? Who knows? Who cares? Give Pants a shot, and if this dialogue thing doesn’t bug you, then you might have a new show that makes it to the Tolerable List. Congrats. – RH