Weekend Muvie Revue

Prometheus

There was a time when the Clone Wars was the coolest thing ever.  It lasted 22 years (1977-1999) and it was amazing.  That’s because before 1999 the Clone Wars wasn’t one movie in a series of shitty prequels, it was a single line in a great movie.  And because it was a single line in something we loved, it let us take it and turn it into whatever we wanted.  There were fan theories that Obi-Wan Kenobi was a clone (OB-1 Kenobi) of Ben Kenobi, another Jedi.  That’s right, the clone wars were thousands of cloned Jedi duking it out for control of the galaxy.

So when you go back to the well on something iconic, you better make it pretty damned good.  That’s because the way fan theories work is every person who ever loved your thing comes up with their own explanation for why that one line was there or what that one scene meant and then the coolest of all those ideas becomes consensus.  That means when something’s original creator goes back to it, he’s competing against the imaginations of millions of devoted fans, all picturing it exactly how they think it looks best in their heads.  In that respect, Prometheus has a pretty tough job cut out for it.  Fortunately, Ridley Scott is someone who tends to actually care about his work and hired an incredible cast and some pretty solid writers to help.  Unfortunately, one of the writers is a ‘Lost’ guy. Of course, it would be unfair to compare this movie to Lost just because one of its writers got famous there, so I’ll only do it for this one entire article and then Lindelof is all clear until he writes another movie.  Lost was such a phenomenon and such a cultural landmark that anyone who ever touched it will forever be marked.  It also makes sense for someone from lost have done this because they’re both thematically similar.  They’re both playing the soda shake game.

The soda shake game is when you spend about 70% of a show or movie shaking up a big ol’ can of mystery cola and reminding people how awesome it’s gonna be when you finally spray them down with sweet, syrupy revelation.  You know what the problem with that game is?  The same fucking problem prequels have – I just spent 70% of this movie coming up with a badass explanation for all these mysteries you’re dangling in front of me, so now when you spray me down I’m just pissed it didn’t feel like I thought it should.  Also you’re spraying me with soda, asshole.  The other problem is that when you feel like you need to blow everyone’s mind you start making sacrifices.  Characters start acting out of character, random scenes get dropped in – you basically start sacrificing the basic elements of storytelling trying to wring a gasp from people until you’ve Shyamalan’ed yourself all to shit.

The advantage of the soda shake game is that even when the spray is a little disappointing, people love the shake so much they’ll almost always come back for more.  And I hate to say it but that’s true for me too.  Prometheus was so fucking good during the buildup that whether or not it actually paid off, I’ll gladly hand over money to watch the buildup all over again.  I’ll be just as equally disappointed in the payoff but I also kind of know that’s going to happen.  You might get lucky and Prometheus’s stab at what all the crazy signs mean happens to line up with yours.  Or you might be dumb and just willing to buy whatever this or any other movie sells you.  If that’s the case you’re really missing out because That’s My Boy is also in theaters now and you’ll laugh your dumb, shit-filled pants right off, but either way this will definitely be the movie for you.  But it will never be the movie for everyone because it just had to go and try to blow your mind.  That’s the problem with wanting to wow – you’re putting it on yourself to deliver something you can’t possibly achieve.  There’s a reason the Clone Wars were better before we actually saw them and Boba Fett is one of the most loved characters from the originals.  That reason is that they’re both barely there.

 

This is based on a character with three scenes.

Damon Lindelof will always go for the big bang at the end, and it will always stop him from getting to that next level.  What he needs to learn to do is shake that soda can right the fuck up and then calmly set it down in front of us before fading to black.  Don’t release the tension.  Let it sit there and let us do whatever we want with it.  If you have an answer to the mystery, great.  Hint at it, keep it in the background – just don’t come out and spell it out for us.  You’ll never have an answer as good as mine because I’m my favorite person and you’re not.  In the meanwhile, see prometheus.  The bad is fucking annoying, but the good still far outweighs it.  Just don’t get pissed when you get sprayed.

Verdict:

*** (out of ****)

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