LOL

* (out of ****)

 

I’m not going to say that my job here in the Suck My Disc wing of the PopFilter mansion, located in the old parking lot of the PopFilter Podcast Studio in lovely Burbank, California, is difficult; it’s basically the easiest job anyone could ever have. But that doesn’t mean it’s without its difficulties, namely the fact that no matter what, I have to review a movie that was released on DVD and Blu-Ray that particular week. Sometimes that’s difficult because I want to review three or four movies that week, because it’s just that big of a week, and my job is just that fun. Unfortunately, my contract only allows me to review one movie a week, otherwise I will never stop writing reviews about moves because I love it so much. Every once in a while, however, there are weeks where only two things are released: jack and shit. This week is one of those weeks. I could have reviewed the movie La Havre, but you have already heard my review on the PopFilter Podcast, so that would be unnecessary. There was really only one other option, and it was a movie I had never actually heard of. It was a “film” called LOL, and it starred Miley Cyrus. I took a deep breath, and — I shit you not — watched the movie. It was unarguably terrible, painful from start to finish. But the problem is that I had prepared myself for one kind of bad movie — a cheesy teen comedy that thinks it’s funny and racist, but isn’t really either. Nothing offensively or memorably bad, but bad nonetheless. What I got was something entirely different, something that was doomed for the start. It’s actually kind of hard to explain, so I’ll phrase it like this:

Robert Altman wrote and directed the twentieth episode of an HBO show based on Clueless.

Sounds awesome right? It isn’t. I’ve seen it and it isn’t. If that was the goal of the inbred, braindead filmmakers, they achieved their goal. That’s exactly what this movie feels like. And it’s a tornado of dogshit. Let’s take that sentence piece by piece.

Robert Altman wrote and directed…

One of the things the late, great Robert Altman was known for was the ability to juggle an absurd amount of characters. This is not an easy task. It takes choosing perfect moments of characterization, which explain who the characters are in a limited amount of time, and craftily delegating screen time. Gosford Park, Nashville, MASH, The Player, Short Cuts — all of these movies have gigantic casts that should sink them, but Altman figures out a way to give everybody enough moments to shine. LOL, however, thinks that in order to accomplish this, you just endlessly introduce character after character in an endless parade of clichés, regardless of whether or not they add to the story or have anything to say. Halfway through the movie, we’re still getting new characters — new characters that appear for no reason, and do things that any of the other poorly written characters could have done. It’s complicated because they think that’s what makes things good.

…the twentieth episode of an HBO show…

If we’re going to have that many characters, at least that means that the movie moves along at a fast pace right? At least it’s not boring? WRONG. Once the story, and I’ve never used that term more loosely, gets going, it moves so slow that you can’t really tell what’s story (none of it), what’s character development (very little of it), and what’s stupid needless bullshit that you don’t have to pay attention to (all of it). It’s the kind of pacing that works perfectly for long form storytelling, like a show on HBO. The creators know they have hours and hours for developing, so they can take their time and slow play it. The other obvious difference is that HBO shows typically tell engaging stories with intriguing characters…but that seems too obvious to even state. Pick up the pace, you fucking assholes. This shit doesn’t have to be tortuous.

…based on Clueless.

Clueless is an amazing movie for a bunch of reasons. If that sounds crazy to you, turn off the Netflix and turn on TBS on a Saturday afternoon. Watch it again. Really watch it. It’s pretty close to perfect as a teen comedy but, maybe more importantly, it’s perfect as a time capsule for that very exact moment in history. Anyone who lived through it can watch Clueless and live through it again. Anyone who came later can learn about that time from that one movie. LOL very intentionally wants to do this exact same thing (fucking look at the fucking name of the fucking movie for fuck’s sake) but, like everything else it attempts to do, fails miserably. Technology and the internet and social media is very important to kids these days. We fucking get it. Their life revolves around it. And although the movie accurately details that, that doesn’t mean it makes for an interesting way to tell your story. Shit handled like this doesn’t create a time capsule, it immediately dates your movie any time it’s watched, starting in about two weeks. The difference between a movie like Clueless and a movie like LOL, is a fine line. It basically boils down to intent. Clueless had something to say about its time, and was clever about it. LOL has nothing to say about anything, and relies on how topical it is to pass itself off as important. They might seem similar in theory, but in practice the difference is overwhelming.

 

Robert Altman is dead, so we’ll probably never get that episode of HBOClueless. That’s fine, because it would just remind me of this movie. I didn’t spend a lot of time writing about the plot (high school girl and her best male friends play will they-won’t they) because it’s so irrelevant. There’s no amount of great plot that could have made this better, and there’s not a stupider plot that could have made this worse. I don’t want to condemn the filmmakers for trying something new, for bringing a different high school movie to its mostly retarded audience. I want to condemn it because it’s the worst shit that has ever happened. You don’t get props just for doing something new, regardless of the outcome. I wish they would have just given me the shitty movie I expected.

 

 

-Ryan Haley