IRONSIDE

*1/2 (out of ****)

Blair Underwood plays Ironside, a paraplegic who decided to continue being a detective, even though he was just injured on the job. See, he used to be a loose cannon, who followed his own rules. There are only two things to do with a cop like that: fire him, so your department isn’t paying hundreds of thousands of dollars a year in lawsuits, or shoot him in the back, leaving him permanently in a wheelchair. But – and you’re never going to believe this – he is a better detective in the wheelchair then he ever was out of it. It’s an interesting angle, if for no other reason than it’s really the only angle you could take, and yet it’s still not interesting at all.

But that doesn’t matter, because the show is not about the angle (which for Ironside is a lot lower than the rest of the detectives). The show is about the gimmick. NBC needs a constant stream of procedurals, or their audience might find out that other shows exist, and that procedurals are terrible. But you can’t call your new fall shows Procedural 13, Procedural 14, and Procedural 15. Even the dumb people would see that they are all just carbon copies of each other. Instead, the writers look out their windows until they see someone who has never been portrayed as a cop in a cop show. Or you remake something old, if in fact that idea has already been taken.

Everyone in this show tries hard, including Nico Sobotka, aka Pornstash, to not seem like they are looking around for a better pilot to be in. The script refuses to give them anything to hide behind. Two of Ironside’s underlings, Sobotka and a someone probably named Officer Bland, get one scene to establish their love-hate relationship, using some of the dumbest banter I’ve ever heard. Underwood is understandably given the most to do, but it’s yet another case of having too much to do an hour. It might have been interesting if, just for the pilot, they skipped the Case-of-the-Week formula and focused on the character’s relationships. We could have at least seen some more of that wonderful back and forth. In the end, Ironside just doesn’t have legs.

-Ryan Haley