Flickchart’s Greatest Battles

 In which we pit two movies together using flickchart.com, debating their merits or lack thereof.

ROUND ONE

PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN: AT WORLD’S END

VS

CHARLIE AND THE CHOCOLATE FACTORY

Both movies are bastardized mockeries of things I love and feature Johnny Depp. Early in his career, Depp was seriously underutilized playing roles that only featured him as a hunky heartthrob. Realizing this, Depp refused to take roles that wouldn’t allow him to express himself creatively, and it turned out he really had the talent to back up that potentially career ending decision. Take Jack Sparrow, for example. When I first heard Disney was making a full length movie about the slow-moving boat ride at their shitty theme park I rolled by eyes so hard I may have done permanent damage to my retinas. But Disney had an ace up its sleeve. Depp created a character that was a tad bit Rastafarian, a little androgynous and he threw in Keith Richards. Now you are guaranteed to see at least two Jack Sparrows at any Halloween party. Unfortunately, the popularity of that character has led to a couple of really unfortunate sequels. Let’s move on to Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.  Once a year Tim Burton drives a truckload of money up to Depp’s house with a movie contract, and this time he forgot to bring a copy of the script (like he needs to anyway). That and Burton only hired one dude to play all the umpa-lumpahs, who wasn’t even a little person. The fuck? Burton doesn’t give a shit about putting little-person actors out of work. -SR

WINNER:

PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN: AT WORLD’S END

ROUND TWO

PULP FICTION

VS

THE SHINING

Hmm…Jack vs. Sam. Tarantino vs. Kubrick. Chronological vs. Non-chronological. This battle has a little bit of everything for everyone. Tarantino’s violence, rape and mystery is handled so well that it is hard to imagine you are actually watching this story unfold. Kubrick’s slow and plodding development of Jack Torrence into a psychopath is handled so deftly that it feels like you are watching a documentary on mental illness. In the end though, it all comes down to catch phrases in this one. And while Sam Jackson does get to inform the American public what they call a quarter pounder with cheese in Europe, Jack Nicholson says, “here’s Johnny” through a hole that he cut in a wooden door with an axe while his wife and young son are both sobbing in fear. And as much as I love McDonald’s, Jack Torrence is tough to beat. — JRN

WINNER:

The Shining!