FLICKCHART’S GREATEST BATTLES

In which we pit two movies together using flickchart.com, debating their merits or lack thereof.

 

GROUNDHOG DAY

VS.

TAXI DRIVER

FIGHT!

It’s hard to compare movies in separate genres. Sure Blade Runner is a classic but can you really compare a sci-fi movie to a romantic comedy? The answer is yes, and Blade Runner always wins no matter what. What about a slightly trippy comedy and a dark-hearted drama? Lets dig into it with Groundhog Day and Taxi Driver. One of these movies is a smart comedy with an original plot that makes you laugh and think at the same time, but not too hard or your eyes would pop out. The other is long and boring and over-rated. Bill Murray is a legend. He was in fucking Ghostbusters. Robert De Niro stopped acting sometime in the early nineties and now only plays tough mobsters or tough mobster-like characters in situations you wouldn’t expect to see them in, like being a parent or a shark. I assume what happened is that weird half-smirk thing got stuck on his face around the time Goodfellas came out and it was either play that character forever or quit acting. If you want to argue that Taxi Driver is better than Groundhog day then go actually sit down and watch it. Oh, what’s that? You don’t have time to watch Mr. De Niro be kind of crazy for an hour and then actually crazy for like ten minutes? And if your answer to that challenge was “I watch Taxi Driver all the time! It’s one of my favorites!” then you fell right into my trap. Anyone who watches Taxi Driver more than once is either a creepy weirdo that collects guns and fantasy themed knives or a pedophile. And you are a pedophile. – DT

WINNER: GROUNDHOG DAY

 

ARMAGEDDON

VS.

STAR WARS: EPISODE I – THE PHANTOM MENACE

FIGHT!

This particular battle left me feeling more trapped than Meryl Streep in Sophie’s Choice. Seriously. The only difference is that Meryl was forced to choose between the lives two children she loved and I was forced to choose which steaming pile of corn-filled shit smells worse. At first, the choice seemed obvious.
Having been raised on Star Wars, it’s difficult for me to put anything above it. However, we’re talking about The Phantom Menace here. Seeing this movie for the first time opening night was the moment I realized George Lucas had, in fact, sold his soul to Satan, along with my childhood. I proceeded to see it 4 more times in the theaters in an attempt to prove myself wrong. Yet, with each viewing, I felt more and more like I was being forcibly bent over a table by Jar-Jar Binks while that irritating little blonde brat bragged about being the creator of C3P0 all along and Liam Neeson made up words like “midichlorians” to explain Anakin’s immaculate freaking conception without getting to Jesus-y.
I tried to let the few redeeming qualities of this film outweigh the bad — the impeccable casting of Ewen MacGreggor as Obi-Wan, the Darth Maul double-ended light saber fight scenes, the … Oh. Right. Those are really the only two redeeming qualities of this film. Remove those and all you’re left with is an unnecessarily long pod-racing scene, some mildly racist and incredibly annoying new characters intended to fill the “Chewy” role, and the 136-minute-long insult to the intelligence of every audience-goer that was the Amidala/Padme “rouse.” Still, compared to Armageddon….
I also saw Armageddon in the theaters roughly five times, namely because, at the time, I was friends with a girl who had an unnatural infatuation with Bruce Willis. Looking back on this film, the first thing that comes to mind is that grating Aerosmith song that’s clearly been written by a stage five clinger. Coming in a close second are Ben Affleck’s constipated face and the moment when you realize Bruce Willis gave up his utterly unappealing life on an oil rig so his daughter could continue to suffer the same fate with the aforementioned constipated face.
If you cut those components out, though, you still have Owen Wilson complaining about people who think Jethro Tull is the name of just one guy. You have Steve Buscemi using the mission to run from a mob bookie while making Slim Pickens and Wyle E. Coyote references. You have Michael Clarke Duncan bragging about his Ivy League pedigree, then blubbering like a baby and asking for a hug. In fact, if you cut out simpering faux-star-crossed lovers and familial ties, you might be left with a pretty damned good action flick.
Put it all together and it means the Armageddon really is coming — George Lucas clearly stopped trying and Michael Bay, unbelievably, made the better “film.” – KS

WINNER: ARMAGEDDON