Sword Art Online: I Tried To Like It

The Big Dirty Article

“Sword Art Online: I Tried To Like It”

by Tim Appelbaum

I hate anime. In middle school, I watched a little of Dragonball Z and a little of Gundam Wing. Got tired of one attack lasting two episodes to not even scratch the guy. I think the noises they make are annoying and awkward. Twenty minutes of “AHHHHHHHHH!” just to end the episode without any progress or resolution. I was promised that this was different.

Sword Art Online can be found on Hulu Plus. You have the ability to watch all 25 episodes, but I highly suggest stopping early.

The beginning grabbed my attention and the concept isn’t so farfetched. It’s a story about kids that get trapped in a Virtual Reality MMORPG (World of Warcraft type of game for those who are not avid gamers.) It takes place twenty years from now, which allows for a technological possibility, is yet another baited hook that caught me. Do you understand the scientific progress between Donkey Kong (1981) and Metal Gear Solid 4 (2008)? I digress. Basically, people that go into the game can’t log off and if they die in the game they die in real life. If someone takes off the player’s VR helmet in real life, a microwave goes off and scrambles the player’s brain. So out of the 10,000 kids that start, about 700 or so get their brains scrambled from a parent or someone taking off the helmet. The bad guy who created and trapped everyone in the game announces that if someone beats all 100 levels and kills the last boss, everyone is free from the game. All right, so the protagonist has a mission, and it’s established within the first episode. Simple premise, not too complicated of a quest, plenty of room for twists and turns; good work writing staff.

The premise works, but (like most anime shows) the execution is weird and it’s hard for me to go along. Combat is as how you expect it to be in a video game. People see their health bars and they can drink potions to recover HP. The moves they do are more automated than controlled, so now they can do backflips and other acrobatic things. They equip clothes through different menus and everything has a durability, so sandwiches explode when they hit the ground. It’s a weird idea even to someone who played way too many video games when he was in high school and college.

One kid is really nerdy and good at video games, so naturally he’s a badass in Sword Art Online, therefore he is the choice protagonist. All the girls love him for a reason that is never explained. I’m assuming one of the writers is really good at video games and wishes that girls were attracted to nerds without social skills. The story actually has a few decent twists and aren’t too abstract to make me wonder why I’m watching the damn thing; until the characters start playing house, but it’s okay, I learned my fast forward button works just fine.

Kid meets new people here and there, and some of them get merc’d by monsters that are a higher level. It gets intense as he walks in with a few friends and all but him get killed in a matter of six seconds. People have died before, but this established that its pretty easy to die in the game.

Bunch of things happen and 12 episodes in or two years of game time, the remaining 8,000ish people that are trapped in Sword Art Online are released. Problem! 300 of the released people are redirected to another game and are trapped in the new one. This is where this show goes from “meh” to “who fucking cares?”

Part two they turn into fairies with elf ears and have computer programs yelling “will you be my mommy?!” for six of the remaining twelve episodes. The new game is called ALF or something, has magic, and if you die, you have to wait ten minutes until you can play again. Oh, and you can log out whenever. So the sense of danger and loss of life you experienced in Sword Art Online becomes nothing. So when hero boy dies, he just talks about this being his “punishment” for his ego. I hope that something is lost in translation in this show. “Will you be my mommy?” and a bruised ego? That’s what’s at stake? Terrible. It’s not even at Tron stakes anymore! You can’t fucking die, so what’s the issue? Let me paint a picture for you: Someone dying in Call of Duty, while sitting on the couch, then saying to themselves,

“Is this my punishment? For being so good at video games and finally dying? Is this my punishment? Mommy mommy mommy mommy.”

 

No more twists, no more nothing. It’s not compelling when it’s some nerd sitting at a keyboard, but put on a helmet and we have a story! You’re probably wondering what the cherry on top of this shit sundae is, don’t worry, Sword Art Online doesn’t disappoint; The coup de grâce is a pseudo rape scene. If you rape someone’s mind (essentially) are you really raping them? It’s disturbing regardless of the reality of the situation (it being a cartoon.) By the way, it’s about 12 episodes of his sister wanting to fuck him. Go go gadget incestuous cartoon! Something had to be lost in translation, because it got real weird, real quick, and now I hate everything about this show. Oh, the “mommy daddy” computer program changes from a kid to the fairy from Zelda: Ocarina of Time. I never thought I would want to hear “Hey! Listen!” again until I watched Sword Art Online.

Maybe it’s because I don’t get anime… I liked Gundam Wing as a kid. Robots blowing up stuff, that’s all I cared about, and it was all right. Deathscythe coming out of the shadows and wrecking havoc. That was a good time for cartoon violence. None of this “will you be my mommy?” shit. There is nothing that redeems the latter half of this show. “But they can play different video games and transfer their avatar from world to world! That’s super awesome and makes up for the bad parts!” No, it doesn’t. I don’t care that a fake kid, can transfer his fake character from fake world to fake world after hearing “Mommy mommy! Daddy daddy!” episode after episode. If you really liked MMO’s watch the first half and walk away slightly amused, if you are a masochist, feel free to watch the rest.

Mommy mommy.