AVATAR

VS.

SPIDER-MAN 3

Nobody wins in this fight, let’s just make that clear.  This is more to determine which overly effects driven, poorly written film works better than the other.  First we have Avatar, the long awaited special effects bukkake that James Cameron spewed all over our faces in 2009.  Then we have a third installment of a popular franchise that was so bad that everybody forgot about the Power Rangers villain subbing for Green Goblin in the first film.  If you look at both of these scripts, it seems pretty even handed.  In fact, I’d say Spider-Man has a distinct advantage if we’re just looking at writing.  Eddie Brock is written well, we get a decently handled culmination of all the storylines leading into the movie.  Sure, Sandman is still pretty useless to the story but we can forgive them since they’re dealing with 3 villains.  When looked at visually though, Avatar is the clear winner.  When you look at the visuals the shitty story, characters bordering on parody and the quest for unobtainium cease to matter as the entire world comes to life and draws you in.  Then we look at Spider-Man and we see how even the most decent parts of that script are ruined by an ass backwards execution.   As much as I would never recommend that anybody see either film, I have to go with Avatar on this one.  For the record, blue cat people sex plus USB ponytails beats emo guy dancing and Topher Grace with a motion capture suit.

WINNER: AVATAR

THE FIFTH ELEMENT

VS.

AIRPLANE

Alright here’s a completely out of left field one that had me for a loss.  Do I pick what is easily one of my top 5 comedies of all time or what is easily one of my top 5 sci-fi films of all time?  I’ve seen both films enough times that I can quote them almost entirely from memory.  When we did our Top Ten list on future technology at least half of my suggestions were from the Fifth Element and I’ve seen Airplane enough times that I refuse to respond when someone uses the word “surely.”  I guess what it comes down to is which do I like better?  Sci-Fi action with a little comedy tossed in or pure comedy that never ends?  Sadly for the Zuckers I think I have to go with The Fifth Element on this one.  That cast is just unbeatable.  I mean not only do they knock it out of the park with Bruce Willis, Gary Oldman, Ian Holm and Milla Jovovich but they even have a Friday reunion of Chris Tucker and Tiny Lister, Jr.  Speaking of those two it gets extra points for making Chris Tucker’s annoying acting a plus and for casting Deebo as the fucking President.   Also the Fifth Element felt bad for Luke Perry and gave him work.  What kind of charity did Airplane ever do?  None, that’s what kind.  The Fifth Element wins but, if the two ever had a mash up and Leelu tried to carry a conversation with the jive guys I think we might end the entire concept of suffering on our planet.

WINNER: THE FIFTH ELEMENT

– Alex Scott Webster