Bottom Feeders: Plants are Assholes.

Today on Bottom Feeders I’m going to take on what is a very sensitive subject for me: the works of M. Night Shyamalan.  I’m going to be reviewing one of his less popular movies and in light of that I feel it’s only fair that I warn you: M. Night Shyamalan and I are soul mates.  I still loved him long after most people had stopped even liking him and there really isn’t a movie of his that I’ve completely hated.  I was born with an almost magical ability to see the good in his movies and ignore the bad.  If he pissed in my face, I would open my mouth and then tell him how thirsty I was.

Anything I say about The Happening in this article needs to be viewed in that light and I apologize for not hating him as thoroughly and for the same reasons as everyone else.  Now, on to the actually movie.  Like I said, I’ve never seen a movie of his that I hated but this is definitely the closest I’ve come.  I felt like I was visiting an old relative with Alzheimer’s.  They are obviously not the same person they used to be.  Occasionally you catch a quick glimpse that reminds you of who they were and it really only makes you that much sadder.  I know that’s a tasteless metaphor, but as we’ve as established this is not a healthy relationship we’re talking about.  Every time I was introduced to a character that I instantly understood and liked, right afterwards Mark Wahlberg talked to a plant or Zooey Deschanel asked him why he wants her to close all the doors and windows.  Really, bitch?  Where the fuck have you been this whole time?

Let’s tackle the most difficult thing first: the ridiculous premise.  This movie will probably go down in history as “that one where plants attacked us,” and it deserves it.  It’s an idea that no matter how well you develop, the best you can hope for is that it doesn’t get in the way.  It might have worked if he hadn’t made it so fucking definite.  To me, there could’ve been an underlying psychological edge to this movie where you’re basically watching a bunch of people who know they’re going to die trying desperately to rationalize it.  After running out of ideas it gets inside their head that maybe the Earth itself wants them dead.  Every gust of wind, a small slit in the roof of a Jeep, every sign of nature period becomes another harsh reminder that they are probably going to die without ever knowing what happened.

Wait, never mind, it totally was the plants, without a doubt.  The characters aren’t slowly losing their sanity facing a desperate situation, their director/producer/screenwriter is.  After The Day After Tomorrow and the Day the Earth stood still, it’s pretty well understood that we will soon be punished for our sins against nature and that we’ll refer to it as ‘The Day Something Something.’  It’s well travelled ground at this point.  We don’t need to see 10 minutes of fake news footage talking about how mad we made the plants just because you’re smug about recycling.  Annoyingly preachy subtext aside, It’s also impossible to have a movie where the enemy is Mother Nature climax with any sort of excitement.  He does his best to give it that, but what it all boils down to is “oh, I guess it’s over now…or something.”

Another huge beef people have with this movie is the acting.  As much as I would like to, there’s not much I can do to defend this one.  Whatever else you can say about his movies up to this point, they were always well-acted.  Not so anymore.  I will say that when people complain that there was no chemistry between Wahlberg and Deschanel, they’re kind of missing the point.  Part of both of their characters is that they’re having problems in their marriage.  Couples that are having serious problems tend not to have great chemistry, hence the problems.  But yeah, no clue why Wahlberg is using that whiney voice the whole time, or why Leguizamo is copying it.  Any scene they shared sounded like a competition to see who could sound the most like sad-face Cartman.

You can already tell I don’t think this is the worst movie ever, although so far it wins the prize for causing me the most unintentional sadness.  It’s the movie that I’ve least hated but that I’ve wanted the most not to and on top of that, it only gets worse from here.  I don’t know why M. Night still scripts everything he directs because he’s really not that great of a screenwriter.  He is an absolutely amazing director but he desperately needs a bad idea filter.

For anyone that cannot believe I would even try and defend him or that I haven’t hated even a single one of his movies, there’s still hope.  I have not yet seen The Last Airbender.  I am almost guaranteed to hate it and you can come back to yourpopfilter.com two Mondays from now and find out, because it’s up next on the chopping block.  If you’re lucky, you can read me contradicting everything I just wrote.

 

What you should watch instead: Signs, you arrogant prick.  Their weakness isn’t water, it’s something contaminating the water.  That’s why the daughter keeps complaining about it.  Even if it was just water, maybe they only attacked us as a last resort.  Maybe that’s why they did it all sneaky and quiet-like instead of just blowing up our capital Independence Day-style, asshole.  It’s a good movie.  You know it is.  Stop saying you hated all his movies since Sixth Sense.  You liked them three years ago, you’re only saying you hate them now because everyone else is.

 

Am I an idiot?  Have a better suggestion for a terrible movie?  Hit me up at [email protected] and explain yourself before you cause pain to yourself.  Or, follow me on Twitter @Dan_Tompkins.  You can shout at me there and as a bonus, I will amuse you.