WITCHES OF EAST END

** (out of ****)

One of the hardest things about creating a pilot, much less an entire run of a show, is knowing exactly how seriously to take your shit. Take it too seriously, and we will laugh at you for your lack of self-awareness, and because you think your crap is the next coming of The Wire. If you don’t take it seriously enough, we won’t find any reason to either. It’s a really fine line to walk, and it might be the only line that Witches of East End walks correctly. But when you’re dealing with a Lifetime show about witches while nearing the end of the TV Fallocaust, how much more do you need?

Trying to avoid touching on the ten-minute-long-quicksand-pit of exposition that pops up towards the end of the episode, I’ll just say the show is about four witches. There are two older sisters, played by Julia Ormond and Madchen Amick, who are old pros, and there are Ormond’s daughters, who don’t know they’re witches. Yet. But by the end of the episode, they are just about to begin adjusting to their new lifestyle.

And away we go. We’ve got the veterans and we’ve got the rookies. We’ve got seeds planted for half a dozen soapy plotlines. There are some interesting ideas here, like the fact that all witches aren’t created equal, but are instead closer to X-Men, each with a different power set. And then there’s the reason that Ormond hasn’t told her daughters what’s up. She is immortal, but her daughter’s sort of aren’t. They die every time they hit 30 or so, only to be re-immaculately conceived at the funeral. It’s hard to imagine this gimmick adding drama to any near-death scene involving one of the daughters, but it does give Ormond something to deal with. Actually, if this show were to make it to a fifth episode, and needs that old fashioned trope of a baby boost, they could do that not by adding a character but by killing one. This is handled with the gravity you’ve come to expect from a Lifetime TV show – which isn’t a lot, but not too little either. It’s just right. Lame, but just right.

-Ryan Haley