Celebrity Rubbernecking

From Virgin to Frigid Bitch

Remember when this was all the world knew of Madonna? She was nothing more than a trampy blonde in a tattered wedding dress dry-humping the stage at the VMAs. In the nearly 30 decades since then, Madonna has gone through more transformations than one person rightfully should — but most of them were at least entertaining. In the last few years, Madonna has turned into something no one ever expected — the frigid bitch character from some droll novel about British high society.

I guess somewhere along the way from Detroit to a fake British accent, Madonna simply grew accustomed to being handed trifles and tokens of affection from adoring fans and now maintains an unwavering standard regarding the quality of tributes made in her honor. This is precisely what happens when you allow someone to basically steal a baby from a third world country and keep it as a pet — it causes delusions of grandeur. Not even the last 15 years of her career, laden with sub-par music and sub-sewage movies, could knock Madge down off of her high-stepping, anal-retentive horse.  Maybe her latest box office plague, W.E. — about Wallis Simpson, the woman for whom King Edward VIII abdicated his throne — will finally make Madonna realize that she should just resign herself to dinner parties  and high tea because the chances of her becoming socially relevant again in her lifetime are slim to none.

 

They’re Like the JAG of Modern “Rock”

Nickelback recently announced the release of their seventh studio album in November. There are so many things wrong with that sentence that I almost don’t know where to begin. SEVEN!? This band has been able to produce seven whole albums worth of the whiny, unexceptional excrement they refer to as music?

Is this song supposed to have some effect on me other than making me want to beat myself senseless so I won’t have to be conscious for the audial assault? Well, I suppose there is also the overwhelming urge to beat Chad Kroeger senseless in an effort to put an end to this charade once and for all. Someone is buying Nickelback albums, obviously, or else their label wouldn’t keep producing them. Yet I can’t seem to find a single person who is willing to admit to such a heinous act. It’s like that show, JAG, which used to be on CBS. I’ve never seen a single episode of that show. I don’t know anyone who has. Have you? Yet, somehow, almost as if by magic, that show ran on CBS for TEN FUCKING SEASONS.

I’m beginning to believe Chad Kroeger made a crossroads pact with the Devil and no one really is buying these albums. They’re just somehow being paid for through Beelzebub’s dark magic. If this is the case, though, then I just hate Chad Kroeger more. At least Robert Johnson asked to be a great musician in exchange for his immortal soul. Chad Kroeger obviously just asked to sell a lot of albums and be a famous rock star, completely leaving out the whole talent thing.

 

As If This Show Wasn’t Creepy Enough

Catching an episode of Toddlers & Tiaras on a Saturday afternoon is like happening by a pedophile convention at The Marriott. These little girls are given spray tans, fake teeth, and hair extensions, then painted and plastered until they look like weird, evil porcelain dolls come to life. And, if that weren’t humiliating enough, they are then forced to perform on stage like chimps. The only shadow of credit I can give to the mothers of these girls is that, while they toe a creepy and tasteless line, they never really push their daughters over said line into the land of child whores.

Until now, apparently.

First of all, this child’s parents clearly don’t love her at all if they named her PAISLEY. I mean, why not just name her Houndstooth or Chevron? The name alone almost warrants a call to Child Services. But these people didn’t stop at just saddling their innocent child with some awful bully-magnet of a name because that’s not nearly enough mental scarring for one child. Instead, they continued down a path from which they can never return — they actually dressed their child as a prostitute, complete with baby-sized fuck-me-boots. What they’ve done to this child makes what’s been done to the other little girls look like a harmless game of dress up. The worst part about all of this, though, is that this is a beauty pageant. This mother could have easily opted for the red gown and gloves Julia Roberts’ character wears to the opera. It’s probably more recognizable and definitely more glamorous. This mother actually went out of her way to make her three year old daughter look like sleazy street trash and though it was a good idea.