Flickchart’s Greatest Battles

 In which we pit two movies together using flickchart.com, debating their merits or lack thereof.

ROUND ONE

COMMANDO

VS

MONSTER’S BALL

The year was 2001. Someone was probably president, some hit song was probably number one on the radio, and we as a nation were still giving Monster’s Ball a standing ovation, weeks after we had seen it. Why? Because it made us sad. That’s what great movies are supposed to do, right? Over the last decade or so, (it’s always a decade. I feel like if your movie makes it past a decade and people still like it, you’re probably good) Monster’s Ball has gone from powerful award winner to a steaming pile of relentlessly sad poop. It’s fucking tortuous, and not in that Tarkovsky “You think about what you’ve done, humans” kind of way, but instead in that “I don’t know what to do next in the story, so make another sad thing happen to the character.” I think you know where I’m going with this whole thing. Ladies and gentlemen: COMMANDO! Need I say more? Monster’s Ball is sad, Commando is perfect.-RH

WINNER: Commando

ROUND TWO

AUSTIN POWERS: THE SPY WHO SHAGGED ME

VS

MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE

“If you see only one movie this summer, see Star Wars. But if you see two movies this summer, see Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me.” As expected, this movie that has a lot of recycled jokes from the first, but if you were expecting all new jokes, well you obviously didn’t grasp the spirit of the first film. Introductions of characters like Mini-me and Fat Bastard were able to create jokes from a new premise; sadly most of these jokes involved farts and dicks. Or dicks and farts, but I’m a “half-full” kind of guy. Although this was a comedy that involved one-liner after one-liner, it spawned conversations in TV shows, commercials, and social gatherings alike. It gains most of its points from how large of an impact it had in your daily life.

Mission Impossible has explosions, lies, guns, explosions, more lies, gadgets, wires, explosions, and Tom Cruise. Most of the previous list, the average person wouldn’t want to see in real life, but on screen… beautiful. Especially Tom. Did you know he does his own stunts? If you watched the original series, you have plenty of reasons to be upset at the remake, but if you came for action, stay for the impossible. Tom spends most of the movie being confident, dodging helicopter blades, and hanging from wires. The rest of the cast does a lot of forgettable things that usually involve stopping Tom from completing his mission with a gold star.

Both of these movies share the fact that the bad guy is doing something unmemorable, but evil, and the good guy has to come in and save the day. Sadly the only thing that sets these films apart in terms of which is “better” is that douches didn’t quote Mission Impossible into the ground, and Mission Impossible was directed by Brian De Palma.-TA

WINNER: “Red light! Green light!” Mission Impossible.