THE POP FILTER TOP TEN

DYSTOPIAS WE WOULD ACTUALLY LIKE TO LIVE IN

 

10.TOTAL RECALL

I think the primary reason I could handle living in this dystopian future is the presence of an alien young lady with 3 breasts.  I actually love ALL of the Martian characteristics, and I understand why the main character felt compelled to go there.  But I gotta ask: how awesome would his life have been if he hadn’t shattered the illusion.  Hot wife, easy job, people programmed to treat you well.  Sounds perfect to me.  Lie to yourself, you dolt! Stick it out with the hot blonde and you won’t have to almost suffocate on the surface of Mars! -LF

 

9. STARSHIP TROOPERS

So if you’re like me you want to live in a world where Neil Patrick Harris is our national hero, hilarious recruitment ads litter the airwaves and Americans have all migrated to Buenos Aires.  I mean yeah, you would have to worry about asteroids being launched at us by a legion of alien bugs who are pissed because we invaded their planet for no reason, but I think that’s a pretty small price to pay for what amounts to a paradise of hilarity and leisure.  I mean even if you did join the military and your parents got wiped out by the bugs, the worst that could happen is that the bugs kill the guy who’s macking on your lady.  Then you show up and save her and look like a hero AND you get to bang Denise Richards in the end.  That’s a deal I’d take any day of the week.  Also let’s just forget that those sequels ever happened shall we.-ASW

 

8. SOYLENT GREEN

There are two things I’m afraid of – taking forever to die and doing it without ever knowing what people taste like.  Living in the world of Soylent Green would solve both of those problems for me.  As soon as I turn 70 or so and my memory starts to give out I hop over to the suicide place, listen to some sweet tunes and get pumped full of poison.  When I die, my body gets turned into the delicious green wafers I enjoyed eating my whole life.  It’s how I will have would have wanted to go.  That’s worth putting up with a little over-crowding for.  Soylent Green is just the Lion King circle of life, except instead of antelope eating the lions when they become grass, other lions eat them after they’re processed into crackers.  Also, there are no antelope or or lions, because we pretty much fuck the eco-system all up.  Oh, well.-DT

 

7. DEMOLITION MAN

I hesitate to call the world of “Demolition Man” a dystopia, because that shit seems fucking wonderful. No more commercial breaks on the radio? Check. Taco Bell everywhere? Check? Black dudes with bleached blonde hair? Check. Naked Sylvester Stallone frozen in a giant, clear doughnut? Check. (I saw that clear doughnut with a fake Sylvester Stallone in it at a Planet Hollywood once. No matter what angle you looked at it, you could not see his wiener.) The world of “Demolition Man” has it all. Even if you got tired of Taco Bell (yeah, like that could happen), you could just head on down to the sewers for a delicious rat burger. I even think the “no cussing” thing would be fine, we would just have to dramatically cut the word requirements on Pop Filter articles. – Fuckshit Tittysquirt

 

6. IDIOCRACY

Idiocracy is a cautionary tale of what the future may hold if the human race continues to favor consumerism and fart jokes over intelligence and personal responsibility. But when I watch all I see is an awesome visionary society where I don’t have to leave my couch to poop and getting a handy is as easy as going to Starbucks. The “water fountain” that dispenses the Gatorade-like substance Brawndo is supposed to be a bad thing that makes the audience recoil in horror…but do you know how often I drink regular water? Damn near never! If I had Vitamin Water readily available on tap I would never have to drink the boring stuff again and it’s those innovations that make me drool like a retard. How much better would the Casey Anthony trial have been if instead of weeks of boring testimony the bitch had to battle a monster truck – exactly a million times better! Sure there is the constant fear of being buried alive in a garbage avalanche or zooming off an unfinished freeway overpass to a fiery death, but as long as I can sit in my house watching hours of “Ow, My Balls” and ingesting all necessary nutrients through a straw it’s really really easy to say fuck it not my problem.-AS

 

5. DISTRICT 9

If you have ever thought that you want to see an alien, be an alien or know an alien, this is the society for you. Not only is seeing an alien something that could happen, it probably would AND you could visit them whenever you want. If they bite you, who gives a shit?! When you turn into an alien, you can build super cool ships or weird fucking flowers out of discarded scraps of aluminum foil. And while this universe does seem to be a little heavy on the anti-apartide preaching, the fact that aliens not only exist but survive is enough to make any future fun to think about. – JRN

 

4. CHILDREN OF MEN

OK, don’t think I’m evil. I’m not evil. I just lived right next to a playground for four years. Have you ever noticed how the sound of children playing is less like the joyful tinkering of bells and more like an air-raid siren? The first week we lived next to the playground, I kept running outside to save some stranger’s child from what sounded like a savage stabbing. The kids were fine. They were just having such a good time that they were screaming like they were being murdered. And the kids are mean! Just as big a bunch of jerks as I remember from my childhood. I was constantly hearing things like “You can’t play with us anymore” and “I don’t like you because you’re lame.” I saw an 8 year old steal a 5 year old’s bike. A bunch of thugs, the lot of them. So it’s not that I’m evil, I just never want to hear the sound of children playing again. Because they’re all evil sociopaths. KH

 

3. WALL-E

Don’t lie to yourself, you want to live in a world where you can float around in a chair all day and order food- from said chair- and not do a damn thing. Having a job would be unnecessary! Being socially awkward wouldn’t matter because no one talks to you anyway! Did you get picked last for gym class?? Don’t worry about it! Society, as a whole, has gotten so fat no one wants to play your stupid moving games anyway! The people in Wall-E got to live on what is basically a luxury cruise line for free… pretty epically sweet if you ask me. Robots will do all the work for you, all you have to do is keep your eyes on the screen in front of you and don’t try and get out of your chair.  Kiinda like what you are doing right now… except not worrying about how you are going to pay next months rent. Awesome. -MV

 

2. SERENITY

When it comes to dystopian worlds, there are a lot of shitty ones to choose from. That’s why they’re called “dystopian.” Every once in a while, though, you come across one that has all the defining characteristics of a dystopia, but still looks like a sweet set of circumstances to deal with. The universe in Serenity falls into this category. Sure, you’ve got your totalitarian government with a love for nefarious plots against their populace and your horrifying, flesh-eating monsters. You’ve also got the lives of Wyatt Earp and Han Solo rolled into one. The Alliance may have a tight control on some of the terra-formed planets, but their grasp is much looser on others. It’s these outer planets that I’m interested in. They all give off a vibe of Tombstone meets Tatooine. There are no strange-looking species hanging out at a cantina, but there are gun fights, land speeders, Wild West rules, and space travel.  Since I first heard The Steve Miller Band, I’ve been curious about what being a space cowboy would entail. Joss Whedon executed the notion perfectly with Malcolm Reynolds. I’d hop a ride on that firefly-class ship any day. Plus, you get to swear in Mandarin, which never ceases to sound cool. -KS

 

 

1. THE MATRIX

You have two options for the dystopian world of the Matrix. Either you have no idea that the truth of the world is awful and you go about your life like everything is normal, never knowing you’re a battery for the robot overlords. Or you’re aware of the robot overlords, you live in squalor and constant fear of death by robot, and you live your short pathetic life fighting against them while those around you consistently die. The reason this would be a sweet place to live is- it’s either exactly like life is now so who gives a fuck, or if you’re aware of how awful life truly is you still get to jump into the matrix with any knowledge or skills you want and be a total fucking badass until you inevitably die. Both living like I do now, or miserably 90% of the time and a fucking super-being 10% of the time sound awesome to me.  There is no spoon… mostly because I’m poor and can’t afford one; and if I can blame that on dick robots programming my life to be horrible, I’ll take that over having to accept I’m lazy and worthless.  -MG