Flickchart’s Greatest Battles

 In which we pit two movies together using flickchart.com, debating their merits or lack thereof.

ROUND ONE

TOMMY BOY

VS

LOVE, ACTUALLY

There’s something about Love Actually that makes it very watchable, until you think about it for more than ten seconds. Tommy Boy, however, actually gets better when you think about it. OK, that’s not true. No one should ever think about either movie. But let’s be honest. Whatever charm Love Actually has runs out pretty quick. I think the only reason it’s as popular as it is is just because it’s slightly less awful than it should be. Tommy Boy, however, has a fat guy smash a coffee table. What else do you need?-RH

WINNER: TOMMY BOY

ROUND TWO

AMERICAN BEAUTY

VS

MAGNOLIA

These are two artsy movies that, at the time of their release, were hailed as “genius” and “visionary” and other hyperbolic words they didn’t really deserve.  It’s not that I don’t understand critics’ initial enthusiasm for the projects (I will freely admit to loving American Beauty for the better part of a year,) but they have definitely not aged as well as we all hoped.  (Besides, “genius” is postulating the theory of relativity, not showing underage tits on the big screen.  Exploitative assholes.)

I mean, I get it.  They were kinda cool at the time.  American Beauty had very dynamic characters that you didn’t see in movies very often, and Magnolia, though hardly the first, freed itself from the constraints of traditional narrative.  And then all those little flourishes in the movies–things like the “look closer” sticker, or all the main characters singing “Wise Up”–became the lover that you’re completely smitten with until you realize that you can’t. fucking. stand. the sound they make when they chew their disgusting food with their idiot mouth.

So yeah, this one’s a little tough.  American Beauty thinks we should sympathize with two male leads who are constantly skeezing over a woman in the most creepy way possible.  But Magnolia thinks that “artistry” is being deliberately inscrutable.  Hmm.  It’s pretty much a coin toss at this point.

I’d like to give it to Magnolia, since American Beauty poeticizes pedophilia, which is gross.  But Magnolia has a fucking cryptic rapping child as a truth teller, and I think that just might be even more pretentious then thinking that it’s edgy to have a protagonist who wants to bone a high school student.-EW

WINNER: AMERICAN BEAUTY