CROSSBONES

**1/2 (out of ****)

John Malkovich plays Blackbeard.

That’s the first sentence you have to consider when deciding whether or not to watch Crossbones. In the other corner, facing off against that sentence, is this one: It’s about other pirates played by other actors, it’s on NBC, and its premiere is in June, which isn’t really where networks dump their most prized of possessions. Suddenly you start thinking that you’re not exactly a Malkovich completist, and some other weird role will come along in the future to give you your fix. It’s a good call, and a safe bet, but let’s see if Crossbones has anything else to offer besides Malkatraz.

“There’s PIRATES!” probably isn’t enough of a premise for a TV show in this day and age, even for an NBC summer show. Crossbones (which has a title generic enough to not expect much more than that premise) takes place on an island ruled by Blackbeard in his later days, as there is no longer a beard and none of his body hair is black. England is trying to come up with some sort of device that will make it easier to dominate the seas, and everyone else is trying to steal it, deflating their dictatorship. When our story begins, Tom, aka Jeff from Coupling (I shit you not) winds up on Blackbeard Island, running around and trying to keep his oath to the king and keep this device out of Blackbeard’s hands. Tom is one of those annoying farts, like Beast from the X-Men, who refuses to say in three words what he could say in thirty (to be fair, Blackbeard is like this too, but Blackbeard is played by Malkovich, and Tom is not). So, our two leads frolic across the island, becoming the best of frenemies in an attempt to make their need to kill each other as fun as possible.

The question here isn’t whether Malkovich is good or bad. He’s not bad, but I wouldn’t say “good” is the right word, either. Awesome is a word you could use. Malkovichian is another. This is not a performance that wins Emmys, but nobody cares. It’s the kind of performance that treats throwaway lines like Patton delivers motivational speeches. It’s the kind of performance that features an accent that changes depending on the need of the scene or the dialogue, which is something that Malkovich and few others can pull off. It’s fun, and when Malkovich and Jeff from Coupling are having their wordy word wars, the show is one hundred percent watchable. But this is modern TV, where everything has to attempt to be great, even if the showrunners really don’t have the skills or desire necessary. This show obviously could have benefit from a heavy dose of unreality from Sleepy Hollow, trading in credibility for whackadoo. And honestly, what person who would watch a summer NBC pirate show would rather have awards bait than stupid popcorny fun? No one, that’s who.
I haven’t brought myself to Chanalyze NBC yet, because I have a low torture tolerance, but maybe the Crossbones we wanted – nay, NEEDED – should be NBC’s new M.O. Fuck awards. They’re too hard to get and worth too damn little when you finally do get them. You don’t have to become the The Asylum, you just have to focus on fun a little more. Crossbones would have been a lot more fun if was just a little more fun. Put that quote on a fucking poster, shitheads.

– Ryan Haley