FUCK THAT CALF!
FUCK THAT CALF!
In which we slay the things others hold dear.
Scarlett Johansson
Aren’t there any hot, mute characters Scarlett Johansson could play, the lead in the Helen Keller story say? Because while she’s fun to look at, the second she opens her mouth the man voice and strained emotions pretty much ruin the illusion. And don’t get me started on how painful it is to listen to her stumble over Woody Allen’s sharp dialogue — every time she gets through a line I feel like she deserves a medal from the Special Olympics. I think Allen’s major down spiral of quality may very well be directly proportional to Johansson’s participation. Not to totally blame her for ruining the legacy of a film icon, after all Curse of the Jade Scorpion needed no assistance in reaching new depths. But his inability to rule with the head wearing the glasses and cast an actress with actual ability in favor of ScarJo’s vapid smile is certainly a contributing factor. I’m just looking forward to the day she gets too old to keep Allen Woody (ha PUNS!) and he moves on to his next ingénue muse, preferably someone slightly smarter sounding than Denise Richards.
Why does she keep getting cast? What roles has Johansson actually excelled in? I can’t think of a movie I’ve enjoyed her in since Ghost World — she had the teen disdain down in ’01, too bad she aged but her capabilities didn’t. Putting her opposite Natalie Portman in The Other Boelyn Girl just highlights her floundering weaknesses against an Oscar winner with the ability to play beloved Queen Amidala one day and convincingly scream “suck my dick!†on Saturday Night Live the next.
ScarJo does amazing work as the face of Chanel, all tumbling blonde curls and pink lips she captures an alluring innocence reminiscent of Marilyn Monroe so I understand the charm. But that’s why the world of modeling exists — as a career path for hot girls with no actual talent beyond pouting on cue. She should stick to posing mutely without inflicting her raspy, awkward attempt at sounding like a genuine human being on the world. She even lacked the depth necessary to play a cheesy comic book villain; her portrayal of The Spirit’s Silken Floss was the most laughable aspect of the whole crummy movie. Striving for dark, scientific brilliance she merely musters deadened irritation, and her tendency to spew multisyllabic words with such stilted cadence negates any appearance of intelligence the librarian glasses conjured.
Why does she keep getting cast? What roles has Johansson actually excelled in? I can’t think of a movie I’ve enjoyed her in since Ghost World — she had the teen disdain down in ’01, too bad she aged but her capabilities didn’t. Putting her opposite Natalie Portman in The Other Boelyn Girl just highlights her floundering weaknesses against an Oscar winner with the ability to play beloved Queen Amidala one day and convincingly scream “suck my dick!†on Saturday Night Live the next.
ScarJo does amazing work as the face of Chanel, all tumbling blonde curls and pink lips she captures an alluring innocence reminiscent of Marilyn Monroe so I understand the charm. But that’s why the world of modeling exists — as a career path for hot girls with no actual talent beyond pouting on cue. She should stick to posing mutely without inflicting her raspy, awkward attempt at sounding like a genuine human being on the world. She even lacked the depth necessary to play a cheesy comic book villain; her portrayal of The Spirit’s Silken Floss was the most laughable aspect of the whole crummy movie. Striving for dark, scientific brilliance she merely musters deadened irritation, and her tendency to spew multisyllabic words with such stilted cadence negates any appearance of intelligence the librarian glasses conjured.
So it’s settled. Ms. Johansson will play out the rest of her career strictly as a piece of ass and stay far, far away from serious pursuits in the entertainment industry. Theatre is strictly forbidden, particularly anything on the West End which has a tendency to give blonde actresses the most terrible case of Fake British Accent Syndrome. She is however allowed to emerge every few years and partake in a really terrible romantic comedy, nobody expects much from them anyway except the undiscerning weepy- girl fanbase and they’ll always gobble up substandard shit as long as there’s a happy ending.-AS
Rock Band
While I used to think the Rock Band franchise was neato, I feel like the novelty has worn off now. It was fun at first to pretend you could ACTUALLY rock like a real musician. Now, however, its the place guitar players go when they give up on their dreams and showoffs go to feel good about themselves. This game is everybody’s late night party mistress, and much like the music created by actual musicians, it sounds awful if you’re drunk…not to you maybe, but to everyone in your apartment complex most assuredly. I think I just wish that playing this game would give you some benefit (aside from having trippy dreams with tons of lines scrolling in unison), but in reality your guitar playing only gets worse after rock band, and playing drums on it will only teach you how to play ahead of the beat. The worst is the singing function which only tracks your pitch, and ignores lyrics and vocal quality. I once heard someone squeeling the vocal line to Don’t Stop Believin, intentionally sounding awful, but hitting every note perfectly. If that isn’t enough to make you hate this game, then go to hell.-LF
While I used to think the Rock Band franchise was neato, I feel like the novelty has worn off now. It was fun at first to pretend you could ACTUALLY rock like a real musician. Now, however, its the place guitar players go when they give up on their dreams and showoffs go to feel good about themselves. This game is everybody’s late night party mistress, and much like the music created by actual musicians, it sounds awful if you’re drunk…not to you maybe, but to everyone in your apartment complex most assuredly. I think I just wish that playing this game would give you some benefit (aside from having trippy dreams with tons of lines scrolling in unison), but in reality your guitar playing only gets worse after rock band, and playing drums on it will only teach you how to play ahead of the beat. The worst is the singing function which only tracks your pitch, and ignores lyrics and vocal quality. I once heard someone squeeling the vocal line to Don’t Stop Believin, intentionally sounding awful, but hitting every note perfectly. If that isn’t enough to make you hate this game, then go to hell.-LF