Jennifer Lawrence

An odd phenomenon has been occurring throughout the land of pop-culture based internet. People have begun to hope that Anne Hathaway dies soon, or at least quits the business. This phenomenon isn’t the odd one; this one actually makes a little bit sense. I like Anne Hathaway, and think that she’s taking way too much shit right now, for seemingly doing nothing, but it isn’t shocking. She’s an easy punching bag, because she has it too nice, and we know she will take all of the insults to heart, something that makes insulting people all the more fun for Internetters. The odd phenomenon is actually what has happened at the exact same time: Jennifer Lawrence’s rise to prominence. Also not odd in itself, but combined with the Hateaway Blitz, it becomes clear that the two phenomena actually caused each other. If it wasn’t for J-Law, people would still love Anne Hathaway. If we didn’t hate Anne Hathaway, there would be no room for J-Law. Please let me be one of the first to say that all y’all are picking the wrong girl.

Anne Hathaway is pretty in a way that only stars are. She’s an incredibly talented, if not overly dramatic, actress, and we all know that she’s a great singer. She’s fucked up a couple times (hosting the Oscars, Bride Wars), but hey, she’s already in the Club, so she can afford a few mess-up’s. We elevated her into the Club’s VIP room, where she can stay for as long as we want. But when we want her out, we will mercilessly make it rain with the blood of the slit throat that was her career.

At the same time the world is figuring out that Anne Hathaway might be a little too calculatingly popular and successful, here comes Jennifer Lawrence. She is talented, sure, as anyone who has seen Winter’s Bone will tell you. But there’s more here. She’s a moron. She talks like a normal person. She doesn’t like getting all gussied up, or talking about art that has anymore cultural merit than a Transformers movie. She’s one of us! And just because we crippled the country voting two times for a president that’s just like us, doesn’t mean we can’t also fall for a starlet that’s one of us as well. That’s true, and although J-Law’s rise to prominence or recent Best Actress win doesn’t scare me anymore about the budget than I already am, I still think you’re betting on the wrong horse, and it’s not even close.

Close your eyes. Remember Silver Linings Playbook. Remember smiling at all of Jennifer Lawrence’s quirky lines and “tell-it-like-it-is” attitude. Now…did she really deserve an Oscar for that? Yes? You still say yes? Now remember that the Oscars are allegedly supposed to give Best Actress Oscars to the woman who performed better than anyone else in a lead role, not to the actress we want to hang out with because I bet in real life she burps purty good. Still gonna give it to her? That’s what I thought.

There’s not much else you can blame this elevated popularity on, aside from the fact that she played the lead in a movie based on a tween book, but that would mean that Kristen Stewart should be adored by the world at large, and that doesn’t seem to be the case. Let’s take a look at her career, after Winter’s Bone, to see if we could figure it out.

2011 — Like Crazy, The Beaver

Didn’t see either one of these, but she was a supporting character in both, so let’s move on.

2011 — X-Men: First Class

Perfect example. If Jennifer Lawrence is the scene stealing wunderkind that everyone makes her out to be, wouldn’t she have done something at least the slightest bit memorable with this admittedly half-baked role?

2012 — Devil You Know

Oh, of course. Devil You Know.  This must be the performance that permanently stole America’s heart. Next.

2012 — The Hunger Games

Here’s where things get a little confusing to me, but probably clear some things up for you. I thought this movie was much stupider than everyone else did, thinking it was much closer to the level of a Twilight movie then that of something good. But she was better than your average Twilight performance. Better — but that doesn’t mean great. She was able to bring a little bit of gravitas to a flat role with shitty dialogue, but is this why we should anoint her the new queen of Hollywood, and burn an old queen to the ground?

2012 — House at the End of the Street

Next.

2012 — Silver Linings Playbook

See above, a little higher above that, and then at the very top.

That’s it? That’s the filmography that did it for you, America? That’s horse shit. Here’s what we’re actually going to do: we’re going to let Anne Hathaway keep acting, and we’re going to crawl out of her ass. She’s sensitive, and doesn’t need it. Then we’re going to take the four or five years it took us to realize Crash sucked to realize the same about Silver Linings Playbook. We’re going to realize it right this moment. There’s nothing we can do about the Oscar, and I’m not saying we should bounce Jennifer Lawrence from the Club. But everyone settle the fuck down, and let’s see what else she has in store for us.

-Ryan Haley