Celebrity Rubbernecking

Rebecca Black

At this point, everyone knows who Rebecca Black is. Her song, “Friday,” was so spectacularly irritating, it was the only thing anyone could talk about for about a week. Apparently, at Rebecca’s school, it’s still the only thing kids can talk about and, according to Rebecca, they’re not saying kind things. The young … “singer” … recently made the decision to stop attending school in favor of being home schooled in order to avoid constant bullying. Rebecca says the bullying got so bad that kids would actually sing her song to her in a nasal voice as she passed them in the hallways. She’s also stated that these ruthless bullies repeatedly ask her what day it is. Black’s mother says that, in addition to protecting her daughter from this abuse, the choice to home school her will also allow more time for Rebecca to work on her nonexistent career.

First of all, there is a colossal bullying problem in this country. But when Anne Hathaway, Dan Savage, and Tim Gunn make those commercials telling kids it gets better, mild teasing about the crap single you released isn’t exactly what they had in mind.  Secondly, if this kid really wants to be a pop star, she’s going to have to be able to put up with a lot more trash-talk than this. Britney Spears was recently sued by her former body guard for essentially being a boogery, gassy, repugnant piece of trash. People still think Lady Gaga is hiding a dick somewhere. Mocking Rebecca Black’s grating attempt at music hardly counts as bullying. Hell, it’s not even talking trash. It’s simply speaking the truth.

 

Miranda Cosgrove

If you don’t know who Miranda Cosgrove is, then you’re probably over the age of 25 and don’t spend much time around kids. This girl basically owns Nickelodeon at this point, thanks to her insanely popular sitcom, iCarly, and her family-friendly brand of tween pop music that kids can’t get enough of. Late last night, between stops on her Dancing Crazy Tour, Miranda’s tour bus was in an accident involving a tractor trailer. According to reports, the bus came up on the already overturned semi. The driver slammed on the brakes but still collided with a portion of the truck that was blocking the lane. According to Miranda, his quick thinking actually saved her life and left her with only a broken ankle. Unfortunately, she’s been forced to postpone the remainder of her tour until further notice.  In fact, of the 5 passengers riding the bus, the driver actually sustained the worst injuries.

If Miranda Cosgrove sounds like someone you never wanted to hear about before and never want to hear about again, then you’d better send her tour bus driver some flowers or a gift card to say thanks. That man saved you from being inundated with Miranda Cosgrove memorial tributes for weeks on end. And we all know those tributes would have looked like morbid, goth versions of the Kids’ Choice Awards. They may have even dropped mourning-black slime on Cosgrove’s iCarly co-stars, for all we know. In my opinion, we all owe that bus driver a debt of gratitude.

 

Alfonso Ribeiro

Carlton Banks himself was minding his own business the other day, just trying to get his hairs cut. Suddenly, two employees in his regular barber shop started arguing over which should be turned up louder — the TV or the radio. The altercation escalated quickly and turned violent. Ribeiro, in a moment of heroism, stepped in the middle of the struggle and broke things up. Once things between the brawling employees settled, the actor was still so shaken, he left the scene. He didn’t even finish his hair cut.

It seems to me that Ribeiro could have saved himself some possible physical harm and ended the scrap just as effectively if he just, out of nowhere, started singing a Tom Jones tune and doing the Carlton Dance.

 

Bubba Smith (February 28, 1945 — August 3, 2011)

Hall of Fame defensive end/tackle and Police Academy Alum Bubba Smith passed away last week. His body was discovered by his caretaker and the cause of death is still undetermined. The only snarky thing I have to say about this is that I’m genuinely disappointed that the media hasn’t mentioned this more. Smith was a legend. I may be too young to have ever seen him play football, but he’s the reason my dad saddled my chubby, ginger baby brother with the nickname Bubba. Also, it almost goes without saying that Moses Hightower will always be etched in our collective memory. — KS