Flickchart’s Greatest Battles

 In which we pit two movies together using flickchart.com, debating their merits or lack thereof.

ROUND ONE

Star Wars: Episode III — Revenge of the Sith

VS

Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl

It’s the young adult Disney battle: A film that inspired a ride, and a ride that inspired a film.  SW3 is arguably the fourth best Star Wars film, complete with baby killing. Despite the fact that the film did not do the original trilogy justice, it is still a Star Wars movie and lightsabers are awesome. It also has space battles, gun fights, and technology that is more advanced than it “will” be 20-30 years later in Episode 4. Wait, how does that work? If you’re a Star Wars fan, chances are that you own it on DVD. The real question is: have you seen it at home more than once?

Pirates was pretty fun when it first came out, but then again who has actually seen this thing since 2003? It’s two and a half hours of silly pirates, ghosts, and skeletons. It was also upsetting that the Big Bad (who they kill off) was also the best actor in the entire cast; which might have been the reason they magically bring him back for the sequels. Was Black Pearl the one with the cannon blowing away part of a prison? Honestly, this film was not very memorable other than Depp’s character and something about “Tortuga.” I’m not sure if the rest of the cast can’t get any work or if they decided to avoid blockbusters and just sit on that Pirates money for a bit longer. Anyways, the submarine boat was pretty cool, so it’s a contender.

Before diving into emotions, Star Wars III is the clear winner – then you remember how Vader was a depicted as a whiny bitch. Anger leads to hate, etc. At least when Michael Bolton dressed up as Jack Sparrow, it didn’t make it worse.-TA

WINNER: Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl

ROUND TWO

Groundhog Day

VS

Team America: World Police

Bill. Fucking. Murray. And he’s going up against Matt Stone and Trey Parker. Comparing these comedic stylings is like comparing apples and oranges. Except apples and oranges have a shit-load in common (same size, both round, both fruit, both grow on trees) so that phrase really doesn’t make any sense. So which is the better movie? Groundhog Day is a cult classic that showcases Murray’s now-iconic and legendary chops. Murray plays Phil Connors, an ordinary man stuck in extraordinary circumstances: he is reliving the same day for–really who knows? The original screenplay had him repeating the same day for 10,000 years. Groundhog Day is a classic. On the other hand Team America: World Police features a steamy love scene between two puppets.  Two of the most controversial figures in satirical comedy for the past 20 years, Matt Stone and Trey Parker piss off more people than Don Imus at an NAACP luncheon. Team America: World Police caused a ton of controversy upon its release, and although it has many hysterically funny moments it tends to get a little too self-righteous for a movie where one puppet gives another puppet a Cleveland steamer.

WINNER: GROUNDHOG DAY