Bottom Feeders: Norbit

There was a time when Eddie Murphy was a legitimately funny actor…I think.  Honestly, I haven’t seen a lot of his ‘classic’ movies.  Maybe that’s sad in a way, like someone whose closest experience to Led Zeppelin was hearing “Radioactive,” or maybe I’ve dodged a bullet.  My point is that The Firm was a really shitty band.  Wait, no.  Eddie Murphy.  He’s shitty.

Maybe he was good at some point.  I really don’t care, because he’s certainly not anymore.  Eddie Murphy makes two kinds of movies: bullshit popcorn kids’ movies and regular bullshit movies.  I could pretty much just tear through his entire body of work (and maybe someday I will) but I decided to pick one movie I thought really captured what a giant lacerated asshole he is and focus on that.  I chose Norbit because it’s Murphy at his worst in every sense.  He helped with the script and production so his portion of the blame is increased and he plays three separate roles, each one perfectly highlighting a different way in which he blows.

The first up is Norbit, the titular character, because he’s easiest.  This is just general douche-baggery on Murphy’s part.  In a romantic comedy, or really almost any goddamn movie, it’s generally understood that the main character is supposed to be likable.  He doesn’t have to be a good person, but he should have a certain amount of charisma.  Eddie Murphy with a fake afro and a lisp doesn’t qualify.  While that sucks, it’s not really offensive…which brings us to Rasputia.  Now, for someone who was caught picking up a transvestite prostitute, Eddie Murphy has always spent a suspicious amount of time making fun of fat people.  Just the thought of them even trying to live in his skinny person world is clearly both offensive and hilarious to him.  Rasputia is a terrible fucking character – and she’s supposed to be – but make no mistake: she is not a terrible person who happens to be fat, she’s a terrible person because she’s fat.  This is demonstrated when Norbit catches her cheating on him and her response is to chase him down and tell him to bring her some ribs.  Because she’s fat.  Get it?  If only she got skinny, Eddie Murphy would be married to a woman who looks just like him and has a dick. That’d be his happy ending right there.

Of course everyone knows Eddie Murphy hates fat people.  If that were all he did to annoy us it might not be that bad.  But, no…he really had to go the extra mile and portray a third character, Mr. Wong, and dabble in a little bit of old fashioned racism.  Now, I’m not an overly sensitive person.  Chris Lilley is one of my favorite actors and he’s portrayed several characters who on the surface are much more offensive.  The difference is that Chris Lilley is always trying to make a point.  Eddie Murphy just thinks it’s awesome.  Mr. Wong is a collage of asian stereotypes, some of which are real and others that only exist in Murphy’s twisted head.  For instance, he apparently thinks Asians are obsessed with whales.  It’s pointless racism with absolutely no redeeming qualities.  There is no art or purpose behind it.  To Eddie Murphy art is just another word that rhymes with fart.  Again, I don’t want to sound too sensitive.  My problem is that while I’m sure Eddie Murphy thinks it’s a hoot to yellow himself up and start slurring his L’s, he probably wouldn’t be too keen on me showing up on TV looking like this:

If he is, he’s a lot more chill than I thought.  If he isn’t he probably shouldn’t do the same thing but with different colors.  As annoying as intolerance and hypocrisy are they will never be as grating as being terrible at what you do.  Norbit is the worst comedy I have seen in a long time.  It’s Pat sucked too, but at least it let me suffer through it quietly.  Norbit is filled to the bursting point with the stupidest, lowest common denominator humor possible and after every gag the movie kindly informs us that “THAT WAS A JOKE, HERE IS ANOTHER JOKE ABOUT THE SAME THING.”  Brevity is the soul of wit, Norbit.  That’s a phrase I coined that means hurry the fuck up.  If you use quick humor I might laugh even if it’s stupid.  That’s because I’m kind of stupid and if you’re fast you can catch me off guard.  When you drag it out and say it again ten different ways you fuck it up because you’re giving me time to think.  Then it stops being funny that the fat person can’t fit in/through that thing.

If I had to boil this movie down to one single problem, taking too long would definitely be it.  Everything in this movie drags on forever.  The jokes are too long, but so are the scenes they’re in.  And so is the movie those  scenes are in.  it’s a matryoshka doll of time-wasting.  In reality, Norbit is only about 100 minutes long.  They could have easily cut 30 minutes of that out and been way better off.  I’d rather see a short movie that sucked than a long movie that sucked and took its time about it.  It really does take its precious time to explain every possible detail to you.  Hell, it takes 15 fucking minutes just to set itself up.  there are 15 minutes of narration and backstory before the plot actually gets started.  Sci-fi movies don’t even need that much fucking time.  What about your shitty movie makes you think it’s so nuanced people won’t understand it unless you give a detailed history of every character?

Norbit isn’t the worst movie ever, but fuck Eddie Murphy either way.  He’s a giant douche that thinks people are stupid enough to watch any piece of shit with enough fat/fart jokes in it to keep them happy.  The worst part is that we keep proving him right by watching his movies.  Norbit was actually a financial success.  Do you realize how insane that is?  There could have been a fucking sequel.  We’re playing with fire here, people.  It’s all fun and games and “oh, that doesn’t look so bad,” but every time you watch some stupid Eddie Murphy piece of crap studios are going to pay attention until eventually we get here:

That’s going to be a sad day for America.

 

What you should watch instead: I remember Trading Places being pretty good.  Go for that, I guess.

 

Am I right or am I right?  Email all opinions, in the form of a yes or no answer, to [email protected] and explain yourself before you cause pain to yourself.  Or, follow me on Twitter @Dan_Tompkins.  You can shout at me there and as a bonus, I will amuse you.