Reality Bites: Man vs. Wild

Television for the week of July 10th

In November 2007 the Writers Guild of America got their panties in a bunch about not getting access to the good table at craft services or some shit and went on strike for four months. A lack of new programming left a void bigger than Oprah’s Minge in the network’s pocketbooks so they quickly crammed it full with the biggest dumbest dick they could find — America’s ego. Reality TV unchecked by quality scripted actual entertainment grabbed a hold of the airwaves like a rabid koala and thanks to an endless supply of dumb-as-rocks attention whores I’m sorry to say, it ‘aint ever letting go.  Because I’ve never been able to look away from a  trainwreck I’ll be checking out a different reality show every other week in hopes of finding the shiniest corn kernels in the turd. This is Reality Bites.

So I was flipping through the channels trying to decide what would be less painful to review, Ice Loves Coco or Jerseyliscious, when I happened upon the latest Man vs. Wild. Normally I skip right through because frankly I couldn’t care less about some guy who’s seen one too many Mountain Dew commercials traversing the world’s most inhospitable places explaining to the audience how to get out of the jungle or desert in the super likely event they happened to get stranded.  But on this particular episode something caught my eye, host Bear Grylls wasn’t facing the elements alone as per usual, he was accompanied by none other than Hollywood superstar Jake Gyllenhaal. What?? What the hell is the Prince of Persia doing climbing an active ice volcano in the middle of nowhere? According to the voice-over Gyllenhaal is considered “Hollywood’s Fittest Actor” and therefore was a shoo-in for the role of sidekick. Hmm…I think it’s far more likely Bear was jerking it to Brokeback Mountain one day and decided he just had to get Jakey all alone in the wilderness.

The show starts with Gyllenhaal being interviewed by the camera crew about his impending doom in Iceland when a helicopter swoops down with Bear inside gesturing to Jake to jump in. The kid has the biggest grin on his face like he’s on his way to Disneyland as they take off. Inside the chopper Bear talks him through the first part of the mission, being lowered by cable to the ground. He explains “what you want to do is keep your hands on your nuts.” Jake replies “nothing wrong with that” because obviously he has a lot of experience in that area. The boys hike up the mountain for a bit making bromance-worthy small talk. The terrain becomes treacherous and holey due to pockets of hot air from the volcano below melting the hard-packed snow so they tether a line between them and much hilarity ensues when Jake has to take a leak and Bear likens it to taking his dog for a walk.

Down boy!

They reach an ice cavern containing a sheep carcass that Bear suggests they try salvage for food and possibly Tauntaun-like comfort. This is the first real action we see, so far it’s been lots of walking and giggling but shit is about to get real. Jake is lowered into the cave and goes to town on the sheep – insert sheep-sex joke here. He butterflies and strips the thing with ease and an air of professionalism. How the hell does he know how to gut a sheep so properly? Were there ritualistic animal slaughters at the Gyllenhaal home growing up? Did he and Maggie take turns or is that the boy’s job?  At this point I had a realization; this show is totally boring and worthless until it involves a celebrity I even vaguely care about. There is no way I would have gotten the same sick enjoyment watching the host slice up maggoty animal flesh, but when it was done by Gyllenhaal’s baby-soft actor hands I couldn’t look away.

Ok so the sun is setting and they’re still smack dab in the middle of snowy hell with no shelter to be found.  Bear’s fantastic survival advice is to dig a snow hole to sleep in for the night. What follows is ten minutes of playing in the snow while Gyllenhaal theorizes about being a gopher in a past life because he “likes digging holes.” If you’re like me you will now imagine him saying that in the Sling Blade voice, I don’t know why it’s just fucking funny. This scene is satisfying because Bear finally mentions the bearded elephant in the room. While watching Jake dig from behind he starts to giggle and says “I just got a flashback from Brokeback Mountain.” Jake whips around and with a twinkle in his eye quips “I *bleeping* hope not!” And thus having sufficiently proved to the world they are NOT about to have gay sex they climb into the tiny hole where they spend the night alone together in a setting that demands cuddling just to stay alive

Who’d have thought these two would be spooning by day’s end — um, everyone?

Day two is far more interesting and thank God because I’m not sure how much longer the celebrity gimmick would have held my attention. The day starts with the breakfast of champions , waterlogged roots and live worms which Bear slurps down easily but Jake grimaces a bit and remarks he can feel them “squirming around in my mouth”  – everyone together now, that’s what she said! Bellies filled the first task of the day is for some reason forging the river… on foot, in freezing cold temperatures. It’s not really explained why they have to do this instead of staying on dry land but the ulterior motive soon becomes clear. Apparently in order to stay warm and not die of hypothermia they have to strip and wade across the river carrying their clothes above water so they’ll be dry on the other side. And here’s where I call bullshit! They strip just enough to show the guys in all their shirtless nipply glory trekking miserably through the frigid water. You know what part of the body is getting the wettest? Their legs – which are still covered in pants. If they really needed to take the extra step of getting naked to keep their clothes dry wouldn’t the frozen solid snow pants against their nuts kind of defeat the purpose? They just wanted the photo op of Bear and Jake topless in the snowy tundra, which while annoying in its fabrication, is kind of awesome gender retribution for every swimsuit model who’s had to pose shivering in her skivvies.

Once across the river and fully clothed Bear just can’t keep the innuendos coming fast enough. He tells us “we need to raise our body temperature” and “it’s imperative I get [Jake] pumped up.” Ok maybe that’s not actually innuendo and just me being twelve. Gryll’s voiceover is probably key in a typical solo episode, but everything he says sounds slightly ironic and wholly obnoxious like someone way too amused with himself. The final stunt of manliness has them crawling across a rope spanning a gorge roughly 1,000 feet deep — untethered.  This is actually slightly terrifying to watch. Critics of Man vs. Wild sputter about the integrity of the survival situations, complaining that the show manufactures scenarios and the crew is on hand to step in if Grylls is in actual life-threatening danger. While this feat was clearly fabricated (unless there is a horde of zombies trying to get your tasty man-flesh there is just no reason to ever attempt what is essentially the world’s highest tight-rope without a net) there is no way it was secretly off-camera safe. Bear gets across like a champ but who cares, he does this kind of shit every day.  The look of terror on Gyllenhaal’s face is apparent as he pauses for a while contemplating his fate. I was surprisingly rapt with attention as he made his way slowly over the gorge, it was intense and emotional in a way I didn’t think a reality show could capture. Of course most shows don’t have Oscar nominees dangling over certain death with no safeties in place.

Real life Cliffhanger would be totally compelling

Man vs. Wild has a pretty niche audience. If you’re into that whole “dangerous jobs” scene you’ll probably get a kick out if it. Ultimately I was entertained but only because of the celebrity factor, Bear Grylls doing his thing alone has me bored immediately. But I did learn that watching famous people in mortal peril is fascinating so if there’s ever a redux of I’m a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here with actual celebrities instead of the latest reality freak of the week, I’d check it out.