INTELLIGENCE

** (out of  ****)

Did CBS anoint Intelligence the biggest hit series of the fall before they even premiered it? Not that it matters. They’re probably going to be right. CBS farts out procedural hits on the reg, and this one has enough of a high-concept premise to make it feel more special than another CSI. That premise may get it an even bigger audience than its typical premiere, but it didn’t do shit for the show.

Josh “Sawyer” Holloway stars as Gabriel Vaughn, an action-stud-Navy SEAL-super-spy who has been given an upgrade: a chip has been planted in his head that essentially gives his brain Wi-Fi. The internet, mixed with the human mind, makes Holloway the ultimate government weapon. Not only can he kick you to death, but he knows what your parents did for a living just by looking at you. It’s impossible to put a price on something like that, but the NSAish agency that created this monstrosity has determined that it’s worth roughly the price of a planet. In an attempt to protect their investment, and because shows need plots, they hire a bodyguard for Gabriel. They make sure they get the best secret service agent in the business, not just at fighting but also at having a personality that will clash with Gabriel a little bit, but also create an appropriate amount of chemistry. They pair the two up and send them on her way.

Intelligence does plant seeds for future mysteries, something most procedurals aren’t known for, but each one is dumber than the last. Gabriel has a mysterious wife that might be a dead terrorist (in the first episode we find out she’s neither), and a badguy that was supposed to be dead opens their eyes in the final shot of the show. Real original stuff, guys. Through a lot of formulas and laboratories, CBS may have found out that this is the most serialized a show can be on network television, and have it still be number one in the ratings, which is to say just barely and poorly. Most of it comes off as either boring procedural, or an attempt to hide the fact that it’s a boring procedural. Either way? BORING!

– Ryan Haley