DECEPTION

** (out of ****)

Watching Deception kind of makes you wonder what kind of homes will, based on this pilot, become Decpetion homes. Somewhere out there there are NCIS homes, and Big Bang Theory homes, and Survivor homes, and although I’ve never met anyone that belongs to these homes, these houses that make sure to catch these shows every week, I know that they’re out there. But what chance does a new, crappy show like Deception have to turn a home into a Deception home? Sure, it’s riding a trend, which is the Revenge-led Prime-time-soap-that-is-more-soap-than-prime-time, but if that automatically brings in viewers, they are just going to go away when they find out the show sucks. What’s a poor girl like Deception supposed to do? I used to judge the people of the aforementioned homes, saying that they were just idiots who wouldn’t know a good show if walked up and stabbed them in the eye. In reality, the few homes that become Deception converts aren’t necessarily morons, they are just people who allowed a show like this to hook them. They know it’s not good. It knows it’s not good. But if it can just throw enough twists and storylines at you, it will hook you eventually. I’ll bet that the audience for this isn’t stupid, they’re just pissed off they just keep falling for this crap. Just not pissed off enough to stop watching. Don’t worry, Deception homes — it’ll likely be canceled before you know it. Oh — Megan Good stars as a longtime friend of a family full of rich crazies, who goes undercover to live with them to see which one of them killed the daughter of the family, and her best friend. Plus seventy other storylines. Watch at your own risk.

1600 PENN

1/2* (out of ****)

Comedians and rock stars have a lot in common, including a penchant for dying young. Those that die before their time are immortalized, not just because they never fulfill their potential, but also because we never see them not fulfill their potential. We don’t have to see them evolve with the times, and with the changes that both the worlds of comedy and music will eventually bring. Most people of my generation still have a small candle burning for the life and work of Chris Farley, but if the rest of that intro didn’t make you glad that he is still dead, then watch 1600 Penn. He took the graceful way out. Josh Gad – who if you missed his rocket take off in Book of Mormon, you can watch it flame out here – plays the son of the President of the United States of America, played by Bill Pullman in a turn that’s less like Daniel Day-Lewis’ President Lincoln, and more like Disneyland’s Great Moments With Mr. Lincoln. What follows reeks so much of NBC’s complete lack of knowledge of what constitutes comedy, that it makes you cherish each final second of 30 Rock and Community more. Don’t tune in to find out what will be replacing your favorite shows, but instead to find out that you will soon have much more time for outside activities.

BANSHEE

**1/2 (out of ****)

What the FUCK was this?!? What the fuck was THIS?!? Did anyone know this was coming out? Was this a super-hyped show, or was this just sprung on me at the last second? Watching this back-to-back with the Deception pilot definitely shored things up regarding Deception and its shittiness. Whether or not this is good, however, may take another episode or two. What the fuck is this? The more critically successful dramas on television (Breaking Bad, Mad Men, Homeland) can all be dubbed as gender-neutral soap operas. If you’re a dude, and you think those three shows are for dudes, then you’re being an idiot. You’re confusing quality as a thing for dudes. Anyway, shows like Deception, who know that they could never be on a list of shows like that, need to do something, so they pick a side and, in Decpetion’s case, lean a little more towards chicks. What does that mean? More figurative back stabbing, more love making. What if there was a soap opera that leaned more towards guys? More literal back stabbing, more fucking? Now we’ve got Banshee. Antony Starr plays Lucas Hood, an ex-convict who rolls into the small town of Banshee, looking for his girl. His girl is now living it up in suburbia, with a normal life, two normal kids, and a normal husband. Hood just wants his cut of the job that put him in jail, but she doesn’t have it. He goes into a bar to get a drink, and meets the new sheriff. The new sheriff dies trying to stop a robbery, so Hood steals his identity and is now the new sheriff. This may sound like the same B-level garbage as Deception, but the big difference here is that Deception knows it sucks, so it doesn’t care. It plays down to its audience. Banshee also knows it’s always going to be a B-level show, but it instead does the best it can to barely, just barely, rise above its level. Example? Hood attacks a guy by shoving a bottle of A-1 steak sauce down his throat. The guy falls backwards, and impales himself on an anvil. The guy dies from an anvil to the head. That’s good shit, Banshee.

THE CARRIE DIARIES

**1/2 (out of ****)

I’m just going to go out on a limb and assume that if you have one question about The Carrie Diaries, it’s “Is this show actually anything like Sex and the City?” The answer is, of course, not really, but you probably already knew that. It’s on the CW, which means it’s a high school show about high school people done in CW’s typical high school way. It’s not on HBO, which means it can’t get away with anything that The Old Adventures of Old Carrie could get away with, which is presumably the only reason people watched it. And it takes place in the eighties, which means that there is no longer that form of girl-porn that is vicariously wearing the fashionable clothes of you four favorite fictional best friends, but instead watching a future fashion icon make her way through the T.J. Maxx riddled explosion of vomit that was the Reagan Years. The problem with the whole idea is that they named this character Carrie Bradshaw so people will watch, but all of the people who tune in for that reason alone won’t want to watch, because it’s not that other show. It’s a different show, which is the same as all of the other shows that are like this one. Make sure you know why you hate, people.

That being said, you can do a lot worse. For a pilot, the whole thing ran along relatively smoothly, and allowed everything and everyone just the slightest moment to breathe. Congratulations on mediocrity, CW!

STAY TUNED FOR OUT THERE, REAL HUSBANDS OF HOLLYWOOD, AND SECOND GENERATION WAYANS

-Ryan Haley