FUCK THAT CALF!

In which we slay the things others hold dear

THE CHIVE.

All hail THE CHIVE. Their slogan? “Probably the best site in the world.” Uhm. Ok…

THE CHIVE. Yes, it’s in all caps because it is overly glorified. Every time I mention THE CHIVE you should hear angels, or maybe a really deep “good commercial” voice.

What does it mean??!

Have you ever spotted someone in a t-shirt that says “KCCO” or “Keep Calm and Chive on”? I have too. This is a result of a website called THE CHIVE and it’s annoying bro-fest cult mindset that is sweeping the world.

For you fortunate fellows who don’t know what THE CHIVE is, it’s a website that hosts photo galleries which are uploaded each day by THE CHIVE staff. Each gallery has a theme, most of which are recurring. Cat Saturday, Daily Afternoon Randomness, Humpday (not the friendly camel, but in fact, actual butts), and last but not least… Underboob are some of the outstanding themes.These photos generate about 8 million viewers which easily funds their non-profit organization, CHIVE Charities. In short, it kind of reminds me of what a frat house would look like online.

Upon researching THE CHIVE, I come up with practically nothing. People love this damn site. I even polled a couple of my friends on what they think THE CHIVE means. Answer: Not a damn thing. Why do people mindlessly worship this site if they have no idea what it means?? Do people want to identify with something so badly that they’ll annoy the hell out of everyone around them just for attention? THE CHIVE prides themselves on having followers (Chivers and Chivettes) that help out with the community, commit Random Acts of Kindness (you got RAK’ed), and love their troops. In reality, most of these people don’t give a flying fuck about any of that. They just want to be adored for no apparent reason at all.

 

Story time: One of my friend’s Facebook status recently read, “I just bought a KCCO shirt. Time to get bitches to take a topless pic with me at a bar.” In theory, I should delete this person from my friends list, but I get lots of golden nuggets of wisdom from his status updates. What a charming member of society. Not all Chivers are like this, but still wish they would die in a fire and take all of that awful propaganda with them.

 

I’m sure by the time you’re done reading this, you’re probably thinking, “I should go check this website out.” DON’T DO IT. Looking at this website is like playing World of Warcraft for the first time – it will consume your soul. The next thing you know, you’ll be drunk at the nearest bro-bar, having bro-ments with other bros, dating some freakishly unattractive girl only because she’s a “Chivette”, and waiting for cat pictures to be uploaded on a Saturday. Yeah, have fun with that shit.-AK