KUNG FU PANDA

VS.

BACK TO THE FUTURE PART III

It’s hard to remember a time in this country where Kung Fu Panda wasn’t one of the most highly regarded films, and pandas, of all time. It looked stupid at first, despite its panda-iness, but we all went anyway, and we fucking loved it. “Shabba-douche,” or whatever the fuck that crazy shithead said. As a nation, we hadn’t had bear fever this bad since The Country Bears jumped from the amusement park to the big screen and stole our hearts. There’s a lot of movies that Kung Fu Panda would totally beat in this battle, but now it’s up against a Back to the Future movie, and it isn’t even half the story. The third biggest Civil War to take place in this country, besides the people who like cake versus the people who like pie and the actual Civil War, is BTTF II fans versus BTTF III fans. Each camp thinks that their movie is wonderful, and the other one is dogshit. Do people exaggerate their negative opinions to make their side look better? Maybe. But the world is full of people who think that one of these movies is an overly dark rehash of the far superior first one, or a bunch of homos dressed like cowboys. It’s my job to pick a winner and, in doing so, end this conversation forever. Back to the Future II is boring garbage, and Back to the Future III is fucking rad. There it is folks. Back to the Future III makes Kung Fu Panda look like Back to the Future II. Put that shit on my tombstone. — RH

WINNER: BACK TO THE FUTURE PART III

JUST MARRIED

VS.

THE REPLACEMENTS

I hate the fact that I’ve seen The Maltese Falcon and Tokyo Story one time each, but have seen each of these two gems about twenty times . Why would I put myself through that? What do they have in common? They’re two of the last Basic Cable’s Greatest Hits, back when we would allow channels like TBS and FX pick the movies that we would watch over and over again. We would just turn the TV on on a Saturday afternoon and mindlessly consume whatever was there. Both movies are equal parts watchable and terrible, which means that if the remote is an inch or more out of reach, you’re just okay with it enough not to make the extra effort to grab it. The Replacements barely wins out, not just for its gloriously choreographed rendition of I Will Survive, but because it features Brooke Langton, a once incredibly hot chick who went on to replace Sandra Bullock in a TV version of The Net, which is like replacing Jabba the Hutt in Return of the Jedi with Mila Kunis. Fuck fucking Sandra Bullock. — RH

WINNER: THE REPLACEMENTS