The Thirst Games

Steel Magnolias

Ahhh it’s good to be back. After a long hiatus in which I went on three different get-away weekends, I have returned to my most important service to the public: The Thirst Games. This one is for the ladies! This week we are playing against Steel Magnolias. Let me preface this by saying that I do not particularly like chick flicks. I’d like to think I judge female oriented pop-culture by the same rigorous standards as anything else (despite what my article on Hot in Cleveland would suggest.) Steel Magnolias was originally released in 1989 and stars Sally Field, Julia Roberts, Shirley MacClaine, Dolly Parton and Daryl Hannah and was actually remade in 2012 with Queen Latifah and an all black cast with essentially the same script, allowing for a few changes for cultural differences and outdated references.

Here’s the deal: chick flicks are bad. Real, real bad. And it isn’t enough that they are generic, crappy storylines with poorly written characters and predictable endings, they actually have a detrimental effect on the women who enjoy them. Google Manic Pixie Dream Girl, sometime. Studies indicate that women who regularly watch Romanic movies enter into relationships with unrealistic expectations about their partners, and are regularly disappointed when the relationship inevitable fails to meet the fairy tale standards they have set up. I use to work with this lady, let’s call her Smarah. Smarah has never had a boyfriend, and if I had to make an educated guess, I would say she is in her early-to-mid-30s. Smarah had explained to me numerous times that she has never had a boyfriend because she is waiting for Noah from the Notebook to come and build her a house. This is an expectation on par with a little girl answering, “Fairy-Princess” when asked what she wants to be when she grows up. No matter how I tried to explain to Smarah that Noah is a fictional character, that the Notebook is a mushy pile of bullshit, she simple tossed her chin up and replied, “I’m waiting for a man who deserves me.”

Life After Happily Ever After

She is a part of a troupe of women who has been brainwashed by these idiot movies that scoff at the reality of human relationships, promise there is a tailor made Prince Charming is out there who will love you for the rest of your life, and all your problems will simply melt away as he takes you home to his castle. These movies are lies, and actually cheapen what love really is. Love is weird. Love is complicated. A relationship between two people is marked with just as much tension as tenderness, and that is what makes them so meaningful. That’s why Steel Magnolias is a different kind of chick flick. At the heart of the movie is the complex relationship between Sally Field and Julia Roberts as mother and daughter. Men take a back seat entirely, and spend what little screen time they have portrayed as juvenile buffoons. Chicks have rather complicated relationships with their moms, but beneath the bickering and the nagging there is a connection that goes down to the bone. This movie really gets to the heart of that relationship. It’s also a very strong cast, I swear if Dolly Parton recorded the entire works of Tom Clancey on audiobook, I would to listen to it, I love to hear that woman talk.

Went to the Plastic Surgeon and said, “Give me the Mud Monster”

And fun fact: the band Weezer got their name from a character played by Shirley MacClaine, Ouiser. I will warn you if you haven’t seen it, without spoilers, you are going to fucking cry like you’ve never fucking cried before. So if you like to mix a little alcohol with your emotional meltdowns, and let’s face it, we all do, here are your rules:

• Every time a man is onscreen acting childish or ridiculous, take a drink.
• Every time Anelle has a makeover, take a drink
• When Shelby’s diabetes is referenced, take a drink.
• When you hear the word, “momma” take a drink
• When Ouiser says something bitchy, take a drink (This one is subjective, so nominate a judge to point out when you should drink for this rule, but a good indication is when she has a line)
• Everytime Shelby and her mother argue, take a drink
• When you cry, finish your drink. The salt of your tears only adds flavor.

So there you go! I recommend playing this one with you mom!