FLICKCHART’S GREATEST BATTLES

Let’s face it – we can’t all be winners. In fact, only one of us can and it’s never you. But there’s always Not-Last Place. That’s why we learn to set our expectations low, so we can still surprise ourselves. Sure you dropped out of college but you were almost passing Spanish 101 when you quit. Not too bad for a guy with only one Hispanic parent. And just like college there can only be one winner in Hollywood and everyone else is just scrambling to not be “that guy.” George Lucas and Brett Ratner should have scrambled a little harder and now they’re fighting over the last piece of not-shitty pie.At first it seemed George Lucas would lose this hands down with his sheer fuckuppery. Sure, X-Men 3 fucked up the X-Men movies but George Lucas fucked up Star Wars. And X-Men fans can always go back to the comics, but who the fuck reads those shitty novels. Thank God his children are adopted because I would hate to see them treated the way he treats every other thing he’s created. Not to mention Jar Jar Binks…Fucking Jar Jar Binks. However, after a little more thought I realized something. George Lucas is an asshole who’s willing to destroy the greatest thing he ever created just to sell a few racist man-frog dolls, but until Episode One came out what was he known for? The real Star Wars and Indiana Jones. It’s kind of understandable that a studio would just hand someone like that the reigns and let them do whatever they wanted. The guy supposedly knew how to make movies. Meanwhile, X-3 was a movie made the normal non-psychotic way, I can only assume. There were group decisions made, changes were approved by those with experience, etc. So how did no one stop them from making a film based off a script that looked like 10 shitty scripts all bukkaked onto one more really submissive script? How did they decide that it was a good idea to have every X-man ever appear onscreen for approximately 5 seconds each?The more I thought about it the more I decided that X-3 loses this one through lack of excuses, the same way any good race for Not-Last Place is lost. If this had been Episode 2 versus X-3 this would have been a real doozie. It’s kind of hard to explain why after George Lucas shat out one of the most disappointing movies ever nobody shuttled him back to his fantasy ranch and had a real man clean up his mess. As an end note, don’t fucking bring up money or profit margins or any of that bullshit. I don’t care how financially successful these dumps were. You’re not successful in life if you’re a whore just because you make a lot of money. You’re still a dirty, filthy whore and shame on you.-DT

I walked away from both of these films in laughing hysterics convinced I had found my new favorite movie. Everyone who had seen them agreed with me… and then we watched them again. It was like watching an Everybody Loves Raymond episode; where some jokes made you giggle, but most of them just kinda made you nod and think… that punch line funnier before. Don’t you hate it when you rewatch a once thought masterpiece and realize you were wrong?

Let’s look at this debate in a totally different light. Let’s use my favorite stereotyped Asian actor, Ken Jeong, to figure out which one is the all mighty winner. You know you fucking love this jackass, he’s made you laugh in Pineapple Express, Role Models, and weekly on Community. The guy is comedic gold!

In Knocked up he plays the neurotic doctor that is going to assist the birth of Katherine Heigls’ unfortunate mating with Seth Rogen. His opening scene was wonderful. Who doesn’t love watching pregnant women get yelled at?  I love the fear he instills in their eyes, they obviously were intimidated by him. His role was small, but it was memorable. So memorable that aside from that scene, the only things I really remember about that movie were how much I loved the opening credits [smoking an insane amount of weed, ODB, and Knott’s Berry Farm? WIN], how awesome Paul Rudd would make as the father of my children, and how not delightful it would be to fuck a sweaty Seth Rogen.

The Hangover was able to turn the clock back on Asian stereotypes. He gets major bonus points for jumping naked out of a car onto another man in the dessert. He gets a million negative points for his horrific accent. Also, the group of thugs that he had under his belt weren’t that intimidating, except for that time where they t-boned a 1969 Mercedes-Benz Cabriolet with a goddamn Escalade. That’s some I don’t give a FUCK gangster shit right there.

In sum Ken Jeong was right, fuck that birthing plan! Katherine Heigl is a little bitch and I’m happy he put her in her place. Also, I do like that he partly breaks the 3rd wall by commenting on why bad things are funny when Zach Galifianakis gets hurt [it’s funny because he’s fat!].

But his better role was in The Hangover, and in retrospective, that one was the better movie.-MV