FUCK THAT CALF!

In which we slay the things others hold dear

Toby Keith

I know that this is low hanging fruit, but this mother fucker needs to be stopped. The frustrating thing about Toby Keith is that a lot of people say that they don’t like his music. In fact, I have heard country fans say that he is the lowest common denominator among country artists. And while that’s comforting, the fact remains that this guy is goddamn everywhere and is making more money than anyone without a modicum of talent or skill has the right to. His songs are lazy, pandering and offensive and yet he sells out 30,000 seat venues on the reg and headlines major music festivals. By the way, he is now opening bars. He is opening and operating businesses based on his music. I have never been to a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” but if it’s anything like his music, I imagine that the bartenders punch everyone in the ears as they walk in, charge $34 for a pint and people flock to it because they “love” “country” “music. Toby Keith is to music as Guy Fieri is to food and if we don’t do something to stop him soon, he’s going to have fuck you money. And a guy like this just deserves fuck you. P.S. – He serves fucking freedom fries at this bar/restaurant. HE SERVES FUCKING FREEDOM FRIES! – JRN

Adam Sandler

I don’t live in some sort of fantasy world where Adam Sandler is a respected comedy persona.  I just really want to take this opportunity to explain that Adam Sandler is even less funny than we give him credit for.  Whenever the subject comes up, people invariably mention how far he’s fallen and how they liked his first few movies and they usually keep talking but I’m just imagining pushing them out of an airplane at that point.  Adam Sandler was never amazing.  He was never anything more than average, and that’s still being generous.  We just had much shittier taste back then.  It’s ok to admit that you liked his movies, just don’t re-imagine them as some sort of high concept art.  So do yourself a favor and pick whatever Adam Sandler movie you think is his best, whether it be Billy Madison, Happy Gilmore or Big Daddy, and re-watch it tonight.  Is the one where an idiot repeats grade school really on an entirely different level than the one where an idiot is the devil’s son?  Or are you just weirdly too proud to admit that you liked a lot of stupid shit when you were thirteen?-DT