Bottom Feeders: Jimmy Fallon was in a movie with Queen Latifah, once.

This week on Bottom Feeders, we’re back on track with reviews of actual movies.  Last time I mentioned the awesome book Writing Movies for Fun and Profit.  If you like movies, books or being entertained, go ahead and read it.  One of my favorite things about the authors is that they have no problem pointing to and even making fun of their own failures.  That obviously makes it OK for me to do the same thing.  This week I’ll be reviewing “Taxi.”  It’s one of their worst films and it’s…yeah…pretty bad.  But the writers are so good.  How is this Possible?  Let’s find out.

Jimmy Fallon plays a cop without a driver’s license, Queen Latifah plays a taxi driver who isn’t a cop.  Together, they make the perfect team, like that movie where the little smart kid sits on the big dumb kid’s shoulders.  They chase four hot bank robbers around New York in a souped up taxi cab and crack wise.  I know that seems like a terrible idea for a movie, but that’s because we’ve already seen the finished product.  As a concept it’s perfectly acceptable as a goofy, fun action movie.  A decent premise, based on the most successful French movie series of all time, written by two hilarious guys.  What went wrong?  Kind of a lot.  That’s why it’s on Bottom Feeders.

First off, Jimmy Fallon and Queen Latifah…maybe not the best actor combo.  I happen to like Jimmy Fallon, but what makes him funny is the fact that he’s just so damn goofy and charming.  About 90% of his laughs on SNL come from him giggling while a wig falls off.  Not everybody likes that, but you have to give credit to the guy for making a career out what would get most people fired.  He’s so fun and charismatic that he gets to list “can’t stay in character” as a skill on his resume.  While that can make him fun to watch, it’s not exactly the best thing for the big screen.  Even wacky, out-there action movies require serious moments.  Queen Latifah is Queen Latifah…I don’t particularly mind her, but I’m not a fan of the “sassy, spunky woman=laughs” school of comedy.  I know someone getting by on being sassy and spunky is the same as someone getting by on being goofy and charming.  With Fallon I buy it, with Latifah I don’t.  Maybe I’m a racist?  I’m also not sure she’s actual royalty.  In all honesty, I’ve seen Latifah be pretty good, usually in more dramatic roles.  So while they are both completely acceptable separately, together they’re like Toothpaste and OJ.  Fallon is OJ.  Who’s the racist now?

Why are they not good together?  Well, one’s Jimmy Fallon and the other’s Queen Latifah.  So there.  By the way, if you’ve ever seen an otherwise decent actor be terrible and wondered why, it’s usually because of someone like Tim Story.  He’s the mind behind such movies as Fantastic 4, Fantastic 5, Barber Shop and something called One of Us Tripped.  Part of a director’s job is to guide the actors’ performances.  Even if they’re experienced they usually rely on the director to tell them how a performance is playing on screen and whether or not it works.  A good director will lead, or “direct” if you will, the actors by giving them instructions (or direct-ions).  If an actor’s delivery is off, a bad director won’t notice or tell them.  Even worse, he might ruin an actor’s good performance by specifically telling him to do things only he would think are good.

Also, smiles ruin this movie.  I’ve mentioned this before, and that’s because it’s important, but Jimmy Fallon and Queen Latifah are having fun.  You can almost smell it.  If I had to guess I’d say after just about every take Story’s direction consisted of “Yeah, that’s great.  Just have fun with it.”  That’s wrong.  Do not have fun with it.  Yes, it’s a comedy, but delivery is still important and good delivery takes focus.  Not fun.  Even improv in movies is usually done by taking about 50 times the amount of shots you need and picking the best.  The lack of direction in this movie is disturbing and that sucks, because it’s actually not badly written.  Again, the premise is ridiculous.  So is the premise to Die Hard.  The difference is that one was directed and acted in a way that lent credibility to the premise and made people buy into it.  Sure, there’s a few things in Taxi that stretch even the most active imaginations, but as ‘out there’ as it is, there are actually some genuinely funny jokes buried in there.  Here are a few examples that sound funny when written but just don’t translate on film:

 

One of the first scenes of the movie is a twist on the classic undercover cop scenario.  Fallon is dressed as a ridiculous Cuban gangster about to make a transaction.  When his mark finally opens the suitcase, instead of drugs it’s calling cards.  The targeted gangster randomly selects a card and “samples” it by calling the number on his cell phone.  After he decides it’s good, Jimmy Fallon opens his suitcase.  Instead of it being neatly packed to the bursting point with crisp stacks of 20 dollar bills, there are a few crumpled wads of cash floating around in the bottom.  It’s a good deal, but the gangsters are suspicious of Fallon, who has to talk his way out of it by convincing them he’s from Havana.  His ruse is discovered when they ask him what street he’s from and the best he can come up with is “Castro Street.”  They open fire on the undercover cops and run from the apartment.  “I just can’t believe there isn’t a Castro street in Cuba!” Fallon remarks as they give chase.

 

In another scene, Fallon and Latifah visit Fallon’s mom.  After a long, awkward scene where it’s obvious Fallon is still a Momma’s boy, they finally leave.  “Well, better head home,” says Fallon.  Latifah begins to head down the hallway to leave the building, before she realizes she is alone.  She turns back to see Fallon opening the door right next to his mother’s.  That’s right, they’re next door neighbors.

 

See?  On paper, those are funny ideas.  It’s the director’s job to bring those ideas to life, and he doesn’t.  The only scene I have problems with strictly from a writing standpoint is the intro.  A helmeted biker is racing through streets, pulling impossible stunts.  At one point she jumps off a bridge onto a passing truck and then onto the street before pulling into a courier station.  “13:54! A new record!” shouts a man with a stopwatch.  The biker whips her helmet off.  It’s Queen Latifah.  Now, I don’t know what the Queen’s real life hobbies are but to me, and this might just mean I’m crazy, but I don’t picture her as the kind of person that has the dexterity and endurance to pull off complex bicycle stunts.  I also don’t know why taking her helmet off magically makes her look way fatter than she did just a moment ago while she was tearing through a crowded subway station.  I guess I’ll never understand how movie stars work.  Also, J.Lo’s “Crazy In Love” is the opening song.  I don’t know if I would have made that choice.

Taxi isn’t even close to the worst movie ever.  It’s almost enjoyable until about the 30 minute mark, which is when Fallon and Latifah have to finally interact with each other.  There are several scenes that even though they aren’t executed well at all, at least the concept behind them is funny enough to get a chuckle.  The scene where Giselle Bundschen frisks _______ may also be the single greatest ever committed to film.  It’s not enough to make it worth watching but it does upgrade it from terrible to just forgettable.  Good enough, I guess.

 

Am I right or am I right?  Email all opinions, in the form of a yes or no answer, to [email protected] and explain yourself before you cause pain to yourself.  Or, follow me on Twitter @Dan_Tompkins.  You can shout at me there and as a bonus, I will amuse you.