The Big Dirty Article

The Big Dirty Article

by

Tim Appelbaum

“A Fair and Just Look at Captain America”

Using the movie The Avengers, I’m going to use a plus minus system to show why Captain America sucks. Going into the movie, I think his role is pointless and not awesome at all. Let’s see if it holds up to the test.

Cap shows up 20 minutes into the movie, and he punching a punching bag while remembering his self-induced plane crash. He punches the bag so hard it blows off the chain! Don’t worry, he has six more lined up, because he planned to bash them around. By the way, he hangs it up as easily as James Bond hangs up a tux. Plus.

Director Nick “Sam Jackson” Fury has a short conversation with Cap about the all-spark, to which Cap stops working out and only takes one punching bag as he leaves. The other five bags are still on the ground. I do not see a logical connection here. Is he taking the one home to practice? Who works at this training facility that is going to be strong enough to lift those other ones off the ground and place them in storage? Cap just theoretically fucked up some minimum wage earner’s back. Dick. Minus.

He obviously picked out his own clothes, and I support his decision. Leather jacket and flannel shirt? Yeah. Reconfirmed that my wardrobe may be out of time, but still stylish. And before people start comparing me to a hipster they saw at coffee bean, let me point out the difference Cap and I share from said hipster: body mass that ladies swoon over. Plus to Cap. And me.

Flying aircraft carrier? You’re damn right. This class act hands over a ten spot to Nick Furious as he clearly lost that bet. Plus.

Loki the Mesmer (see: Guild Wars 2) starts to draw on some old badass who refuses to bow down, Cap drops in to block the shot and grandpa lives to be curmudgeony another day. Plus.

Here you might be thinking, “Tim, it seems that you are, for the most part, enjoying what Cap has to offer.” You’re right. But after that block, he turns the suck to 11 with some terrible line about the last time he was in Germany. Minus.

Not only are his lines cheesy, but he talks shit and then gets ruined. He proceeds to have his ass beat until a real hero, Iron Man, saves the day. Minus.

After a mutual beatdown, Loki, Stark, and Cap are in a “helicopter” thing, when thunder and lightning appear. Loki looks a little worried, so Cap says “Afraid of a little thunder?” (lame.) Loki retorts, “I’m not overly fond of what follows.” Thor lands on the roof. Again, Cap opens up his mouth to say something snarky and gets put down. Minus.

Loki gets stolen, and Cap starts to gear up. Hot lady up front mentions the others basically being gods, to which Cap responds, “There’s only one God, ma’am. And I’m pretty sure he doesn’t dress like that.” Jumps out of the plane. Gutsy idea of going after them, solid response, quick exit. Nice work. Plus.

Loki sits and watches Iron Man and Thor duke it out. Cap throws his shield to get their attention. They weren’t even phased by getting blasted in the face with a shield. And this is his primary weapon? (If someone emails me about his leadership being his primary weapon, I’m going to scream.) The shield can be an offensive tool versus human or grunts of the enemy; not against something that would matter. (see: video game boss fight) Minus.

Captain Rogers bitches about Stark breaking into the system, he goes outside, heads over to a secure room, finds the gun. Rogers cries cries cries until Hulk says“Steve, doesn’t it smell a little funky?” That is what changes his mind? Not Stark’s logic and reasoning? Fantastic. I’m glad that his “leadership” is going to lead the Avengers to victory. Minus.

Again… starts talking junk with Stark, to which Stark says, “Everything special about you came out of a bottle!” Snap. Minus.

“It seems to run on some form on electricity!” Thanks Cap. Stark replies, “Well… you’re not wrong” in a begrudging way, as if he has to deal with a child while helping the metal beast defy the laws of nature and God’s will. Minus.

Gets major air time and bats away a grenade with his bare hand. Plus.

Goes through how many bullets and doesn’t hit the guy? Are you kidding me? I’ve never even held a gun before and I’m pretty sure I could have done better. Let’s ask anyone who was in the armed forces how many clips it would have taken to grease that guy, and they would respond, “clips?!” Double Minus for embarrassing America’s armed forces.

Gears up and heads out to take a plane, some do-gooder starts to explain how they are going to get in big trouble if they take it and Cap says, “Son. Just don’t,” Where do I begin? Worst line in the movie. They are the same age, just one was born years before. It’s like when someone who is 24 calls people kid. A very well deserved Minus.

City is under attack and we learn that Cap knows parkour. Plus.

“But Tim! He gives the orders!” He gives orders based off everyone’s strengths and if he failed at doing that, he would have justly questioned to be autistic. Hawkeye, get high up and call shit out. Stark fly around and shoot things. Thor, use lightning. Lady, keep being pointless. Hulk smash. He calls out what they would do regardless of orders. Lady even books it because standing down there being useless was not enough for her and Cap could do that well enough on his own. Minus.

Goes to save civilians. Jump block with the shield? Plus. Bonus point for how uncommon a jump block is in American cinema.

Last point. Iron Man takes the nuke to another universe (I have a problem with that term. If there are two universes, wouldn’t they just be called a verse? Maybe a biverse. I thought it was called a universe, because everything is inside of the one. Someone with a phd in this nonsense, feel free to email.)

Let’s start the last point again. Stark saves the day and Cap closes the portal on this real American hero? Minus. Lucky for us, Stark makes it out just in time, and Hulk catches Stark like fucking Hines Ward.

All right, if you’ve been keeping track, you’ll see that he has a solid -4 points. Objectively showing that Cap should have taken Phil Coulson’s place.

I don’t know what the best line in The Avengers was but “puny god” is in the top five.